Plausible... Or red flag?

[Holdyourhobbyhorses]

Was just reading another thread re a man admitting to hitting an ex and wondered what you'd make of this?

I was recently dating someone who told me a story about an argument he'd had with his ex wife. She was angry with him and hit him round the head, he held her against the wall by the throat in self defence. Excusable in the circumstances or red flag?

He also said his last serious relationship had ended because his gf was projecting problems from her past abusive relationships onto him. They argued and she thought he looked at her as if he was going to hit her. He was at great pains to let me know that he was not that kind of man. Overcompensation on his part or genuinely misunderstood? How to discern the difference?

[Ragusa]

Nope, avoid like the plague. I take it you're no longer seeing him?

[Clutterbugsmum]

Big RED FLAG.

He told you about two relationships he had a both ex's were 'abusive'.

Ask yourselve if a woman hit a man why would he need to pin he to a wall by her throat why didn't he just move away or leave.

[Loopytiles]

Do you really need to ask?!

[Loopytiles]

Run for the hills.

[Madmum24]

I hope you atent still in the relationship, however, if a woman came on and said that she had to pin her boyfriend by the throat nobody would say why didnt you just leave Abuse works both ways, although OP the fact he keeps goibg on about it would make me wonder ......

[Blondeorbrunette]

What clutterbug said.

First thing my husband ever did to me was put his hands around my throat.

Run.

[Notaddictedtosugar]

Massive massive red flag.

[JeanSeberg]

Biggest red flag to me is that he told you all this while you were still in early stages of dating.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

There is such a thing being in a cycle of abusive relationships.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

He's been out with more than one person who is drawn to abusive men. Could be coincidence.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He is giving you TMI for early-stage dating. What appears to be honest 'soul-baring' IME is not a good sign. Don't take the risk.

[JeanSeberg]

Agreed Boney but this man needed a therapist not a girlfriend whatever the truth of the situation.

[Dahlen]

Just by the law of statistics there will be cases like this where the man is telling the truth. That still makes it much more likely that this is a big red flag rather than an misunderstood innocent.

In cases where the man IS telling the truth, it's incredibly unfair I agree, but personally I would not want to be putting myself at risk by giving him that chance.

[Holdyourhobbyhorses]

No longer dating, no.

Loopy- obviously I did need to ask! It was confusing, he seemed genuinely misunderstood. Though I have come to realise that abusive people are in such denial about what they do that they may genuinely believe they have done nothing wrong.

He also went on to tell me that I was projecting my past onto him and pushed boundaries a lot. Showed himself to be very manipulative and it ended because I refused to play games.

I actually think I had a very good read on him but he worked hard to try to convince me he was something he wasn't. My mistake was not trusting my intuition and being curious about the shades of grey. Lesson learned!

He is planning to become a therapist. I find it a bit creepy knowing what I know now.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Score one for experience :) So you you knew it was a red flag and were just testing the MN vipers?

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

If he is the unfortunate victim of statistics, he's still sharing too much about his ex's past. That's not candour, but indiscretion.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

Cross post.

[Holdyourhobbyhorses]

Boney and Horatia- if he is in a cycle of abusive relationships, who is the abuser?

Cogito- I see what you mean, but would it be any better if he'd told me a couple of years in?

Jean- he has been in therapy for nearly 10 years (maybe on and off, not sure). I thought at first that this was a sign of someone taking responsibility for their personal growth, now I wonder if it's a sign of something deeper/darker? He didn't actually seem to know himself very well at all.

[Holdyourhobbyhorses]

Sorry, lots of crossed posts!

Cogito- not testing :) I found the whole thing really confusing (becoming clearer with distance!). Would you just have walked away at that first sign or kept a look out for more? I thought a man who was willing to talk openly could be a good thing ... It was hard for me to discern, eyes blinded by physical attraction, what was what.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

On Relationships we often see women who were abused or neglected as children or in a first relationship moving on to a less-but-still abusive relationship because their expectations are low - if someone lets you keep some of your money and only hits you when he's drunk ...

There must be some traits that abusers tend to share (someone who is overly jealous and controlling might initially appear protective, for example) which are attractive but either don't last or are not actually good.

[1974rach]

Glad you're out of the relationship. My ex told me a similar tale of woe. Should have listened....

Sounds to me like he's got a nasty streak - sooner or later it would have become plainly obvious

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Holdyour

That is the one million dollar question.

On here (MN) it has been posted that talking about this would make the ex the "Psycho Ex" which would be a red flag, but of course not talking about a previous relationship is also a red flag and not having any history of relationships is also a red flag.

Personally I would be more concerned about the physical assault. (by both parties)

[Allergictoironing]

The bit that was the red flag for me was " he held her against the wall by the throat in self defence". Unless she was a VERY strapping girl, and he's a total wimp, holding by the throat isn't necessary for self defence! Holding both arms maybe, but never ever by the throat .

[Holdyourhobbyhorses]

Yeah, exactly that, Allergictoironing.

I couldn't see it at the time but he had me over a barrel. If I'd criticised him I'd have been just like his other ex ( he knew I had a difficult relationship with dc's dad but not the extent of it) and I didn't want to be another 'difficult ' gf. Oh dear :-/

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I would, and have, walked away from a date for much less. I walked away, for example, from a date that fastidiously lined up the ornamental boxes on his coffee table. :) I walked away from a date that, on arrival at my home, asked me what it was worth (which is a lot) in a more than casual manner....