Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Sex frustrations (sorry, long and a bit frank)(24 Posts)
Okay have namechanged for this. I have some concerns about my sex life with DH and wanted to know what other people think.
I guess it's a typical scenario of a long marriage, when we met I was 22, slim and sexy and pretty up for it, fairly adventurous, we used to have sex in front of the fire, on the dining table, you get the picture! As the years have gone by yes it's true that the frequency has dwindled, kids obviously had an impact on that, but it's got to the point where I feel we are totally incompatible, and I don't enjoy the sex in fact I actually dislike it and try to avoid it.
DH is much more keen on it than me, when we go to bed he will almost always start touching me in a way that indicates he clearly has sex on his mind. He's very persistent. If I turn into him for a cuddle, he takes that as a sign that I also want sex, even though I might only want a cuddle. If I indicate either by turning away or by saying (nicely!) that I'm not in the mood/am tired etc he will turn his back in a huff.
If we do have sex, I feel there is no love or emotion there, it's almost like a performance, I don't know how to describe it, but it's very...porny! I feel very detatched from the whole experience. He is technically quite "good" at it and can make me come, in fact he loves going down on me, but it's not about him giving me pleasure for my sake, it's almost as if he's giving me pleasure just to prove what a stud he is. Next day he will boast about how many times I came, which I actually find sort of embarrassing.
Also, I know men are very visual, but he seems to really focus on this in a way I also find a bit odd, again as if it is some kind of performance. It's all about how it looks, rather than how it feels.
He likes to talk dirty to me, and wants to do things like take photos of me, likes to talk about having threesomes or watching me have sex with other men (these are not things I enjoy or want to do). While we're having sex he will be saying things to me which I don't want to repeat here but which I find quite crude, not exciting.
I suppose it's a bit of a cliche but I would like a bit of tenderness or softness, some cuddling, some nice kissing. I think if I felt more in tune with him I would actually feel sexier and possibly more adventurous, I don't think I'm a prude but I just don't feel sexy with him, in fact I do things to try and avoid it like coming to bed late or whatever. I honestly feel if we never had sex again that would be fine with me. Sometimes after we've had sex I just turn away from him and cry into the pillow, I feel so disconnected from him.
We have had some relationship problems to be honest, and it's a bit of a chicken and egg, I don't know if the problems caused the lack of interest in sex or if the sex caused the relationship problems.
I don't know how to move this forward. He doesn't know how I feel, he knows I don't want sex as much as him but I think has no idea how bad it is. We've been for marriage counselling but it wasn't that great, do you think there are counsellors who specialise in sex, maybe someone I could see on my own? Is this something we can even recover from?
Hey. No advice for you im afraid but just want to say I find it so very sad that after sex u cry into your pillow I dont think thats normal I have had tears/cry when climaxing but very much hAppy tears. You have been married to h for 22 yrs why cant u tell him how u feel?
Please ignore typos on phone. Also tbh the explicit talking about threesomes etc I would defo not enjoy either. Why doesnt he know your not into that/dont like it??
Sounds as if he's using porn.Does he have history of this Namola?
I agree with above - sounds like he's using porn - is there any way you could check this or ask him about it?
if you feel as if you never had sex again it'd be ok then he's probably picked up on it and is using porn . It's a lack of communication between you two. He's not a mindreader he's a bloke. We all have our faults, just talk .
Hi, I don't know that he's actively using porn, but he does like porn and sees nothing wrong with it, I know in the past he has. I have generally tried to be open minded about this but I suppose yes I have minded.
Actually the more I think about this the more I think it's me that's changed. I guess what I used to find slightly edgy and interesting I know just find a bit boring and seedy. I think it's not just the sex it's that the sex is about how other things in the relationship are, if that makes sense. I suppose the fact I can't talk to him about this is bad in itself.
Sounds like he`s doing what 99.9% of the male population will do given the chance and watching porn. Girls watch romantic tv serials, movies etc and think love/life should be like that. Men watch porn and think their love life should be like that.
Who`s to say what`s right ? You do say with more kissing and cuddling you may feel more adventurous so there`s a bit of a daredevil in you somewhere. Nurture your inner devil and try and meet halfway. Good luck.
I think the only thing you can do is tell him the truth. Tell him what you've said here.
It will rock his world, he will be astonished, but he needs to know.
Seeing a counsellor on your own is probably a good idea, to talk through all your issues with the relationship, not just this one.
There's only so many years you can spend crying into your pillow.
It's nothing to do with porn, it's poor communication. He is doing what he enjoys, and he assumes by your reaction that you are enjoying it to - he can be forgiven for having that impression.
He isn't psychic, you need to talk to him. Tell him what you need and what you enjoy. Tell him that you want to be able to cuddle him without feeling like you are saying yes to sex every time. Tell him you need a different kind of sex, something more tender and loving.
Sounds like the way OPs dh has been performing has put her right off and she can't really tell him that can se.
Sounds like a one way ticket to me
There are definitely counsellors who specialise is sex therapy. It sounds like he needs to learn how to reconnect sexually with you. And he should def knock the porn on the head.
I got to this stage with my ex. Even silly jokey innuendo that I used to join in with started to make me feel sick when he said it.
Sorry I don't have a solution. If you've reached the point where you're crying after sex there might not be a way back. Obviously I have no idea whether he's watching porn or not, but it doesn't really matter. Even if he's into this stuff, what he's clearly not into is caring how you feel about it.
My ex was the same - always trying to be the considerate lover, but he wasn't considerate enough to back the fuck off and let me have a bit of space. Sometimes people go off sex for a while, whether it's because of other things in life, or health reasons or whatever. A loving partner respects this and doesn't keep pushing. My ex never would have forced me to do anything. He really wasn't like that, but at times it felt pretty close. The emotional blackmail and the disappointed huffing do wear you down. I think every time you do it when you really don't want to it chips away a bit more of the relationship.
I would definitely try to see a counsellor. I should have tried that. By the time I acknowledged how bad it got, there was pretty much no love left, and we split up, but we didn't have DC together so it was an easier decision to make.
Good luck x
No one can say with any credibility that this has got "nothing to do with porn" or that 99.9% of men will watch porn given the chance. It's also frankly tedious and offensive to read that "girls" like romantic serials. As a WOMAN I do not.
I would say that the worst lovers I've ever had were into porn and the best were not. I've never felt the need to be open-minded about something that makes sex worse for a woman. Where's the gain in that? That's bull-crap about men being "visual" too. Your guy might be. Many aren't especially. Don't judge all men by these stereotypes or by the way your husband is. It makes men sound like cavemen with no imagination.
You need to talk to him and explain that currently sex and his sexual behaviour is turning you off. But I'd be surprised if the way he objectifies you sexually doesn't get played out in the way he treats you (and women) generally.
I don't think you need a sex counselor because this isn't just about sex. It's about your relationship too and being made to feel like a sex object putting on a show. It might be better to try a better counselor who is trained in various sex addictions.
The talk comes first though. Maybe it'd be helpful to write down what you fear most from being honest.
Hurting him? Disappointing him? Him turning more to porn and then sexual experiences outside of your relationship?
Thanks Ton, I was starting to despair of some the answers here.
Proper grown ups, regardless of gender regard sex as something that takes place between a couple and is mutually satisfying for both.
Not something a man does to women without any regard to her feelings or desires, while claiming that's all men want.
The Op has said she cries after sex yet she's meant to meet him halfway?!
I think porn could be a bit of a red herring here.
I think your relationship lacks intimacy OP. If you can't turn to your husband for a cuddle after a long day for fear if him huffing about sex, then there's an issue that isn't sex.
You know you have to talk to him. Has sex become a chore? Another thing to tick off the long list of demands on your time?
You deserve a healthy and fulfilling sex life, and I suspect you husband wants you to have one, but you've both lost your way. Porn use may be impacting negatively here, as could a number of things.
Porn; absolutely a red herring. Why even come out with that?
Don't think for a minute your husband does not sense your lack of interest towards him. This will make him even more obsessed with sex since he wants reassurance that you are interested in him and is feeling insecure, hence the boasting.
Turns out he is right to feel insecure, no?
For many men, having sex is a way to give and receive love. If you are not interested in sex then he may think that you no longer love him. Seems to me that he would be right?
You both deserve love and sex. If you have exhausted your own facilities for resolving problems then you must seek counseling. This is doing neither of you any good.
I am in your Husbands position and I cannot tell you how much it is killing me.
Good luck, you both deserve it.
Bit rich to pronounce on the love thing...projecting?
OP: Sex with my ex was like that and worse.
To keep him happy I did the threesomes.
He always wanted me to dress up for sex.
He watched porn.
It was very, very tedious.
I did tell him what I wanted, but I may as well of talked to the wall.
PaythePiper: Obsessed is the right word.
Sorry, but I'm a bit seething that you are advising OP to seek counselling, or maybe I've misunderstood. Do you think this is only Ops problem or the DHs too?
Best wishes to you.
Unless your husband is blind and deaf he must notice you crying into your pillow after sex. Has he never asked you whats wrong?
My ex used to do all the huffing and puffing but he was also amazingly shit at sex. If I warned him before bed that I didnt want sex that night he would get into bed and ignore me even if I wanted a cuddle. If I managed to get a cuddle it wasnt long till his hands started wandering. He was very persistent too. Thats pretty much why hes my ex
What hes into sounds fair enough, same as what your in to. The not normal thing is you have been married 22 years and cant talk to him.
Paxtecum: Sorry this was supposed to be the royal you, as in both should attend if OP and DP cannot sort things out on their own.
I wonder, OP, if the fact that your early relationship was based on acrobatic sex - 'lust' for want of a better word - means that there wasn't actually much depth to it. Strip away the physical desire and what you're left with - if I read it right - is someone who is still acting like a selfish twenty-something. You mention 'relationship problems' which presumably have shown up more cracks, changed the way you see him, something like that. From his point of view, your sole role is still to be the acrobatic sex partner and you, the mature human being with thoughts and feelings of their own, is not so interesting.
It's not right that you feel you have to have sex against your will.
You need to communicate with him and tell him how you feel.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.