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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 10-Jan-14 17:57:43

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 10-Jan-14 18:05:33

Welcome all and thanks Fi for providing a departure lounge. Thread 28 is now ready to board! grin

tweedlezee Fri 10-Jan-14 18:24:22

on board for sure.
not too much fwittery other than him being 3 hours late to be with his kids. You know the ones he wants to have 3 days and nights a week because I am a (quote) shit mother? He hasn't seen his kids for 7 days.
Just saying.

Love and strength to you amazing women x

FairyFi Fri 10-Jan-14 18:48:14

thanks Charlotte

mmm.. I couldn't work out any other way of doing it! If you want to send me the doc in case of another time, Im happy to hang onto.

FairyFi Fri 10-Jan-14 18:49:17

as you were wink

IAmMine Fri 10-Jan-14 18:56:58

Hello all,
still gathering all info required by solicitors. Its all put me on a huge downer today. Its all so difficult...I should be happy ive got my freedom back.
Arrrrghhh maybe its January blues.
tweedle my ex is constantly late when picking up DCs. Dd especially hates it and gets really anxious hes not going to turn up. They don't see our side of it though...he is so self obsessed!!
I hope I feel better tomorrow I hate it when im down.
Thanks for new thread Charlotte

daiseehope Fri 10-Jan-14 19:12:12

Hi all, hope you're all well xxxwine for all

bountyicecream Fri 10-Jan-14 19:56:38

I'm on board too lovely ladies

daiseehope Fri 10-Jan-14 20:13:29

Oh no, I think I'm about to be attacked on the other boardsad

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 10-Jan-14 20:32:00

I hope not, daisee. Sometimes MN gets rather heated, but I hope in your case that it's a differing viewpoint rather than a personal attack.

daiseehope Fri 10-Jan-14 20:41:32

Posters who have no personal experience going on.... I WILL not post again. Makes me laugh the poor op always gets ignored cos they're so busy trying to attack each other confused

daiseehope Fri 10-Jan-14 20:42:04

Present company excepted naturally grin

Lahti Fri 10-Jan-14 21:20:05

Hello ladies, I'm rarely on here now and the thread moves do fast, BUT after leaving my ex last feb I finally got my decree absolute today. 11 1/2 years of marriage over... Feels weird, but there's a lot if relief. Keep plugging away ladies, you're all fab.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 10-Jan-14 21:21:27

Wow, what a milestone, Lahti. I hope 2014 is a good year for you.

bountyicecream Fri 10-Jan-14 23:01:09

What other board daisy ? I always like threads when I see others from this thead posting. It reels like safety on numbers. grin

bountyicecream Fri 10-Jan-14 23:02:38

And kind of congrats lahti. I remember you from before. It's worth celebrating but I can imagine that it doesn't quite feel right either. Kind of tinged with sadness. But yes, a great fresh start for 2014 smile

daiseehope Fri 10-Jan-14 23:22:50

Hi bounty, someone posted about "is this abuse" on relationships. It's probably me being over sensitive. Had to go to see mental health peeps, well I say had to but just found I'd driven myself in there I step of work. Don't know if this is a bad sign but they dragged a clinical psychologist in as well as the nurse. People being negative towards possible abuse is a major trigger for me it seemsblush wine wine wine

daiseehope Fri 10-Jan-14 23:23:42

And yes you're right about strength in numbers, it's scary out there......

MinkBernardLundy Sat 11-Jan-14 00:30:31

Thanks charlotte and fi thanks

ninilegsintheair Sat 11-Jan-14 09:16:46

Personally I'm avoiding other threads on the relationships board right now after being dragged over hot coals on a thread recently. The ignorance of some posters claiming to 'help' is shocking.

FW is in reasonable mode and I'm left wondering if I imagined what happened at new year. When they're being reasonable is when its hardest I find!

brew anyone?

daiseehope Sat 11-Jan-14 10:37:56

Nini, they're obviously taking it in turns. Mine is being a total git sad

MinkBernardLundy Sat 11-Jan-14 10:50:40

lahti glad you got it all sorted out do you can move on. it must be a weight off you mind even if it is not a cause to celebrate.

I have been thinking a bit about that lately. i never took note of the day FW and I split but having realised it must be about the year mark I checked and the anniversary is next week. but I don't felt like celebrating. sadconfused. Sometimes when others have left I have really wanted to put the bunting out because they have waited, planned and then made an escape and it is like watching someone do something brave and dangerous- you are just delighted that they made it safely. the celebration is relief as much as anything.
But there was no planning, no effort required for me. i just decided in the middle if the second day in a row where he came in and shouted abuse at me in front of the dcs i had had enough, asked him to leave my house and off he went. He was not controlling so my life carried on much as before but without him shouting.

It was a bit like a rocket trying to leave orbit though, you have to achive escape velocity to stop gravity pulling you back in and last year ,after many false starts, I made it. I finally stopped dashing my hopes on the rocks.

But still not a cause for celebration. don't get me wrong I would never go back. i am glad to be free of the shouting and the guilt. but really the end of any rs is a sad thing especially when it is your dcs family that has been torn apart. i know it was never a proper healthy functioning family in the first place but I wish it could have been. a year ago next week is the anniversary if the day I asked him to leave and h my dcs had an unpleasant memory of their father flouncing walking out burned on their minds forever. sad

so no champagne for me. not even a trip to the vixens maybe just a brew some new freedom flowers and some quiet reflection.

I although forever grateful to all the women on this thread for your bravery, your humour, your wisdom, your support and compassion and helping me get through the last year (I arrived here after he left). And of corset for all the revellry dirty minded wotsits and laughter in the Vixens winecakeflowers

Onwards and upwards.

MinkBernardLundy Sat 11-Jan-14 10:52:49

Oh Bernard where did that corset come from. i nearly made it through an entire (long) post there and right and the last minute a corset! grin

TheSparklyPussycat Sat 11-Jan-14 11:28:51

Love the corset! Optional attire for the Vixens.

I sometimes spot your Bernard's posts on other threads before reading your posting name - he sounds so forceful: "you Will get over this"

daiseehope Sat 11-Jan-14 11:30:34

Mink, that's a great post. You did it! [

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