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Shaking and feel sick

(134 Posts)
PurplePest Fri 10-Jan-14 14:21:52


Apologies if this is rambling or all over the place but that's exactly what my head's like at the moment.

I don't post often at all but I'm a super regular lurker and find Mumsnet fab and full of great advice and info.

I am 38 and have a DD aged 5yo. We live with my 'partner' who is DD's Daddy. We've had a colourful past (but nothing hugely out of the ordinary) and broke up in 2007 (then I found out I was pregnant). DD and I stayed in the house until April 2009 and then moved out until Summer 2011. We - Mummy and daddy - seemed to getting along just fine. The reason for this split was a mixture of several things but instigated by my 'D'P. He said I didn't support him enough primarily. His Mum has vascular dementia and 'we' were the main carers. He also has two DS's from previous relationships so we were either looking after Mum or Ds's! But I feel I played my role very well and tried to be a good SM and almost-DIL.

Conversations, instigated by P whenever we were together, centred around getting back together, getting married, having more kids, being a family. Eventually, I bit the bullet and went back. Things on the whole have been good. We've lost three babies (February 2012 @ 14 weeks, February 2013 @16 weeks and July 2013 @9 weeks) and have supported one another well. I had a down period where it all got to me throughout October and November 2013 but came through it.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

For about 18 months I felt happy and didn't feel the need to snoop.

Moving forward to October 2013 - I needed to check my mobile phone charges as there were extra charges on the bill. Whilst looking innocently at the data, I noticed calls to a new number early in the morning, every morning, whilst he was on his way to work. And on his way back home. And whenever I wasn't at home / away for the weekend or overnight. Three calls to this number that totalled about 3 hours and the calls were made in the middle of the night. I was away.

I didn't say anything as didn't have the energy and wanted to see how things panned out.

'D'P is always a good, fun Daddy, found a decent paying job (was unemployed after redundancy for 18 months) and was loving towards me.

But - I've had this niggling feeling ever since and feel like I can't trust him. Still. So yesterday evening, he went to the gym after closing down his Yahoo page. When he left I went to see if there was a slim chance he'd not logged out. He hadn't. Emails to about three different women completely overstepping boundaries. Let's meet up for drinks, miss you, compliments, flirting, mildly sexual at times.

But the icing on the cake for me? I took in a 'friend' and her DS (friends with my DD and same age as her) who had split from her boyfriend and was in a dark place. Depressed and anxious and on a cocktail of AD's. 'We' helped her through it all. She ended up staying a year in total (August 2012 until August 2013). I had issues with 'D'P' and her being too close for my liking. On one hand he would tell me how terrible she was, bad mother, neglectful, irresponsible etc. But on the other hand they spent lots of time together whilst I was away. Away being for work or visiting friends or my Mum which I do often with my DD. He used to make me out to be nuts and losing the plot in terms of how I felt about their 'friendship'. I left it at that as there was too much going on in my head re my baby losses.

Emails between 'D'P and this bint - the one I took in, supported, sat with, talked with, shared my home with - catching up with one another. But snippets of the emails (all directed by him / instigated by him) were: miss you, when are you in London next (she moved to Czech after an ugly court case which I accompanied her to!) as I would like to see you, when have you got time for me?, have you got space in your heart / head for missing me?, we lived under the same roof for a year and I grew close to you mentally and physically and talking about me too and how I was being at that particular time.
I have changed his password and have added his email account to my iphone so can access today and until he can change it. Have forwarded incriminating emails to my work email so I have them Have also made a note of any suspect email addresses..

I have taken my laptop and some clothes for me and DD and am heading over to my Mums after school pick up. I can't bear to see him. It was hard enough being 'normal' last night as didn't want it all disclosed then whilst DD was in the house. I'm back on Sunday evening. I have put a friend on standby to have DD should I decide to talk to him.

He doesn't know I know yet but I am going to send him a text later saying that I know about his shennanigans but need time and space to digest. I am also going to ask him to stay with a friend for the week next week although I'm pretty sure he won't.

The house is in both our names. We're not married but he keeps talking about how he wants to be married. We've been engaged since 2005!!! Obviously we had a break.

I am going to email the 'frienemy' to tell her I know. I know it's not sensible but I want her to know I know.

I have spoken with two RL friends. Was helpful but my head is in a spin! I don't want to tell my Mum yet and am scared about what the future holds. My DD is sooooooooooooooo happy with us both and I'm panicking at the thought of changing her life.

I'm shaking, at work, can't eat, feel sick and can't concentrate. Am leaving in half an hour though. Feel sick, sick,'s the 'frienemy' that has thrown me completely off balance. Such betrayal from someone I considered a friend and went out of my way to help.

I don't know what to do next...I feel lost. He's messed everything up big time.

I don't think I can think of him the same ever again. I won't ever trust him or respect him as a man or partner. He's a great Daddy but hasn't he ever stopped to think how he would feel if someone was doing what he was doing to his DD?????????????

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try and get as much info down as possible.

I won't be able to respond now for a while (not sure if I'll be able to today at all as at DM's and I really don't want her to know yet) but will be checking in soon.

Thank you for reading.

NumptyNameChange Fri 17-Jan-14 17:21:46

exactly purple, sorry.

being faithful and kind and considerate and putting your family first should be what we want for ourselves, not something we'll agree to emulate if we get a comfy home and status quo in exchange. it should be basic, not a... if you give me this i'll do this.

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 17:27:18

join I will need to use that at some point I think!!!

numpty you're right. If he wanted it for himself he might stay on track. Doing it for me means he won't do it for long...until he thinks the trust is back is all!

And this is a man who insists he has high standards and great morals. Ha!

NumptyNameChange Thu 16-Jan-14 17:13:54

why doesn't HE want to be a man who is faithful and loyal and decent? does he really need you to want it for him in order to be it?

blimey. doesn't have very high standards does he?

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 16-Jan-14 17:00:05

What about telling him that the man you want him to be is your ex partner, who is a good father to his daughter and co-operative with the separation?

Love it grin

That is EXACTLY what you should say.

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 16:58:16

Faire he is only thinking about himself. He doesn't want to go. But he will have to. Eventually for good. Right now, I think I'm being accommodating enough and he comes back to see DD, get clothes etc. That's fine by me as it's not a big deal and pretty easy to deal with. Apart from his odd idiotic comment infront of DD.

He would be the man I want him to be. For about six months. And then proceed to build up his address book with new numbers and new email addresses. And so the cycle would start again.

This is becoming very clear to me. I love him unfortunately and that's the bit that's making me struggle at times.

Fairenuff Thu 16-Jan-14 16:43:46

I will be the man you want me to be.

What he means is "I will be the man you want me to be if you agree to let me keep lying to you, pretend that I didn't sleep with anyone else, stop going on about it and let me move back in and carry on with my cushy life."

That's a very big 'if'.

What about telling him that the man you want him to be is your ex partner, who is a good father to his daughter and co-operative with the separation? Then see how accommodating he is.

He is still only thinking of himself.

MissScatterbrain Thu 16-Jan-14 16:21:15

Exactly OP.

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 15:21:18

Thank you MissScatterbrain! I feel very happy with my hairdo and love the bounce grin !

I do have my moments and do have several wobbles a day but today I feel OK. Still feeling sicky and there's a constant funny feeling in my tummy. And am trying to nibble on nuts etc. But not easy.

Yes, a long line of fuck ups have come to bite him on the arse and he is feeling very sorry for himself. They can never be wiped out.

I am a very forgiving person by nature but he really has pushed me to my limit. I am not prepared to waste any more time on him although I am determined to come through this without the two of us hating one another or making things awkward around DD. If anyone will make it difficult it'll be him as he's not in control. He's usually very calm and laid-back and takes everything in his stride. Nothing (outwardly) phases him. Let's see how he deals with this huge mess.

I expected his friend to know almost everything at least. But he (obviously) dumbed it down and told his mate it was over some emails and clearly made a bigger deal about my snooping. But the friend now knows why I snooped and the back story. He is not impressed. Said he didn't have a clue. Just goes to show how sneaky P is! He wouldn't want friend to think he was anything but a proper family man looking after his house and two girls would he???

MissScatterbrain Thu 16-Jan-14 15:07:33

Great to hear you are still being strong. How lovely that you love your snazzy hair do.

The problem with him is that its a long history of lies, fuck ups, indiscretions and other selfish twattish behaviours - how can you wipe all of these out?

Glad his friend now knows what the real deal is - these men can never be honest about themselves and their own failings. If he was a real man, he would have been honest with this friend wouldn't he?

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 15:01:14

Exactly Join exactly. Why didn't he be that man in the first place? He was stepping up to the plate in terms of bringing in money, sharing childcare, spent lots of time with DD and was doing up the house BUT what about his duties as a partner and lover? I guess he thought he could away with having this little sideline life whilst getting on with his other duties!

The mate he's staying with texted me this morning telling me that P will not give up on 14 years. Yesterday I asked if the friend who's putting P up knows everything and P said yes. So I preceded to have a very long text convo with said friend. He knew nothing! He's shocked and told me that P had lost me, was taking me for granted and to look after myself and DD. And for some strange reason, this text convo has also given me strength. His bonafide friend is disappointed in him and says he doesn't deserve me and DD. People are starting to see through his cocky façade.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 16-Jan-14 14:28:47

Good for you, Purple.

"I'll be the man you want me to be."

I find that so insulting.

It basically says that he could be that man if he wanted to be, but he hasn't been arsed until you turfed him out.

The reality is that this lowlife has no idea how to be a man at all.

PurplePest Thu 16-Jan-14 14:23:57

You're all right!

Thank you ALL for your messages. Some are hard to read as they tell it how it is but they're are good for me to read as will help keep me focused.

My boss has been brilliant and is being very supportive. So if I have to dash off due to added childcare duties I can. And also helps as he knows I'm not being lazy but just can't concentrate.

numpty I understand re scrambled head!

And interesting re the teenage boys. So true that some will never, ever get it.

Oh and my haircut is fab! Super short and makes me feel good! Really glad I did it as the small things make these horrible things a little better for a while.

He popped home (pre-arranged) last night and we had a little chat after DD had gone to bed. I think he has realised that I'm not going to soften this time and that I'm playing the long game. Told him he needs to bend over backwards at the moment as I did nothing wrong. He did it all. He is going to stay at his mates next week too but started implying he might outstay his welcome to which I replied that he should then book into a B&B. Said he's not going to faff about moving around for too long / a couple of weeks to which I replied that he was in no position to tell me how long anything should take! My point hit home I think.

Got a text message last night saying 'please forgive me. I will be the man you want me to be.' I haven't replied to that. The way it looks to me right now is that he'll never be able to be the man I want him to be and that this is over. I know I'm better off without him. But it'll take me a little while to let go completely although I am being strong and standing my ground. I will get there.

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 17:27:28

i'm sorry my second post may be out of context - really sorry but think i mixed you up with another poster whose partner had been abusing her about the state of the house as well as cheating. i do apologise, i'm just in from work and head scrambled smile

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 17:22:57

however it's not surprising is it? look at how he has been about the house and the work that needs doing in day to day life - utter refusal to take any responsibility but constant moaning and blaming.

he is so entitled that he thinks not only all the physical work is your responsibility but all of the emotional work too - you're meant to be responsible for his behaving like a vaguely decent human being and if he isn't then it's your fault.

he's like a spoiled, entitled brat. can you imagine being so fucking entitled you think it's someone else's job to clear up your shit in all areas of your life?

NumptyNameChange Wed 15-Jan-14 17:19:47

did you talk to your boss? hope you did and he was understanding. will help to take the pressure of slightly if you know someone has your back and is forewarned that you're not at the top of your game.

as for the relationship - he is still behaving awfully, refusing to take responsibility for his actions and blaming you. that equals unable to change. i work with teenagers and there is absolutely no way forward until they can responsibility for their own behaviour and stop arguing and blaming. it's actually quite pathetic that you're dealing with behavioural issues with a grown man that i'm tackling with teenage boys. i was thinking it was immature in a sixteen year old but your 'partner' makes me realise some never get it. to me that seems like stunted development - immaturity and also just having missed a very basic lesson in how to be a responsible human being.

Fairenuff Wed 15-Jan-14 17:01:36

he says that I should've just confronted him about his inappropriate contact with women and he would've stopped

But you did OP! You already confronted him about inappropriate contact with women and he said he would stop. But he didn't stop. He carried on.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

That happened two year ago. Nothing has changed. He honestly thinks he can do this to you again. How many more years do you want to waste on this man?

You really are doing the right thing Purple, although it is hard it's not half as hard as living like this for the next 20 years or so.

Try to have a little bit of soup that you can sip and concentrate on looking after yourself. How did the haircut turn out?

struggling100 Wed 15-Jan-14 16:02:57

Oh God, I am so, so sorry you're having to deal with such an epic wankbag. Get as far away from him as you can!

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 15-Jan-14 15:36:51

"I know he has epically fucked up."

No he hasn't.

He's been taking the piss out of you for years and you finally opened eyes and saw what was right in front of your face.

And sorry, but dyslexia is not the reason he told you he fucked someone else but you weren't allowed to be pissed off about it because nobody died.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 15:36:20

any you're right. It's not my responsibility to stop him messing around. But the good thing is that I am feeling angrier now. Slowly. And that anger should help me stay grounded and stay strong.

MissScatterbrain I am planning to make try and do nice things for myself to help ease the anxiety and the constant sicky feeling and lack of appetite. I have not eaten properly since last Thursday. Just can't face it.

This is so shit.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 15:04:38

It will never work with a man who thinks it is your responsibility to stop him messing about with other women

He wouldn't have done it if you had stopped him ?


PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 14:34:11

pop that's a great post. Thank you.

All you say is true. He should be so up my arse he's touching my tonsils but I don't think he gets that. Let's see where this goes...right now I can't taking each day as it comes and for now, the space is great.

PopiusTartius Wed 15-Jan-14 14:04:44

You asked: Can this relationship work?

In all honesty love, I don't think it can.

His responses are not the responses of a "good guy who fucked up in a moment of madness". In that instance I would expect my husband, for instance, to be BESIDE himself with guilt, grief, remorse. I would expect him to have given me everything I asked for without hesitation in order to give me a chance to think things through.

Please think on how he has responded.

When he didn't know exactly what you had found out he ADMITTED to you that he fucked someone. There is no dyslexia in this world that can explain "So I fucked someone, nobody died".

He has threatened you that things "will get messy" if you split up.

He has blamed you for his infidelity (and that IS what it is) thus:
1. You didn't support him enough when YOU had 3 miscarriages
2. You should have confronted him about his 'inappropriate behaviour' (kissing, cuddling and fucking other women, ringing them several times a day, chasing them via email and that's just the bit you know about)
3. You are unhappy. You are looking for an excuse to leave etc.
4. He refused to give you the one thing you wanted: space - until you had had to beg for it several times over.

Please read it in black and white. These are NOT the actions of a good man, partner or father. You deserve better than this man. Please don't be beholden to him and stay in this miserable, disrespectful relationship because you are scared you won't "do any better".

And please please, also, don't stay for your DD. Because actually what you teach her is that women don't deserve to be loved, respected and cared for, that they should put up with being treated badly for the sake of peace and harmony. She can still see her father but she will know that she doesn't ever have to be beholden to a shitty cheat of a man because of fear or guilt or anything else. Teach her how to make good relationship choices in the future by making them yourself now.

It will be hard, it will be scary but millions of women just as scared as you do it and make it through, and you will both end up better off.

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 13:40:45

Lol! You should think of other things that will bring you pleasure and make you feel good - bubble baths, new nail polish, coffee with a friend, a trip etc.

Now is the time to focus on yourself.

PurplePest Wed 15-Jan-14 13:32:34

Thank you MissScstterbrain. Will take my mind off things for a bit and will feel good afterwards. Not to mention the fact that he hates my hair short! Been thinking of doing it for ages...

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 13:26:27

Good luck at the hairdressers - hope you love your new hair.

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