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Shaking and feel sick

(134 Posts)
PurplePest Fri 10-Jan-14 14:21:52


Apologies if this is rambling or all over the place but that's exactly what my head's like at the moment.

I don't post often at all but I'm a super regular lurker and find Mumsnet fab and full of great advice and info.

I am 38 and have a DD aged 5yo. We live with my 'partner' who is DD's Daddy. We've had a colourful past (but nothing hugely out of the ordinary) and broke up in 2007 (then I found out I was pregnant). DD and I stayed in the house until April 2009 and then moved out until Summer 2011. We - Mummy and daddy - seemed to getting along just fine. The reason for this split was a mixture of several things but instigated by my 'D'P. He said I didn't support him enough primarily. His Mum has vascular dementia and 'we' were the main carers. He also has two DS's from previous relationships so we were either looking after Mum or Ds's! But I feel I played my role very well and tried to be a good SM and almost-DIL.

Conversations, instigated by P whenever we were together, centred around getting back together, getting married, having more kids, being a family. Eventually, I bit the bullet and went back. Things on the whole have been good. We've lost three babies (February 2012 @ 14 weeks, February 2013 @16 weeks and July 2013 @9 weeks) and have supported one another well. I had a down period where it all got to me throughout October and November 2013 but came through it.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

For about 18 months I felt happy and didn't feel the need to snoop.

Moving forward to October 2013 - I needed to check my mobile phone charges as there were extra charges on the bill. Whilst looking innocently at the data, I noticed calls to a new number early in the morning, every morning, whilst he was on his way to work. And on his way back home. And whenever I wasn't at home / away for the weekend or overnight. Three calls to this number that totalled about 3 hours and the calls were made in the middle of the night. I was away.

I didn't say anything as didn't have the energy and wanted to see how things panned out.

'D'P is always a good, fun Daddy, found a decent paying job (was unemployed after redundancy for 18 months) and was loving towards me.

But - I've had this niggling feeling ever since and feel like I can't trust him. Still. So yesterday evening, he went to the gym after closing down his Yahoo page. When he left I went to see if there was a slim chance he'd not logged out. He hadn't. Emails to about three different women completely overstepping boundaries. Let's meet up for drinks, miss you, compliments, flirting, mildly sexual at times.

But the icing on the cake for me? I took in a 'friend' and her DS (friends with my DD and same age as her) who had split from her boyfriend and was in a dark place. Depressed and anxious and on a cocktail of AD's. 'We' helped her through it all. She ended up staying a year in total (August 2012 until August 2013). I had issues with 'D'P' and her being too close for my liking. On one hand he would tell me how terrible she was, bad mother, neglectful, irresponsible etc. But on the other hand they spent lots of time together whilst I was away. Away being for work or visiting friends or my Mum which I do often with my DD. He used to make me out to be nuts and losing the plot in terms of how I felt about their 'friendship'. I left it at that as there was too much going on in my head re my baby losses.

Emails between 'D'P and this bint - the one I took in, supported, sat with, talked with, shared my home with - catching up with one another. But snippets of the emails (all directed by him / instigated by him) were: miss you, when are you in London next (she moved to Czech after an ugly court case which I accompanied her to!) as I would like to see you, when have you got time for me?, have you got space in your heart / head for missing me?, we lived under the same roof for a year and I grew close to you mentally and physically and talking about me too and how I was being at that particular time.
I have changed his password and have added his email account to my iphone so can access today and until he can change it. Have forwarded incriminating emails to my work email so I have them Have also made a note of any suspect email addresses..

I have taken my laptop and some clothes for me and DD and am heading over to my Mums after school pick up. I can't bear to see him. It was hard enough being 'normal' last night as didn't want it all disclosed then whilst DD was in the house. I'm back on Sunday evening. I have put a friend on standby to have DD should I decide to talk to him.

He doesn't know I know yet but I am going to send him a text later saying that I know about his shennanigans but need time and space to digest. I am also going to ask him to stay with a friend for the week next week although I'm pretty sure he won't.

The house is in both our names. We're not married but he keeps talking about how he wants to be married. We've been engaged since 2005!!! Obviously we had a break.

I am going to email the 'frienemy' to tell her I know. I know it's not sensible but I want her to know I know.

I have spoken with two RL friends. Was helpful but my head is in a spin! I don't want to tell my Mum yet and am scared about what the future holds. My DD is sooooooooooooooo happy with us both and I'm panicking at the thought of changing her life.

I'm shaking, at work, can't eat, feel sick and can't concentrate. Am leaving in half an hour though. Feel sick, sick,'s the 'frienemy' that has thrown me completely off balance. Such betrayal from someone I considered a friend and went out of my way to help.

I don't know what to do next...I feel lost. He's messed everything up big time.

I don't think I can think of him the same ever again. I won't ever trust him or respect him as a man or partner. He's a great Daddy but hasn't he ever stopped to think how he would feel if someone was doing what he was doing to his DD?????????????

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try and get as much info down as possible.

I won't be able to respond now for a while (not sure if I'll be able to today at all as at DM's and I really don't want her to know yet) but will be checking in soon.

Thank you for reading.

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:22:06

because there is something wrong with you basically. (him i mean obviously!)

be it immaturity or pathology or selfishness or whatever it is. it may even be an understandable thing but the fact is even if it is he's chosen to deal with it in this way rather than talk to you or face up to it and try to deal with it.

it's not, as you said, that you've never been enough. it's not about you is it? it's about him.

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:26:49

btw i'm glad you feel able to do it alone and i think it's a good thing that you know the two of you have managed to co-parent despite not being together in the past.

it is all terribly sad of course but it need only be those 2.5 years now rather than more of your life wasted as you put it.

you sound lovely and very capable and i'm sure that you will be a resourceful and capable single parent and will build a happy life. i'm sorry that you have to go through this period but i'm betting there will be much positive stuff ahead for you x

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:29:37

sorry, that ^^ sounds flippant but clearly you are the stronger, more stable, more at one with yourself and on track one in this partnership ergo you can only be better off without him.

tying yourself to someone who is never going to measure up is a true waste of a life. in case it is a factor for you i just want to say that i'm sure there'll be other opportunities to try for more children in the future as well. please don't conflate the relationship ending with your chances of having another child ending. very, very separate.

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 12:31:22

oh and i am really really sorry for all the miscarriages you've been through. i have only been through it once and it was huge so i can only imagine what it's like to have it happen again and again.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 12:41:13

Numpty it is about him and not me - you're right. But as it's so raw right now it does make you feel inadequate / unable to be 'the one' etc...although I know I shouldn't feel in anyway responsible...

I feel confident I'll be ok but it's the transition from now until then. That journey. I'm dreading it. The awkwardness, the disagreements, the planning, this thing becoming oh-so-real...

I know I'll be better off without him. No more feeling insecure or not sure re trust etc.

Friends and family have always said he's a good manipulator...

The miscarriages were awful. Such a hard time for us. I thought we would've become closer but instead he decided to get close to the 'frienemy' I helped and took into my home...

And I didn't think you were being flippant!

MarchelineWhatNot Sat 11-Jan-14 12:48:16

PurplePest, you sound like a really together person. You don't need him, seriously you don't. And your mum sounds great and very supportive. Please don't get back with him, you are worth so much more.

Oh, and about the miscarriages... when you decide to try again, please explore why you had the previous miscarriages. Could it be immunity issues, for instance?

Good luck, babe - I am sure you and your DD have a great future ahead of you without this dick.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 13:06:14

Platitude of the day: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Live it well, my dear.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 13:19:46

March thank you. I'm sure I can't be with him. He repulses me. His lies, his secrecy, his proclamations of love everyday!
I don't want to be with him anymore. I love him but hate him.

Re the miscarriages - first one was brain and skull not foing properly, second was Downs and third I don't know.
I am currently in the process of organising talking to consultants at the hospital via the bereavement midwife (who's wonderful!) to see if they can explore what's been going on.

DM is being great as are a couple of friends I have told.

Crowler yes!!!

Anyone fancy going over and chopping his balls off for me???

We will be fine, DD and I, but right now I feel like shit. I feel like I've failed. The disappointment is huge. And it feels like the last 2.5years have been a lie. But at least only 2.5years!

I've been drinking tea like crazy!!! brew

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 13:35:25

Oh and now I think about it - 'D'P, from time to time, would say (if I were off out or waxing my legs etc) 'you got a date or something?' and things like that and occasionally tell me he thought I was having an affair. Projection?

Doha Sat 11-Jan-14 17:01:10

Has he made any attempt to contact you at all or do you think by giving you space he thinks it will all blow over

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 17:52:21

He hasn't contacted me Doha...I honesty don't know what's going on in his head...would love to know.

Doha Sat 11-Jan-14 18:15:34

Coward ---he hasn't got the balls to face you or contact you !
You have not failed Purple he has failed spectacularly both you and your DD
Hold your head high, remain your dignity and get him out the house if you can.
It may be an idea to get some legal advice just to see where you stand. I am glad you have some RL support and your mum sounds lovely

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 18:41:59

Thank you Doha.

I can't make my mind up if it's cowardice or anger - how dare you violate my privacy etc as I KNOW he'll play victim.

I am determined to stay strong, keep composed and retain all dignity. It's gonna be hard!

Am going to try to get some legal advice on Monday. I don't have a clue where to start though.

DM, bro and sis and friend have been fantastic.

Am going to try and eat something soon. Not eaten a thing since Thursday evening. Feel constantly sick!

Not sure what I'm walking into tomorrow night. Good thing my friend will have DD over for sleepover in case there's lots of shouting etc! I want to say as little as possible. Not sure what there is to say except how we move forward sensibly with as little fallout as poss...

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 19:37:40

Purple, I hope you can remember just one thing: don't engage. If you do, he's going to try to chip away at your resolve. If you're calm and resolute and economical with the words, he'll find you so much more a force to reckon with. Keep it simple.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 19:38:54

I heard Katy's Perry's "Wide Awake" whilst on the treadmill today and it made me think of you, incidentally!

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 20:17:26

I am going to try my very best not to engage. I don't want to. I don't want reasons or excuses. I don't want to hear how he's been violated. My decision is made. Me and him can't be together. He wants other female attention. He's in a position to go and do it freely now! And good luck to him!.

crowler you made me smile. Thank you.

Minime85 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:30:51

some really strong sounding messages from you. you will be ok and sound like you have great RL support. keep smiling and believing and moving forward one step at a time.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 08:32:38

Thank you mini...feeling a liitle tired and when I wake I have to process it all and it I still can't sometimes believe it's happened.

Update - he texted with 'Morning what time are you coming home?' just after 8 am. I texted back just now saying 'Morning. Not sure. What are your plans?' Let's see what he says and what his plans are. Will he do the decent thing and disappear before we get back? I don't feel like talking to him. I have nothing to say except discuss how we move on separately. That can be done later. Need head space. It's been great being away from him but how funny that as soon as his name popped up on my screen my emotions went into overdrive...sadness, love, normality for a split second (!), and panic! God I hate him. Can't deny that I love him but I hate him so much for ruining what we had. Fucking fucktard. sad

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 08:33:15

Apologies for typos - bloody phone!

Allergictoironing Sun 12-Jan-14 08:48:22

I would probably have texted "Morning. Depends, what time will you be gone by? Some time after that".

Can almost guarantee he won't leave without pushing, a LOT of pushing. He will be hoping he can sweet talk you round as it's just this one aberration, will never happen again, only happened because [^some excuse^] etc etc. Or will want to explain how you drove him to it (though that may come later down the line).

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 08:55:05

Him - I don't have any plans. What's your plans?

Me - Oh OK. I am coming home today but not sure what time. I take it you're not going to stay somewhere for a few days?

Waiting for the next one...even though there is no need for text convos. But I do want to know (even only in a teeny tiny way) what I'm going home to.

allergic yep he will do all those things. He will defo tell me how I pushed him to it by being moody and hard to be round. FFS we lost babies. Of course I'd struggle!
And the snooping will be a HUGE thing. Almost probably more important to him than his betrayal and cheating.

I will defo leave DD with a friend.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 09:01:37

No am not staying away for a few days, this is our home.... When you know what time u2 are coming, let me know... Am not sure why you want me out the house....

This is what I've just had back from him. WTF???

desperatelyseekingsolace Sun 12-Jan-14 09:04:00

Hi * Purple* thinking of you this morning, hoping you are feeling ok. Wishing you strength and calm.

PurplePest Sun 12-Jan-14 09:13:44

Thank you desperate and morning to you. You're one of the first people I thought about this morning!

He's making me feel angry right now. Had such a lovely evening with my family last night. Made me realise I have nothing to be scared of. But I am not looking forward to this evening. It's making me feel sick.

I ate a handful of peanuts, casserole and bread and drank prosecco last night. Glad I ate a little but not sure I'll stomach anything today.

Are you eating lovely desperate?

Can't believe he doesn't know why he should go...playing things down will not work. Our home he says. He broke our home when he got busy with the lodging frienemy!

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Sun 12-Jan-14 09:22:39

Purple, you are being too passive and handing him the responsibility to 'do the right thing' which he simply won't do. Don't text and say 'I take it you aren't going'. That tells him you've already given up and expect him to stay. Text him 'I want you out by 3pm (or whatever time). You have lost your right to your home. This does not need an explanation.'

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