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Shaking and feel sick

(134 Posts)
PurplePest Fri 10-Jan-14 14:21:52


Apologies if this is rambling or all over the place but that's exactly what my head's like at the moment.

I don't post often at all but I'm a super regular lurker and find Mumsnet fab and full of great advice and info.

I am 38 and have a DD aged 5yo. We live with my 'partner' who is DD's Daddy. We've had a colourful past (but nothing hugely out of the ordinary) and broke up in 2007 (then I found out I was pregnant). DD and I stayed in the house until April 2009 and then moved out until Summer 2011. We - Mummy and daddy - seemed to getting along just fine. The reason for this split was a mixture of several things but instigated by my 'D'P. He said I didn't support him enough primarily. His Mum has vascular dementia and 'we' were the main carers. He also has two DS's from previous relationships so we were either looking after Mum or Ds's! But I feel I played my role very well and tried to be a good SM and almost-DIL.

Conversations, instigated by P whenever we were together, centred around getting back together, getting married, having more kids, being a family. Eventually, I bit the bullet and went back. Things on the whole have been good. We've lost three babies (February 2012 @ 14 weeks, February 2013 @16 weeks and July 2013 @9 weeks) and have supported one another well. I had a down period where it all got to me throughout October and November 2013 but came through it.

I had a period of time where I found some emails and texts (call it female intuition / gut instinct) and I addressed this with him in February 2012). Sorted. Or so I thought. He was adamant that he would stop any inappropriate texting / communicating etc.

For about 18 months I felt happy and didn't feel the need to snoop.

Moving forward to October 2013 - I needed to check my mobile phone charges as there were extra charges on the bill. Whilst looking innocently at the data, I noticed calls to a new number early in the morning, every morning, whilst he was on his way to work. And on his way back home. And whenever I wasn't at home / away for the weekend or overnight. Three calls to this number that totalled about 3 hours and the calls were made in the middle of the night. I was away.

I didn't say anything as didn't have the energy and wanted to see how things panned out.

'D'P is always a good, fun Daddy, found a decent paying job (was unemployed after redundancy for 18 months) and was loving towards me.

But - I've had this niggling feeling ever since and feel like I can't trust him. Still. So yesterday evening, he went to the gym after closing down his Yahoo page. When he left I went to see if there was a slim chance he'd not logged out. He hadn't. Emails to about three different women completely overstepping boundaries. Let's meet up for drinks, miss you, compliments, flirting, mildly sexual at times.

But the icing on the cake for me? I took in a 'friend' and her DS (friends with my DD and same age as her) who had split from her boyfriend and was in a dark place. Depressed and anxious and on a cocktail of AD's. 'We' helped her through it all. She ended up staying a year in total (August 2012 until August 2013). I had issues with 'D'P' and her being too close for my liking. On one hand he would tell me how terrible she was, bad mother, neglectful, irresponsible etc. But on the other hand they spent lots of time together whilst I was away. Away being for work or visiting friends or my Mum which I do often with my DD. He used to make me out to be nuts and losing the plot in terms of how I felt about their 'friendship'. I left it at that as there was too much going on in my head re my baby losses.

Emails between 'D'P and this bint - the one I took in, supported, sat with, talked with, shared my home with - catching up with one another. But snippets of the emails (all directed by him / instigated by him) were: miss you, when are you in London next (she moved to Czech after an ugly court case which I accompanied her to!) as I would like to see you, when have you got time for me?, have you got space in your heart / head for missing me?, we lived under the same roof for a year and I grew close to you mentally and physically and talking about me too and how I was being at that particular time.
I have changed his password and have added his email account to my iphone so can access today and until he can change it. Have forwarded incriminating emails to my work email so I have them Have also made a note of any suspect email addresses..

I have taken my laptop and some clothes for me and DD and am heading over to my Mums after school pick up. I can't bear to see him. It was hard enough being 'normal' last night as didn't want it all disclosed then whilst DD was in the house. I'm back on Sunday evening. I have put a friend on standby to have DD should I decide to talk to him.

He doesn't know I know yet but I am going to send him a text later saying that I know about his shennanigans but need time and space to digest. I am also going to ask him to stay with a friend for the week next week although I'm pretty sure he won't.

The house is in both our names. We're not married but he keeps talking about how he wants to be married. We've been engaged since 2005!!! Obviously we had a break.

I am going to email the 'frienemy' to tell her I know. I know it's not sensible but I want her to know I know.

I have spoken with two RL friends. Was helpful but my head is in a spin! I don't want to tell my Mum yet and am scared about what the future holds. My DD is sooooooooooooooo happy with us both and I'm panicking at the thought of changing her life.

I'm shaking, at work, can't eat, feel sick and can't concentrate. Am leaving in half an hour though. Feel sick, sick,'s the 'frienemy' that has thrown me completely off balance. Such betrayal from someone I considered a friend and went out of my way to help.

I don't know what to do next...I feel lost. He's messed everything up big time.

I don't think I can think of him the same ever again. I won't ever trust him or respect him as a man or partner. He's a great Daddy but hasn't he ever stopped to think how he would feel if someone was doing what he was doing to his DD?????????????

Sorry for the ramble but wanted to try and get as much info down as possible.

I won't be able to respond now for a while (not sure if I'll be able to today at all as at DM's and I really don't want her to know yet) but will be checking in soon.

Thank you for reading.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-Jan-14 14:34:35

So, in short, you've made certain compromises to get back with him, thought all in the garden was rosy and have discovered he's tomcatting around with an old friend and various other women.

Just to correct you however, he didn't 'do' anything to DD. He's indulging in a lot of ego-boosting affairs for his own pleasure and it would appear that you and DD are far from his mind. He's assumed that he can do as he pleases and there's no harm done as long as you don't twig.

So what to do... I'm afraid you have to confront your DP with the deathly phrases 'We need to talk' and 'Is there something you want to tell me?' Have a good idea in your mind what happens next because I'm sure you'll get a lot of plausible excuses.

Not pleasant but good luck

myroomisatip Fri 10-Jan-14 17:54:26

So sorry you are going through this. I know everyone is different but there is no way I could forgive that level of betrayal sad

Take action in your own time, when you are ready.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 08:40:12

Thank you for your replies both. I stayed away from the laptop last night and went to bed with DD.

Cog - that's it in a nutshell. I do need to have that talk but I am dreading it. I guess it'll be tomorrow evening when we get back.

Just to clarify the DD point - I meant doesn't he ever think how mad he would be if someone treated his DD the way he is treating me?

But the bottom line is that he didn't expect to get caught. And thought he could have it all.

I know I can go it alone again (I enjoyed it last time even though DD was only just 1yo when we left) but I keep thinking of how things were ticking along so nicely. House getting done, planning this years holidays. Just wanted some peace and fun after 18 months of dealing with baby loss.

I am hurting so much. Still can't eat and feel sick. An struggling keeping it all in and not telling my DM.

myroom I'm not sure I can forgive this. I know he's a manipulator and I have to be on my guard. He will turn it all around and make himself the victim. Poor me, she violated my privacy, snooped and did wrong. But - as I've explained to him, if I felt secure and trusted him I wouldn't have to snoop. And good job I did! Now I know I'm not mad and unhinged. All the things he used to make me out to be when I mentioned my 'concerns'.

Well, I texted him around 3pm yesterday. Told him I knew. Told him I couldn't talk about it at the moment as needed time and space. He hasn't responded. He knows to give me space but I wonder how he's reacted to this. It's life-changing.

The other women were bad enough but it's the 'friend' I can't get over. It makes me sick to the stomach thinking if the three of us sat together in the same room. The two of them whispering in the kitchen. All the time together at home without me. Do I want to know more? I don't know...

Eugh disgusting and makes me shake.

I don't think he'll go anywhere for the week like I've asked. Next week will be difficult if we're both there. How do I make it as easy as possible and keep an even keel around DD when all I want to do is scratch his eyes out???

I feel like he's just fucked things right up and wasted 2.5years of my life. We could've just carried on as we were. Living around the corner from one another, got on well.

I feel so mentally tired.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 08:55:37

Not going anywhere isn't an option. Drive him out on the end of a sweeping brush if you have to but make it intolerable for him to stay. Not negotiable. Having him around and trying to keep an 'even keel' will just make you sick.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 08:59:20

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

I suppose the upside to this story is now you know and you can draw a line under this relationship, as well as your "friend". I hope your time at your mom's house allows you to have a good cry as well as some regrouping time so you can come up with a plan.

Seriously, don't engage him in your "betrayal" of his privacy. Just move on. You've wasted 2.5 years of your life - it could have been much, much, worse. You are a young woman and you can start a new life.

Why are you not telling your mother?

myroomisatip Sat 11-Jan-14 09:23:46

Maybe tell your mum.

As for him turning it around, well, don't engage. You what you know! Tell him to leave. No discussions. After all, there isn't anything he can say to change history.

I would protect yourself financially if you can, would he empty the bank account if he could?

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 09:30:03

Can you give yourself a head start in organizing yourself by not letting on that you know for the weekend?

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:16:39

Cog when I feel weak I will come onto MN for a talking to! I just have this feeling he won't go. But I don't know whew his head is at as we haven't spoken since 'the text'...

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sat 11-Jan-14 10:24:46

I am sorry but this is really for me, he has no respect for you whatsoever, it sounds like he used you to help him look after his mother and has been either shagging around behind your bck the whole time or at least trying to! The sad thing about this is that i suspect you have known all along, deep down .

Get yourself some legal advice about getting what you are entitled too from the family home etc, and getting him out - you and your DD need somewhere to live, let him go and live with one of his women!

And NO he is not a good father, he is in no way a good father

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sat 11-Jan-14 10:25:24

*really simple

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:30:07

Crowler thank you.

Yes I'm so glad I know what a little deviant he is. And not gonna waste any more time on him. The 'frienemy' is the deal breaker. I feel sick everytime I think too much about it.

I have told my Mum. Couldn't keep my gob shut! She's shocked but not surprised. Feels good to put it out there and now she knows why I've been a little odd since we got here yesterday.
Didn't want to tell her first as didn't want her to worry and also as she will now lose any little respect she ever had for him.

I feel (mentally) safe here...DS is coming over later too and we're visiting my uncle so DD will be having a ball and I can slink off and sulk!

I'm so impressed I didn't buy a bottle of vino last night and down it!!!

Crowler he knows I know as I sent him a text yesterday afternoon...

myroom I am going to be very clear with him in that I want him to go but he can be very very stubborn and pig headed and arrogant and will make it difficult.

Bank account is not too much of a problem as all the bills go from the joint account and are gone (not much else in there after Chrimbo!) and I have the mortgage going from my account (was due to move it to the joint account at the end of Jan).
Our finances were getting better after his 18 month redundancy stint and him being back in work for 6 months. So I had to suffer the slog with him and now he's got a job and money and our life's were getting financially easier, this happens...

My DM has been talking about buying him out / him buying me out / selling / moving but I can't bear thinking about all that yet. I so don't want to move. I moved 4 times (including moving out when DD was 1yo and moving back to the house again) and wanted to settle for a while!

Sigh...I feel so numb at times.

The why is killing me. I was never enough for him.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:33:59

LEM thank you.

I'll be coming here for some stern words as I can be a pushover at times!

Yes I think you're right. I do feel used. Taken for a ride. All of those kind of feelings.

I will get legal advice. How do I start? Sorry I sound silly but haven't had to do this before and not thinking as practically as I would normally!

I want him out. Out of the house, out of my head, out of my heart.

He's going to make it hard though...

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:35:15

My main concern at the mo us that he won't go tomorrow...

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:35:32

*is not us

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:39:37

LEM I think I have known deep down all along that he's a twat but when I went back in 2011 we discussed things in detail and I really thought he'd try to make things work as he chased me for ages! And I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and wanted to try once more for DD's sake.

FFS he's turned my world upside down. Happy fooking new year!

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 10:53:25

Is he on the title to the house? Is he on the mortgage?

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 10:56:47

Yes Crowler he is on title and mortgage. We're joint tenants.

Fairenuff Sat 11-Jan-14 11:00:26

I think you would feel in a stronger position if you see a solicitor about the legalities of whether you can make him leave the house.

Sorry this has happened to you but you don't want to live like this for years on end. Best to go through the whole process now and work on building a happier future for you and your dd.

Viviennemary Sat 11-Jan-14 11:02:07

From what you are saying you feel that you can't trust him ever again and things won't be the same. Some men do seem to think that they can behave how they like as long as there partner doesn't know about it there is no harm done. Which of course is nonsense. I agree that it's time to call it a day once and for all. And about the frenemy. Sadly there does exist this sort of woman.

Fairenuff Sat 11-Jan-14 11:05:19

It's not just men, women too. Most cheaters think they won't be caught. They don't care enough about their partners not to do it.

It will be a very difficult time OP but you will be so much better off in the long run.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 11:16:04

Thank you all. This is exactly what I need. Advice, kind words and support...

Fair I don't want to live like this. Always wondering if he's crossing boundaries again. And yes, in the long run, DD and I will be better off.
And yes, it's not just men that cheat. Sad that he doesn't think enough of me to be mine and mine alone.

Right now, for me, it doesn't matter how physical it got with any of them, it just wasn't right to be having these relationships / friendships secretly whilst harping on and on about how sad he was that I wouldn't marry him yet...

LEM was just reading back and I said exactly the same to my DM this morning - let him go stay with one of his women!!! Let them have his farting and messiness!

Viv the trust is well and truly gone. Then 'frienemy' thing took care of that and nailed it for me. Eugh.

I've just taken my engagement ring off. sad

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 11:25:16

I have a good friend going through a divorce right now (so a bit different) but it's really hard to get them out of the house in the absence of violence. But do see a solicitor ASAP. Good luck. Thinking of you. cake

NumptyNameChange Sat 11-Jan-14 11:25:25

just in case no one has said: he is not a good dad as you claim he is.

would you feel like a good mother if you had been messing round with her father's friend, messing about with men knowing it could mean the absolute destruction of your daughter's 'family' and home life? i doubt you would.

he has gambled her happiness and security and getting to live with her on a daily basis for what?

that's not being a parent let alone a good one.

PurplePest Sat 11-Jan-14 12:03:33

Crowler thank you again. I'm so glad I posted. This is helping me hugely...

Numpty I love your name!!!
I can't disagree with you one bit...when you put it that way especially. I guess I'm trying to hold on to something good. But you're right. Why would you risk all this for some frivolous fun?

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