Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Passive aggressive?

(58 Posts)
lovemenot Thu 09-Jan-14 18:14:03

Marriage is over.

Last time I tried to have this conversation with him, I was told I was a selfish bitch for ruining dd's life just to get what I want. (I get called a fucking bitch every argument, it's never his fault, only mine etc etc).

I tried again today:

Me to him...

Me: We need to talk soon, let me know when it suits you.
Him: Talk at me, you mean.
Me: WE need to talk, to sort out how to deal with all this.
Him: Well you have your plan so go ahead. (slightly threatening tone)
Me: Fine. I'll email you. Whether you engage or not is up to you.

End of conversation. Grrrrrrrr!

newlifeforme Wed 19-Mar-14 14:01:43

Oh I really feel for you.I'm in a similar position, married to a PA who is a 'victim' and blames me.You don't have to accept his offer, you want the marriage to end and his behaviour is highlighting how unreasonable he is.

You solicitor will be able to help you so stay strong and trust you will get free.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Mar-14 13:30:20

Of course you're not.
Have a chat with your solicitor and see what your next move could be.
It must be hell living like that.
I really hope you can something out soon.

lovemenot Wed 19-Mar-14 13:18:27

Yep, I reckon he is stalling alright. Will talk to my solicitor this afternoon.

I know money is tight, but the house is not in negative equity. He is refusing to consider selling the house. Instead, he wants me to continue to live my life here for the next 3+ years despite the fact that he has not spoken one word to me for months. Maybe he thinks he is being magnanimous in "allowing" me to live here. He is not offering to fight for our marriage, or for me. In fact, he will subject dd to this highly dysfunctional relationship (while still saying that her needs are paramount), just so's he doesn't have to sell the house.

Oh god, my head hurts. I cannot relate to how he thinks, I cannot accept this offer of a "courteous working relationship"'s bullshit, isn't it? Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable to reject this "offer".

DustBunnyFarmer Wed 19-Mar-14 12:54:40

Hmmm. Any chance he's planning on stalling til DD turns 18 so you have less chance of staying in the house?

Handywoman Tue 18-Mar-14 22:40:51


What does your solicitor say?

lovemenot Tue 18-Mar-14 22:32:57

Just thought I'd update this thread.

A few weeks after I last posted I moved back into the main bedroom and told him I would not be sharing the ensuite. So now, he lives downstairs and just sleeps in the box room, and I spend most of my time in my bedroom when I'm at home.

I sent a letter from my solicitor outlining various proposals to end this marriage....options to sell house, or he moves out till dd is finished her education etc.

His reply arrived at my solicitors today and he has rejected all my proposals, says he has no money, and "proposes that the parties reconstitute a courteous working relationship and continue to share the home" and he is "quite happy to enter into discussions with a view to achieving this objective in an amicable manner".


Allergictoironing Sat 25-Jan-14 23:07:44

If he genuinely thinks you are thick, that could actually be to your advantage now as he will underestimate you wink.

Make sure you keep all those emails he sends you, any texts, and keep a diary of all the bullshit he tries to give you. All just more proof that he is financially abusive as well as emotionally abusive.

lovemenot Sat 25-Jan-14 21:50:32

Yep, both his companies are limited companies. So it's bullshit. But then, you must remember that he thinks I'm stupid!

I remember last year watching the results of the US elections, a process which is quite complicated for everyone, not just me the stupid person. I've a reasonably good grasp on the process but I did ask a question on one aspect of it.....his reply "oh if "insert name" was here I'd be able to get into a deep discussion about it, but seeing as he is not and you are........"insert some version of a patronizing explanation"!!

Allergictoironing Sat 25-Jan-14 21:33:41

Heh if he is at all savvy (and with a business degree he should be) then his business should be a limited company. Which means that the house won't be a business asset so he can't use YOUR share of any proceeds to pay off any businesses debts.

Don't engage with him on this subject, but do discuss with your solicitor when he/she gets back next week. And stick in the back of your mind that either a) he's lying to try to manipulate you, and as you're onto his game you can laugh at him behind his back or b) he is bloody stupid not to secure his personal assets from the company, so again you can laugh at him behind his back.

Oh and if there's no equity in the house, how can it pay off these business debts?

lovemenot Sat 25-Jan-14 21:02:42

LOL...I just get emails telling me it's all my fault, my issue or my game. And telling me there is no equity in the house, that if it is sold it will just cover all the (his business) debts.

Handywoman Sat 25-Jan-14 21:00:54

He takes passive aggressive to a new level! Hang on in there. Hope your solicitor is useful.

TheSparklyPussycat Sat 25-Jan-14 20:59:04

Still reminded of my own FW Ex. His idea of 'discussing the future' was to leave a piece of paper with the house value and savings value on, then totalled and divided by 2.

The house value was wildly overoptimistic (we had to have a Matrimonial Home valuation eventually). Our discussions would not have progressed had I not involved solicitor and filed for divorce.

lovemenot Sat 25-Jan-14 20:49:22

Not much of an update! He came back from Germany on Thursday and has not uttered one word to me since he got home.

I stayed in the spare room, tg for Netflix!

Solicitor away all week, so am hoping for a reply to my email on Monday.

lovemenot Wed 22-Jan-14 18:25:23

What's ridiculous is the fact that he refuses to engage in discussing the future. Even if he doesn't want this marriage to end, he is doing nothing to save it. Offering me the main bedroom is useless if he is doing it to show me he cares (although I suspect he's only doing it to make himself feel better). He needs to talk.

Actually, the boxroom is quite cosy :-)

rollonthesummer Wed 22-Jan-14 15:44:52

You living in the box room is no more ridiculous than him living in it though?!

SwimmingClose Wed 22-Jan-14 15:30:25

Get legal advice, lots of it, at least a second opinion.

Calling you a "fucking bitch" in arguments is extremely nasty, unacceptable.

You are probably still "enmeshed" (you are living together in the same house) but I think you need to be careful, and find as many legal (and safe) ways out of this living arrangement as possible.

Legal advice. Legal advice. Legal advice. Take the bull by the horn. Protect yourself. Protect your child. Maybe ring Womens Aid too, you will probably need emotional support too.

sunev Wed 22-Jan-14 09:38:49

wall = wallow

sunev Wed 22-Jan-14 09:37:49

Don't give in re. the bedroom/bathroom. He will wall in how noble and hard doneby he is whildt painting you (either in his head or to other people) as selfish and grabby. (My opinion, happy to be told I'm wrong!)

BlueJumper Wed 22-Jan-14 09:20:14

When my ex says things that really wind me up, I just think... 'and that's why I'm glad it's over'. I find that really helps me feel calm about things that aren't worth getting stressed about. It also helps me care less about what he thinks.

ScottishPies Wed 22-Jan-14 09:12:25

Ignore his judgemental comments. He has no right to make them. Do not acknowledge them in anyway. He is manipulating you into thinking he cares and wants the best for you when all he wants is the best for Himself.

He had no right to make any judgements on your actions.

He is the one who is stupid and thick if he thinks he can call the shots.

lovemenot Wed 22-Jan-14 08:59:08

There is a main bathroom as well as the ensuite. Am not going to share the ensuite. Dd is happy to share the main bathroom with him.

Think I might stay where I am. (Even though I miss my tv in the main bedroom).

It just feels like he is trying to control again, to make himself feel better. His phrases "while I don't in any way approve of your behaviour" and "you living in the box room is ridiculous" makes me feel judged and stupid again.

oldgrandmama Wed 22-Jan-14 08:49:08

No, DON'T agree to going back into the main bedroom and letting him use the en-suite. You've got to show you're standing firm about all this - and agreeing to move bedroom is sort of 'giving in' to one of his demands, even though the main bedroom is nicer. Stick to your guns (and the boxroom!) He's got to get it into his nasty head that you have changed, you're not going to be pushed around by him. I'm glad you've now involved a solicitor - makes you feel less alone and solicitors have seen/heard it all before.

I could write a book about strategies used by 'D'Hs when they realise their long-suffering wives have had enough and are going for divorce. Stay strong!

rollonthesummer Wed 22-Jan-14 08:10:21

God-no way agree to this; he can barge into your en suite and wake you up when you're in bed/getting dressed/just dozed off etc -total control.

How many bathrooms are there?

ScottishPies Wed 22-Jan-14 08:02:07

Do you have just one dc?

Is there a seperate loo which she could use - so just uses the ensuire to shower?

During any seperation there is going to be a lot of upheavel and it may seem like you are having to make a lot of compromises while he makes none/ few. Try to think of the compromises as short term pain for long term gain. Sharing a bathroom with your daughter is much much much better then giving your shitty H access to your private space. He has agreed you can have the bedroom give him the main bathroom.

ScottishPies Wed 22-Jan-14 07:54:46

No no no to the use of the ensuite. He would have access to your space and then it would no longer be yours.

Don't debate or explain this with/ to him. Remember he no longer has the right to question your choices and you no longer have to justify your decisions to him. Could you give him sole use of the main bathroom when he is in the so you and the dc use the ensuite?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now