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Abusive alcoholic mother in hospital - I am her servant. Please help.

(112 Posts)
AdmiralData Tue 07-Jan-14 21:15:39

First of all I am sorry for posting about her again, a previous thread had helpful suggestions that I appreciate.
The situation has changed. I am 25 and Ive got a 10 month old son and a DH. My abusive alcoholic mother is in hospital on the mental health ward. She is even now demanding that I go down and deliver her 'groceries' and wants me to magically make clean clothes appear. The last 18 months she has broken up her marriage and my DF has cancelled the mortgage so she is now effectively homeless. She has spent thousands of pounds on alcoholic and speed and has not bothered to buy clothes.
I have to organise her employment and support allowance as well.
My siblings have disowned her. I don't drive and she has just played fuck on the phone because the new clothes I bought have been worn and she doesn't have more coming to her when all the other patients have DAILY visitors and clothes etc.
My DH works all week except wed and thurs, I am only visiting tomorrow because I don't want to spend my family time running around after her. I have no support in caring for her and I don't want to anymore but worry what will happen if I cut off all contact while she is in hospital, even though she treats me like scum. I am not wording this well at all but I am at my wits end. I have a severe anxiety disorder caused by what was apparently a traumatic childhood and my hair has fallen out as a result.
This weekend I have to help my dad move all the stuff from the marital home into his new house too, if my mother finds out the house is gone this week she will go batshit. If she turns up on my doorstep I have to turn her away, I can't have her toxicity around my son and husband.
I sound very 'poor me' but I am literally at my wits end. If anybody has any sage advice (again) I'd appreciate it.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 07-Jan-14 21:19:37

Don't go. You are NOT in a postion to support her. You don't WANT to support her - so don't go. Hopefully she will get help. It might be the wake up that she needs to do something.

MrsArthurWellesley Tue 07-Jan-14 21:20:08

You don't sound poor me at all. Why do you feel you need or want to stay in contact? I realise she is ill with her addictions but she is receiving expert help for that and you don't need to pander to her.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 07-Jan-14 21:20:58

My dsis ended up doing this for my dad. Took him clothes etc. He didn't appreciate it at all.

NorksAreMessy Tue 07-Jan-14 21:22:00

No sage advice but a sincere "BLOODY HELL" that is a load of crap you are having to deal with. sad
Keep talking, we are on your side and will help if we can

AdmiralData Tue 07-Jan-14 21:24:08

Would anyone mind if I explained just some of the things she has done? It seems like the only possible way to justify my need to stay the hell away from her.

LaTrucha Tue 07-Jan-14 21:25:00

I do feel for you. It's a very difficult situation that you are in. If you have chosen to help her, be clear to yourself that it is a choice. Your siblings are not doing what you are doing so it is possible not to. you could decide to do that to, or continues what you are doing, any time, now, tomorrow or in the future.

You are doing the right thing in protecting those people who really deserve you, your husband and son. Please cntinue to do so. if she turned up on your doorstep, I personally would turn her away. You can't have your son witnessing her behaviour.

I don't have a magic answer. You sound like a lovely, caring person.

PeanutPatty Tue 07-Jan-14 21:29:12

You don't sound "woe is me" at all.

PeanutPatty Tue 07-Jan-14 21:30:18

All I would say is that continuing contact is going to be difficult and stressful but I do understand the sense of guilt that cutting her off would bring.

sillywoman Tue 07-Jan-14 21:31:42

Explain away Admiral, sometimes just listing stuff down can help give you a clearer view of what your path forward should be.

FWIW I think you should back right off from your toxic Mum. YOur first and main priority is YOUR health. You have a family of your own that you need to be healthy and well for. You won't be letting your Mum down by protecting yourself and your family.

Be kind to yourself OP.

AdmiralData Tue 07-Jan-14 21:39:48

Starting from a young age she beat me. Swore at me. Didn't take care of me physically (No clean clothes, shoes, underwear etc). When I was a teenager (14) she sent me to school via the train with enough money for either trainfare or food, not both, as she had to buy alcohol. She would go out on weekends and take speed, when she came home she would crash and just stay in bed. The house was disgusting. Except when she was on a high, she'd rip off wallpaper, pull upcarpets and not replace anything. I was sent to collect her giro (benefits) and she sent me to shops with notes to be served cigarettes aged 7. That lot is nothing to the violent outbursts that she has had almost every day for 20 years. I have been to blame for everything wrong in her life. At 17 I hid under my bed because she was drunk and running through the house screaming. She fell behind in rent payments and I got a job in a takeaway at 16 and paid them off. She now tells me that she has been a great mum for not taking any of my pay off me for board and lodge when I was working (MY wages went on her debts and my food).
The day before my son was born was mothers day and she went ballistic because she thought my MIL had a nicer card.
At one point 4 years ago I told her I was leaving, just going with the clothes on my back, she told me she was dying of cancer. I believed her. Two years later it turned out she lied. There have been times in my life when the house I lived in has been cold, dark and devoid of food. I know people have had a much much much harder time than me, I thank God for the life I have now, I wouldn't mind forgiving her if she would stop acting like a Saint. I was raped when I was 18, by my boyfriend, I told her a few years later and she said "Well I liked him anyway, how do I know what sort of relationship you have?". I tried to overdose once because of her, after that failed attempt I decided she would never again wield that power over me.
There is more, alot more, but I am too tired of going through it in my head. Thanks for listening.

NorksAreMessy Tue 07-Jan-14 21:50:56

Oh, sweetheart sad this is truly dreadful you poor love.
How can we help you?
Do you need strength?
An ear?
Permission NOT to be her servant (permission granted)

We are here to help you

morethanpotatoprints Tue 07-Jan-14 21:51:01


OP, I am so sorry, nobody should have to go through this.
My dh had a very abusive childhood, he is nowhere near as strong as you.
I don't know how you have coped tbh, its miraculous that you are functioning well at all.
You have a lovely family, dh and a son of your own and I bet you are a fantastic wife and mum.
You need to cut all ties just as other family members have, you can't save her love.

OctaviusAce Tue 07-Jan-14 21:56:38

It's a tribute to your strength of character, that you came through all that shit OP.

My mum was an alcoholic for 30 years, and I can empathise with some of what you say (particularly growing up in a filthy house sad). It sounds like you had a much, much, tougher time than I did though.

I would back off from her completely, and explain why in great detail before doing so... Easy for me to say that though I know.

Your responsibility is now to your new family. You've gone way beyond the call of duty... Way beyond what many people would be able to do, to help your mum.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 07-Jan-14 22:00:51

I was going to say that you need to needed to justify nothing.

Hissy Tue 07-Jan-14 22:02:58

Another one here holding your hand, hoping that you'll cut the ties.

You don't need to do this.

Let SS pick it up from here. You've done more than enough.

AdmiralData Tue 07-Jan-14 22:07:33

Thank you all very much for taking the time to read that bloody essay. I think I'll be alright to be honest, it's just cutting this tie isn't it? Reading back what I wrote does make me think 'Admiral - ARE YOU FUCKING REAL?'. I think normal people would have left her by now. Octavius, as a fellow surviving child of an alcoholic parent I would never, ever compare our situations, I can sympathise with you and imagine how awful it must have been for you though smile I do owe my new family, my son won't ever know about this stuff.

mithofala Tue 07-Jan-14 22:08:10

Your mum has screwed up her life, don´t let her do the same to yours.

She will never change. You are an adult now and she will continue to hurt you if you let her. You have your own family now and they, not her are your responsibility. Go nc and get an answering machine, let her rant at that and then see if you can get a some sort of restraining order.

You owe her nothing. You kept a roof over her head for long enough. Let the hospital know that you are no longer her next of kin and get SS involved.

Your happiness will come from your husband and child(ren). Look forward and not back. You deserve to be happy.

whitsernam Tue 07-Jan-14 22:09:10

SS all the way. You do not need to do this. I am amazed you are so articulate and strong, married, etc. You are truly strong!! Protect yourself, and protect your family. Not her. Let her be angry.... it's not your fault. It's hers.

roastchesnutlatte Tue 07-Jan-14 22:10:18

We only get one life, she has done everything she could to fuck yours up so far. You owe her nothing and your life would be immeasurably better without her. Think about your new chance at happiness with your DH and lo and go forwards from this point, stop letting her drag you down.
I know it's not that easy but really why waste your life on her.
You sound lovely and deserve better than this.

BiscuitMillionaire Tue 07-Jan-14 22:11:01

She has destroyed her own life - please don't let her destroy your happiness. For the sake of your son, your DH and most importantly YOU, you have to distance yourself, say no to her. Of course like any child you wanted her love and approval. But I don't think she is ever going to be capable of giving it to you.

"I decided she would never again wield that power over me. " Yes, you're already on the path to a better life for you and your new family.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 07-Jan-14 22:13:44

Read up about Fear, Obligation and Guilt - it sounds like you've got them in bucket loads.
And no, you would not be unreasonable to stay away and detach from it all.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 07-Jan-14 22:15:37

SS all the way. I would maybe offer an olive branch WHEN she is in recovery. She is NOT your responsibility.

Optimist1 Tue 07-Jan-14 22:21:58

How very strong you have been, Admiral. You've gone over and above what any daughter could reasonably have been expected to do for her mother. Use that strength to concentrate on your husband and son. Your mother doesn't deserve any more from you, and at least she's in a location where she will be looked after. Take the chance to make your bid for freedom.

On a practical note, I'm assuming that the hospital have your contact details as her next of kin, in which case at some stage in the future they're likely to want to talk to you about the care that will be available when she's discharged. Do not give them any indication that you are willing or able to assist in this! They're likely to be very persuasive, but stick to your guns - others have claim on your care now.

I wish you a much happier future than the past you've endured till now.

AdmiralData Tue 07-Jan-14 22:22:00

As of tomorrow I will inform the hospital and social services of her state. I am then going nc until she sees that there must be a bloody reason everyone has turned away from her. My DH has just returned from work, I've told him what I intend to do and he has breathed a hefty sigh of relief. If I ever come back and start a new thread about my mother and her abuse ... argh, I won't let it happen. Thanks all. <3

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