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Post-baby sex.

(60 Posts)
Justnotmyself Tue 07-Jan-14 19:24:14

NC for this as I don't really want to link it to my usual posting name.

I had my second baby 7 weeks ago by cs. I put on most of the weight I'd lost prior to the pregnancy, and I'm now about 30-35lbs heavier than at the start, I also have the jelly belly and overhang that often comes with the postnatal period and a cs. I'm bfing, and DC2 is still feeding whenever, could be every 15 minutes or up to 3 hours.

I've been with DH for 13 years and we've always had a brilliant relationship, I fancy him as much now as I ever have and he says likewise, I have no reason to doubt this.

Things aren't great ATM as I just don't want as much sex as he does, or as I would normally. My body's a mess, I don't feel like it's really mine as I'm bfing so much, my pelvic floor wasn't great to begin with but it certainly didn't appreciate another pregnancy, and on top of having had an average of 4 hours sleep a night in 45-minute chunks for almost 2 months, I'm chasing an active toddler all day. I can't relax for 'spontaneous' DTD as I usually would, and DH is being really huffy about it. I want to be able to relax, not worry about my belly flopping about, I want to be able to wash before DTD as otherwise I'm paranoid I smell, I want to know that at least the toddler is asleep, I want to be able to hear the baby, and I want to know DH isn't going to huff and strop if we're interrupted by the baby.

I explained all this again to DH a couple of days ago after bursting into tears when he wouldn't stop pestering (that's how it felt) me in the kitchen. We then DTD later that day in bed, with toddler at his grandma's and baby asleep, very relaxed and I had the duvet for protection. DH said he wanted me to be comfortable, thinks I'm gorgeous, etc. I don't doubt him, but I still feel my body isn't mine and I look like shit. Guess what? He's just started pestering me again in the living room and gone off in a huff when I firmly told him no.

He knows this is a temporary state of affairs, I want to get back to how we were as much as he does, but it's going to take a little while. I don't know what I want from this thread, I guess I'm just offloading, but am I really being so unreasonable and horrible? I really don't feel like me right now.

Fairylea Tue 07-Jan-14 19:28:01

7 weeks on and he's being like this?! Sorry but I'd be angry with him. He's behaving very poorly I think.

How much is he helping with the baby and toddler? You must be exhausted and he doesn't sound so exhausted so something is askew there....

Cbeebijeebies Tue 07-Jan-14 19:28:46

He could do with not huffing about it. If he wants to DTD that much then he's going the wrong way about it! (Though i'm sure you know that).

You only had your baby 7 weeks ago. It's not that surprising really is it? Is it worth saying that if he really wants you to feel comfortable then he has to stop adding pressure, as it's putting you off even more than the other factors.

Cbeebijeebies Tue 07-Jan-14 19:30:18

^agree that he should also be pulling his weight in other ways. And you're the one who's body has been through the mill recently so he should show a bit of respect really to be honest.

Casmama Tue 07-Jan-14 19:30:34

Tell him to grow up or fuck off- your body had been and is going through a great deal and him acting like an entitled petulant child must be a complete turn off.

My dh waited 5 1/2 months after my DS was born due to birth injury and general tiredness etc and never complained once.

I'm really angry on your behalf- your dh needs to get a grip- preferably of himself and leave you alone.

anatouskia Tue 07-Jan-14 19:35:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justnotmyself Tue 07-Jan-14 19:47:04

He does pull his weight when not at work, but sleeps all night unless the toddler wakes up. Thanks so much, he's sitting looking like a kicked puppy and much as I love him, unless the circumstances are right I really just want him to leave me the fuck alone. I can't even go for a cuddle as I know he'll think it means I want sex and then I have to be the bad guy pushing him off again. It's good to know at least others think I'm not being mean even if he's being an arse about it. I find it such a turn off.

TheGinLushMinion Tue 07-Jan-14 20:54:18

7 weeks??? He's like this 7 weeks after you have given birth? I'm sorry but that is appalling IMHO & yes, a complete turn off.

Even if he pulls his weight a bit more it still doesn't take away from the fact you are bf & still recovering from a very recent pregnancy & birth-tell him to back off & wait or fuck off permanently, I'd say it should be fairly easy for a grown man to grasp that the current situation isn't forever hmm

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jan-14 21:00:55

So many sex pests on MN

These mantoddlers are pathetic, tbh

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 07-Jan-14 21:02:25

7 weeks shock You've had major abdominal surgery and are awake all hours feeding a newborn! As PPs have said, it's not exactly rocket science is it? He needs to get a grip and stop acting like a petulant child, I mean that's only going to be an even bigger turn-off, right?

Haggisfish Tue 07-Jan-14 21:52:04

Yes, we waited about 7 months!! Bf can give you vaginal dryness as well, making it hugely uncomfortable - it did for me, anyway. 7 weeks is nothing and I would actually have killed my OH if he had been like this.

mrsspagbol Tue 07-Jan-14 22:03:48

Your dh is being a dickhead sorry.

I had a cs and am still ebf. By 7 weeks we had drd but i never got pestered, he waited till
I was ready and i initiated.

5 months on and i still shattered, and i dont have a toddler to look after.

As stated above he needs to grow up.

A c section is major abdominal surgery and bfeeding is fucking knackering. And men who sulk for sex are completely unattractive. Tell him this.

tiamariaxxx Tue 07-Jan-14 22:24:36

Ok firstly dont beet yourself up about your body you gave birth less than 2 months ago, im sure your OH doesnt care about your wobbly bits youve been together years im sure he loves you for you smile

I think he needs to stop pestering you think you should have another stern word with him and remind him what your body has and is still going through.

I seriously think men would be a lot more understanding if it was them who was going through it my god im sure half of them would still be laid up .

What about just lots of cuddles and other forms of intamacy?

I remember after my first i didnt have proper sex for 12 weeks as i was bleeding for ages after and my stitches didnt heal right we tried a few times ftom 7 weeks onwards and it just hurt too much dont know if it was phsycological or what but i started getting hung up on it, i knew my OH was getting frustrated so just kept giving him as much pleasure as i could other ways, and he would give me oral and i was fine with him doing that and touching me (tmi i know) was just penitration that was the problem...

Think all you can do is be as open as you can with him and make him realise the world doesnt revolve around him or sexsmile

Mrswellyboot Tue 07-Jan-14 22:29:21

Oh my goodness, you are doing so well, you don't need this at all. I had an emcs 16 weeks ago, things normal now but in no way did I feel pressure. Dh would bring up tea and toast and give me hugs and expect nothing.

I thought that was normal sad for you.

Justnotmyself Tue 07-Jan-14 23:51:49

I'd love to be able to cuddle up with him on the sofa, but I know he'd interpret that as wanting sex.

TalkativeJim Tue 07-Jan-14 23:55:02

7 WEEKS?!

And you had a CS?

He's a twat. Really, a complete twat.

msdiamant Wed 08-Jan-14 00:04:59

You need to tell him that it is not only the surgery but also lack of sleep, breastfeeding and hormonal changes which affect libido and the whole body. It is just natural. Find some articles on the internet and give him to read them. May be then he will understand that women after birth need support and help and sexual pesturing makes him unattractive. He behaves like a teenager really.

msdiamant Wed 08-Jan-14 00:09:03

Is there anything that you could cook to lower his libido temporarily? He-he. "Which food decreases libido?" Pity men do not breastfeed or give birth.

JingleJemJem Wed 08-Jan-14 00:12:27

That is so sad that you don't feel able to cuddle him without it being taken as a signal. He's being very selfish and unfair. 7 weeks is really no time at all after having a baby and especially with lack of sleep and the hormones involved in breastfeeding. He shouldn't be pressuring you like this.

AnotherStitchInTime Wed 08-Jan-14 00:29:57

7 weeks! He is lucky you attempted it at all. You have had major abdominal surgery. He is being a twat.

My DH will have waited a minimum of 5 months by the time I am recovered from my recent third c section, due to pre birth sex ban from 20 week scan. He wouldn't dream of pressurising me into sex if I didn't want it.

AnyFucker Wed 08-Jan-14 00:40:45

is there anything to cook to lower his libido ?

I recommend arsenic

HTH

My husband and i didn't have penetrative sex for about a year with each of my pg's

not once did he quibble, moan, sulk or make me feel guilty

Mummypig83 Wed 08-Jan-14 13:02:20

We have a similar story.... Although my youngest is 4 months. I have no suggestions but it's helping reading the replies to your original post smile I feel so low every day... I don't think a day passes without a 'comment' or 'huff' regarding sex or lack of, and at one point my husband had even used my phone to google 'why wife won't have sex', leaving it for me to find out of the blue one morning. It's not that I won't... It's that I don't need sex right now, I need a cuddle or comfort or security, I too need both kids asleep to relax, and feel when this happens on a rare occasion, after struggling alone to get both to sleep at the same time... It doesn't exactly put me in the mood. I'm breastfeeding 2 hourly during the day and 3 hourly at night, I'm pretty sure there's something hormonal going on inside of me that is preventing me from even thinking about sex, I will have sex with my husband. I know it's important to him and to our relationship but last week, the following morning after having sex I ask to use the bathroom as LO has pooped all up her back and needs a clean, he's in the bathroom, been in there over an hour already and is sat on the toilet with his laptop having a wank!! We have some kind of sex, maybe not intercourse, once a week, I write it in a diary for argument purposes in case I'm accused of not having sex for months... Sad, but it feels necessary for my own mental state! Last night he was making comments about a post on Facebook regarding Gina Ford... A friend of mine who's also GF to his friend had liked a post slating Gina for suggesting women grin and bear sex after childbirth for the mans same... I said I had actually read some of her books and didn't feel able to follow what she said as it was too prescriptive and upset me trying to achieve the I achievable... I acknowledged it works for some and is popular... He made so be really cutting comments and said it didn't surprise him that this girl had liked he post as his friend had told him they were having sex issues... She has two kids exactly same ages as ours... It upsets me that he can't see it's not forever and still thinks I'm just being a bitch even if his friends are telling him the same thing!! It would be nice to even talk to my friend who I didn't even know was having problems... With kids running around when we try to talk it means we never scrape below the surface of 'can't believe how much they've grown'. I know for certain if I tell hubby that I cry every day about how I feel, or how he's making me feel, he will make sure I know how it's not normal... Maybe I should sext him...'I want sex but not right now, can we just cuddle without you huffing and making a cutting remark and me spending the whole of the next day crying with our toddler telling me to cheer up?' I don't even mind the porn thing, it's understandable but now I'm starting to get paranoid... If he can't go for 12 hours after eagerly awaited (porn reenactment!) sex without wanking he must be thing about cheating... And which one of his role model mother employees is he getting his ideas from, the one that goes back to work 6 weeks after giving birth, feels children are great but not worth putting before yourself or career... I'm sure she just spends her life lying naked on her couch having sex while her baby is off chewing electrical wires and stuffing peanuts up her nose or being cared for an au pair 24/7.... In my husbands head! On Xmas day my sister in law stated she will have a nanny for her children when she has them, my husband eagerly interjects with 'yeah, we should get an au pair, then we can just fuck the nannys', I cannot begin to tell you how reassured I felt to hear that.... All I can think is 'thank you for the sperm, I have two wonderful daughters and if I spend much more of my life this upset they are the only two things we will have left together'

Sorry for hijacking your post and I hope we get our partners to understand the bigger picture and start playing the long game.... X

Canalside Wed 08-Jan-14 13:22:06

7 weeks? Good grief, he needs to man up and stop being a sulky teenager.
We hadn't dtd by 7 weeks, it may have been about 7 months, I can't remember! And our sex life is pretty non-existent now because we're both knackered. But he wouldn't dream of pressuring me and is happy with cuddles etc. As am I, actually, at the moment.
To Justnotmyself and Mummypig83 I'm so sorry your husbands are behaving in this way. I don't know what to suggest but I can imagine it makes you doubt your whole relationship. I can't imagine how men think that things are just going to go straight back to normal after such an experience as pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention ongoing sleep deprivation, exhaustion, +/- breastfeeding.

AnyFucker Wed 08-Jan-14 13:35:49

Mummypig, your husband is a cunt. I am sorry.

Mummypig83 Wed 08-Jan-14 14:03:40

AnyFucker.... Thankyou, I just she'd a tear of laughter for a change ;)

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