should I call him?

[desperateforaholiday]

Had lots of problems with my dh over the years, mainly due to alcohol on his part, he doesn't really drink anymore.

He is a miserable person by nature, he doesn't really do anything as a family with us and when he does is quite grumpy.
He's ruined family occasions and works nights out, I was talking to him the other day about an up coming family wedding and he said that he can't just be happy and if he doesn't like something he'll just walk out. This has played on my mind and ive come to the realisation that we just arnt able to be a 'normal' family.

I asked him take ds to the hairdressers yesterday, he said no, so I said I'd take him. Anyway he got all huffy and ended up taking him.

I find it really hard to let things go and we usually end up not speaking then having a row before it gets sorted out, which is what has happened. He's gone out, I don't know where or when he'll be back.

Sorry its a bit rambling, I don't know whether to call him to smooth things over or if we should call it quits. He's a sahd, he is nc with all but 1 member of his family, he's said in previous arguments that he would take our children from me. I don't want to lose my children or end up with access only.

My mind is all over the place

[Mellowandfruitful]

No, don't call him.

I very much doubt any threat to 'take your children' is in any way credible. This is said quite often by bullying men trying to scare their partners.

[Mellowandfruitful]

You say he's a sahd - how old are the kids?

[desperateforaholiday]

They are 4 and 1, the only reason he is a sahd is because he won't work, he left his last job to become self employed, managed to get a contract and walked off it after 2 weeks, I work but I have had health problems and I get extremely tired, but I need to be able to provide for my kids.
Ive also got a dd from a previous relationship and she would be staying with me.

[Joysmum]

I think the key question here is whether you think he will change? If you don't think he will, is your marriage acceptable to you in its current form?

If he could change then there's hope.

If he can't change and you accept that then smooth it over.

If he can't change and you are not happy to be in a marriage with things as they stand then don't smooth it over and get the information you need and make plans to separate.

[solosolong]

Have you tried counselling (together), or has he? Sounds like he has some underlying problems which might be improved by counselling - and maybe together you could learn different ways to interact which might improve your life together.

[Lweji]

Does he actually take care of the children? How much work does he do at home?

[desperateforaholiday]

I don't know tbh, I don't think he'll change as he doesn't ever think he's in the wrong, part of me doesn't want things to end, I don't want to split our family up but then on the other hand I don't think I can spend the rest of my life living with his miserable attitude and not being able to go out as a couple/family.
I do think he has got problems, he was going to counseling sessions last year but stopped after a few, he's since said it was a waste of time

[desperateforaholiday]

He does 1 school run, I do the other, he does the washing and will do dishes.
He won't take our youngest to play groups or anywhere really, he will play with him in the mornings, I'm usually back from work between 1 and 2 so will take over then. Its me that takes them the park, play centres and to see my family. I do all the crafty and baking activities with them.

[Mellowandfruitful]

I think you need to get legal advice about this because on the face of it, saying he's a sahd makes it sound as if he does the majority of the care for them, whereas the situation as you describe it is quite different and even though you work you are doing at least half the time with them, plus that fact that you're doing almost all the actual parenting. Once that's acknowledged I think he would be in a much more shaky position in terms of these threats about 'taking' the kids.

If you don't want the life you have with him - and it doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight and trying to make it a good life for all of you - then I would say it's time to call bullshit on the threats and start work on making a new life without him.

[desperateforaholiday]

Thanks, he came back around midnight but I was already in bed, he slept on the settee last night, I'm just going into work now so we haven't spoken.
I'll wait and see what tonight brings.
I don't really want to confide to anyone in rl just yet as I know my family would be pushing for us to split and I'm not sure what to do for the best yet.

[bragmatic]

Goodness, he sounds like hard work. It must be pretty depressing to be staring down the barrel of 40 years' worth of being sole breadwinner, main caregiver and emotional punching bag. Are you sure you're up for it?

What on earth attracted you to him?

How does he treat his stepdaughter?

[desperateforaholiday]

He was different when we met, it was after our 1st child together that things started to go downhill, god knows why I went on to having a 2nd child with him.

That's just it bragmatic, usually I just put everything to the back of my mind and try to carry on but I don't know if I can do that anymore.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Interesting that your family would push for a split. Sounds like they don't like him at all. A man that thinks it's everyone else with a problem and not himself is not someone with whom you can negotiate or compromise. For counselling to have worked, he'd have had to acknowledge that he had faults. Whatever you decide to do next I think you have to work on the assumption that he simply isn't going to change.

[perfectstorm]

I really, really, really think you need legal advice. Because if he can present himself as primary carer, then your arguing otherwise might be seen as implausible.

Would he actually want sole charge of such tiny kids, though? They're bloody hard work and at the moment, it sounds like you're doing most of it.

[Allergictoironing]

You say he does 1 school run & does the washing & will do dishes. Is that ALL? Does he do cooking, cleaning, shopping, household maintenance, gardening (if you have one), sorting out school letters & outings etc? Very sketchy list as I have no DCs & am an absolute slob in the house myself, I'm sure others will be able to add to this!
Check that "playing" with the youngest isn't really plonking him down in front of the TV.

Start the list of what he does/doesn't do, the things he has absolutely no concept of and/or doesn't see the importance of. Take that with you when (not if) you seek legal advice.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think the OP will find it's irrelevant what list of chores he does or doesn't do. No court is going to award residency of such small children away from their mother unless there is some serious neglect in evidence. Beyond that you're looking at shared parenting.

[desperateforaholiday]

Thanks for replying everyone, I'm home now, he's cleaned up but things are very tense. He's gone upstairs as usual so I'm left to it.
I will be speaking to him later but can't see it making any difference tbh, I feel emotionless, is this normal? Usually I get upset and get things back to 'normal' but atm I'm just relieved he's gone out of the way.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Emotionless would be normal if you're mentally preparing yourself for a split. To get upset you need to care.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He is unhappy already so I am not sure he would even want to be primary carer if you split up, whatever he has threatened. You haven't been declared an unfit mother, you are the sole earner, nobody will stop you seeing your DCs on his say-so. How old are your DCs? 4 and 1 so as their mother you're not going to be powerless in the event you do separate.

Are you saying he kicked a drinking habit, is he sober? Or does he tend to binge every now and again and expect you to lump it? Does he find it socially difficult because other people drink or try and pressure him to join in? Maybe he has some kind of social anxiety. Packing in his counselling sounds like the worst thing he could have done.

he doesn't ever think he's in the wrong is a surefire way of pressuring you to STFU and carry on. Opting out of working and doing the minimum with the DCs whilst dragging himself around with a face like thunder isn't pulling his weight. Is he too proud to ask for help? Bad temper or apathy won't make your life any easier so if he's depressed suggest he consults a GP.

Btw OP if you are suffering from headaches, poor sleep or digestive problems what's the betting they are stress related?

He needs to sort himself out. The kindest thing you can do for him might be to say enough is enough. But first and foremost look after yourself.

[desperateforaholiday]

Every now and then he'll have a bottle of wine, he doesn't drink spirits anymore. Yes my health issues are stress related I think, I had a stroke a couple of years ago and a mini stroke last year, although the main stroke was thought to be caused by a c section.

He's gone out now, I don't know where, but he's sending me texts acting as though nothing is wrong, I feel like I'm going crazy.

[desperateforaholiday]

We'll I say a couple of years, it was just after the birth of my youngest, he'll be 2 in a few months