Ex turning up drunk to see ds

[RandomCitizen]

I really don't know how I should handle this so would appreciate some perspective.

I have a 10yo with a father he doesn't see very much - supposed to be about once a month but it fairly often gets changed or missed because ex has other plans etc.

Ds hasn't known him more than a few years as he left when he was a baby and we only got anything back on track about 3 years ago.

He is an alcoholic but will not admit it.

I have turned him away before when he came round very, very very drunk on ds's birthday - I realised after about 10 minutes and he was asked to leave about 20 minutes later when I was in despair at how rubbish he was. I did it calmly and no fuss was made but ds didn't want to see him again for about 6 months.

Anyway no major problems since as he promised it would not happen again - but he has called me a few times obviously pissed, and I've got off the phone asap, without saying why.

Christmas this year he didn't see ds as he had some building issues to cope with in the storm (and I suspect just wanted to get drunk)

Today was his regular slot and I got a text yesterday pm asking if he could come, giving me a get out clause of 'I understand if you are too busy' which we weren't. I gathered from that that he hoped I'd say we were too busy so he could have a night of it.

Well he had a night of it clearly - half an hour late this morning, which he blamed on about 5 different scenarios, and barely able to string a sentence together though he made a good effort and if I didn't know him I would only be slightly suspicious. But I do know him, and he was pissed - at half ten this morning.

How does someone get THAT pissed to still be slurring their words at this hour?
I didn't mention it - though I told ds when his dad was in the toilet. He was in the other room for most of it, and ex had no inclination to go out anywhere so I had to talk to him/listen to him for 90 minutes, while ds barely got a look in.

I did enjoy talking to him, he is affable and friendly and quite funny when he's a bit pissed. But I don't know if I should have told him, basically, to fuck off.

He was also driving which was fucking stupid of him but as he was on a single person vehicle, I decided he was more likely to fall in a ditch than kill anyone else,

and how on earth do you report someone when you have no proof they're drunk, and you've been having a jovial conversation with them for over an hour? How do you mention it at all?

He thought I didn't notice - obviously. But I did. I just don't know what I should have done iyswim.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

"how on earth do you report someone when you have no proof they're drunk"

by picking up the phone and calling the police. You don't need proof that he's drunk, that's for the police to determine.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Being excessively charitable for a second, there's no chance he has some neurological condition is there? I don't think kids should be forced to have a relationship with alcoholics, especially ones that don't notice the child is missing for 90 minutes. However, if you knew he was driving and you'd attempted to stop him you could (and should) give the police his reg number, location and say you suspect the driver has been drinking. He could get lucky and be sentenced to rehabilitation....

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Was he supposed to be driving your DS somewhere? That would be an absolute red line for me.

I think turning up very drunk to collect a child is unacceptable to be honest. I think you should have said something when he turned up rather than being affable with him.

[RandomCitizen]

Yes, I probably should have done that. I felt like, well I felt the way I have always felt around him - totally confused.

I have reported him before. He was caught a different time a few years later.

[RandomCitizen]

Sorry x posts.

Had he been coming to collect ds (I didn't know, before he arrived on the bike) I would have refused to let that happen, don't worry - driving a tin box heavy enough to maim or kill many other people is more serious imo than pootling along on a bike on your own at about 30 on empty roads. And he would not have been taking my child in the car, in that state.

[RandomCitizen]

Not trying to minimise the threat of drink driving in ANY circs btw.

I should have reported it.

[Tinkertaylor1]

I did enjoy talking to him, he is affable and friendly and quite funny when he's a bit pissed. But I don't know if I should have told him, basically, to fuck off.

Also he might fall in a ditch so the drivers swerving to avoid him cause a fatal accident.

Why didn't you tell him to fuck off? He didn't even come to see his son.

I would go NC till he is sober as this will only be messing with your sons head

[Tinkertaylor1]

I would have been fuming not sitting down to a nice friendly affable chat

[RandomCitizen]

He will probably never be sober.

If it was a party situation, or a pub even, and he was talking to me I would be perfectly at ease with him in this condition. (except for the driving).

He seems to think in a very old fashioned way - to him it's still the 1960s and there's no one else on the roads but a couple of horses and a morris minor. He is quite old.

It's the fact that he a) lied about why he was late, and tried to look like a good dad when actually he knew in advance he'd be coming here but decided to get pissed anyway and b) didn't seem to care about seeing ds or being sober for ds, as long as he had made an appearance.

And c) he put other people at risk. He has been doing that for years.

It seems like we either continue seeing him like this, and usually now he is NOT pissed - or we go NC permanently.

Would that be good for ds? Never to see his dad at all? Or better than only seeing him drunk?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If your DS spent all afternoon in a different room it doesn't sound like he was too bothered about seeing his Dad really. 10 is old enough to have a fairly open chat about it all. You can't make it his decision to go no contact exactly - that's too much responsibility for a child - but you could put it that he knows Dad has a problem and how would he feel if he didn't come around for a while?

[Indigoviolet3]

Sounds very much like my ex apart from the fact that I hate him and would not have him in the house even when sober! You're being too far nicer than I would be in the circumstances.

[doasyouwouldbedoneby]

Would that be good for ds? Never to see his dad at all? Or better than only seeing him drunk?
Do you honestly even have to ask the question. Surely you know the answer to that one

[RandomCitizen]

We did that a while ago Cog. He is pretty mature for a 10yo. I gave him the choice - it was to do with not getting on with his step mum, so his dad has been coming here instead.

But also about his dad not standing up for him very well.
Ds thought about it and decided not to see him on one occasion, then he wanted to again the next time, so we have continued.

I always give ds the choice. I explain as honestly as I can what is going on. But sometimes I kind of get baffled into submission by his dad, like today - I really enjoyed seeing him, despite knowing he was drunk and not being honest about it.

I am further on than I was when we were together but honestly I still love seeing him even when he is a bit pissed. I wish I didn't. And it should not be about me.

But the choice was have a nice amicable time of it OR make a huge fuss and so on. I took the easier avenue, but I may feel angry later. I am not sure what ds thought about it - he did seem a bit indifferent tbh.

[Nerfmother]

Let it die a death. Or get back together and guide him to rehab. You sound like you still have mixed feelings about him.
My ex h was a drunk and abusive when pissed. But a lovely affable chap when slightly pissed or merry. Got fed up in the end after trying to flower things going as contact always had to be supervised by me. Last straw he took her to a pub and sat drinking with a mate as she played a slot machines all afternoon.
I get the lovely company bit, the slightly chilled bit pissed company. But it's not going to work.

[Nerfmother]

Flower? Keep!
Forgot to add, we spilt up after one drunken attack too many. Different situation as I was terrified of him when drunk.

[RandomCitizen]

oh God how awful, yes, I can understand that.

Tbh I've known him 13 years and he has never, ever raised a hand to me or anyone he knows, ever - or before that even - he's got emotional issues yes, and he drinks, but he is completely passive in every way.

He is remarried now so I cannot get back with him and if I did he wouldn't stop drinking for me. He is married to someone I think is also an alcoholic.

He was lovely to ds when ds came in for a bit. He talked to him, utter bollocks but still, he was being kind and caring - as much as you can be when you're not quite sober.

Normally he either takes him out to the woods, or to town, or whatever - they get on well - but he wouldn't ever ignore ds totally or intentionally. It is so confusing and it makes me sad.

[Tinkertaylor1]

I can't get my head around you that you enjoy spending time with him, even if he is pissed when the real reason was he was actually their to see your ds not you.

Stop putting your feelings in front of ds.

[HedgehogsRevenge]

Bottom line, he is not being any sort of parent and is clearly a bad influence. You need to take a look at your lack of boundaries, the whole scenario must be very confusing for your son.

[RandomCitizen]

This is what I'm trying to do here...I need to examine my boundaries but I am totally unsure how to reset them.

I grew up around parents who never drank. I have never been drunk (maybe once). I don't have much of an understanding of the social side of alcohol and what crosses a line.

I'm also probably on the autistic spectrum somewhere. So please forgive my weirdness about this. I genuinely didn't know how to respond today - it seemed like a choice between 'take him as he is, laugh along, try and get something out of the conversation' (which was largely about some serious topics relating to ds, school etc and was kind of helpful) or 'say something, accuse him of being drunk, cause a confrontation, and a scene, and have him leave with bad feeling'.

Because he wasn't totally drunk, and we could still talk, I decided to go with option A.
Maybe that was wrong. Ds wouldn't have gained much either way.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Agree about your boundaries. That must be confusing for your son.

And I don't allow drink drivers (PIL) to drive the DC, even if they say they would never drink when driving with them. As I know drinking 2or 3 pints or glasses of wine counts as "not drinking".... And I just don't tryst them ( neither would I trust your XP).

I think by chatting amiably you are giving him the idea his behaviour is ok ( it is not! To kids drunk people are a bit frightening, even if they are "nice", it is alarming).

You should have challenged him, asked him to leave and come back when sober, IMO, otherwise it is not fair on your son!

He sounds a crap dad, your DS has probably figured that out long ago. No need to pretend things are nice and normal when they are not!

[Nerfmother]

It's very hard. You need to think about how ds will remember this. So don't let him look back and think you ever put him in danger (eg in a car/ vehicle/ situation where supervision is needed) or at risk of emotional abuse (drunken maudlin crap) but you could just be honest about it. Dad loves you, sadly he isn't so great at parenting as he can't stop drinking. What about not closing the door but not actively encouraging it. Can't make it? That's a shame, give us a ring when you can, do you want to speak to ds?

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

What would be bad about him having a " bad feeling."

You are an enabler.

And if drives drunk on his own, he will with your DS too

Maybe him feeling bad will make him reassess. You can challenge him in a non aggressive manner, no need to get angry or shouty, just say " i think it is probably better if you come sober next time" instead of making him believe that you did not even notice him being drunk ( who gains anything by that.,).

Good luck! It is hard when you still have affection for someone, and drunks can be charming and make one feel protective...I know. Just thinking of your boy here. He is worth more than that.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

He arrived pissed, on a motor vehicle, and because it was a quiet day and a solo vehicle you think that's OK?

Hmmmmm.

Ever seen a biker's head come off? Ever seen one rotating 20 feet off the ground, arms and legs snapping as he spins? Ever seen a foot wide crease in leathers across the chest that tells you the sternum has touched the spine?

I have.

Report him, and stop enabling.

[lookingfoxy]

DISGRACE the OP never said she thought drink driving was ok and she said she should have reported him.
I think we're aware of the graphic injuries that can occur in rta's.