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Maybe meeting ex soon. Advice?

(51 Posts)
Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 12:56:13

Hello, first time poster here so I hope I'm in the right place (apologies if not).

I shan't go into details and its very long and complicated, but the essence of my situation is I was with a man, I believe I was a rebound and we rushed things, it ended up being a very short relationship, he was in the wrong head space and so was I for different reasons, then after he ended things I have basically been slightly badgering him.
Not entirely all down to me; we would sleep together, he would beat himself up over it, it was a huge mess basically.

He recently said he wanted no contact at all, but we did speak on the phone not long afterwards and he said he has mixed feelings about me, doesn't feel we have a future but could be wrong. He then said he cannot work out why he still likes me after all the rubbish I have put him through (cannot go into details as some of it is ongoing re work) but if I leave him alone until something at work has completed (he may be fired, that's all i am willing to say), he will come and see me with "as much of an open mind as I can manage" even though he really doesn't want to.

Now. Aside from the fact there are huge red flags n the history, his choice of words and everything else, if he does get in touch (and there is a chance he won't, I know that, but he does have some jewellery of mine he says he will return to me when he comes over), I would like to give us a chance to just get on.

I'm not sure what I want and expect from him at this moment in time, but since the break up I had a habit of rehashing the past quite a lot which led to tension.

So IF he gets in touch and IF I decide to meet him, how should I handle the situation?

I feel like I have two options; 1 - apologise for my part in the crap that occurred post breakup, tell him I would like us to have a chance to get on as friends and maybe more in future, BUT if he can't handle that then I respect his decision (then disappear) or 2 - treat the meet up as almost like a first date with a new man; just keep it light, friendly, fun, not mention the old, dead relationship or anything new, and see how it goes.

What would you do?

Sorry for the triviality of this, there is an age gap between us but I'm old enough to feel quite embarrassed by this post and my situation!

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:34:04

No, have since left the place. Too embarrassing everyone knowing we were together.

I just think that if he gets in touch, he would be doing it because he was willing to meet up.

Otherwise after 6-10 weeks of not hearing from me (which is what it will be, once the investigation concludes) surely I'd have proven I'm not going to cause trouble for him?

But anyway I will take all advice and move on.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:35:17

I'm afraid I agree that you're really over-analysing this. I think that you should do absolutely nothing about getting in touch with this man. Move on.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:36:31

"She's proven she's not out to cause me any more trouble" is not really what people look for in a partner.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:42:01

True. Although I didn't quite mean it that way smile

I just meant if it gets to the end of the investigation and he does contact me, then surely it would mean he did want to see me?

fuzzywuzzy Sun 05-Jan-14 14:43:05

or it could mean he wants to give back your property and cut all ties so he won't have you stalking him on the pretext of recoverign your jewelery.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Sun 05-Jan-14 14:50:22

God this is like the 'janitor' thread all over again........

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:50:47

Also true. He has to drive past my house to get to work though, so in theory he cold post it through my door tomorrow.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:51:17

OP, then surely it would mean he did want to see me?

Or he may just be after no-strings-attached sex, or just friendship, or he may a bit bored one night or he may just want your address in order to return the jewellery.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:52:18

I don't think it's healthy dwelling on the drama or the reasons behind him possibly doing something he hasn't done yet.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:56:40

I'm not dwelling. Im expecting him not to get in touch.

But if he does, I wanted to know how I was going to handle it, so I'm not caught out just in case. Simple as that.

Just friendship is fine with me, the address; well as I said he can post it through my door one ,morning on the way to work if he so wishes.

But as I have said, I will take your advice to leave it. Thank you all.

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 14:59:22

I can see the sense in being prepared for him getting in touch and being just friends. I also think you should prepare (and expect) not to hear from him again.

CastroIsDead Sun 05-Jan-14 15:07:42

hotdog i was thinking the same. wasn't sure if we would be allowed to mention it

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Sun 05-Jan-14 15:11:18

castro just saying its similar, not saying it's the same OP wink

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:24:39

Loggie1 - that is exactly what I am doing. Am fully expecting my pendant to appear on my door step in the morning at some point over the next few weeks.

As I said, if he doesn't contact me, I won't be in touch with him. If nothing else, I want to keep a promise I have made at least once.

I have been leaning more towards thinking that its for the best not to meet him even if he wanted to, anyway. Maybe by the time this investigation concludes (which Isshouldn't think would be before the beginning of Feb anyway), I might be well off the idea of ever talking to him again.

I just want to, as I said' know the best way to handle conversation, if he does get in touch and I do decide to see him.

On the off chance ;)

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 15:26:49

How valuable is the pendant to you? Could you write it off? If you're anything like me, you'll be checking the doormat every time you pass, which can be habit-forming and stop you from focussing on the future.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:33:18

No, nothing too important, which is why I was confused as to why he even mentioned it as I didn't even realise had left it at his place. I must have been weeks ago I did that...

TheGinLushMinion Sun 05-Jan-14 16:20:14

I too think you sound quite stalkerish & because of this I doubt very much that you'll take advice to steer clear of this man-it is what you should do though & you know it.

EirikurNoromaour Sun 05-Jan-14 16:30:39

Is he a janitor?

Seriously, he's just not that I to you. Move on.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 16:54:00

Apologies I'm coming across as 'stalkerish'.

I don't see it that way but will take your advice anyway.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:00:30

Although I can't resist the temptation to ask; what if he DOES get in touch when he says he will?

Am I really just meant to ignore him?

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 17:05:16

Yes I thought that too hot, it's a similar situation.

OP I'd wait until he actually makes contact with you and asks to see you before trying to plan how it will be - there are two of you so you're being a tad presumptuous IMO.

Eponine2014 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:15:49

I know FloWhite. He's not usually one to break promises and he says he will phone asking when I want him to come over; which obviously means I won't have time to 'plan' the best response. And I'm not great when caught on the hop, tend to get a bit flustered and use a lot of "I don't know...".

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 17:34:14

No there's nothing about his promise which means you will be caught on the hop. In fact I think you'd come across better if you tell him you'll get back to him and let him know.

But. He hasn't phoned back yet. And if/when he does do the above and then you don't need to get flustered - and if you still get flustered then it's probably not the right relationship for you.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 05-Jan-14 17:48:32

I would just give it a miss and get over this. Things shouldn't be this difficult.

No offence, but you do come across as a bit all over the place and maybe vulnerable. Is he someone who shouldn't have been involved with you? eg he is a police officer and you are a victim?
He sounds like he has taken advantage of you when you are vulnerable if that is the case.

TheGinLushMinion Sun 05-Jan-14 17:54:36

No need to ignore just state clearly that you're not interested in any sort of relationship (this includes FWB situations) & request that he posts back what he has of yours & doesn't contact you again. It really is that simple.

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