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DH and e-mail from work colleague

(133 Posts)
Canthpfeelinglikethis Sun 05-Jan-14 02:28:26

Hi looking for others take on this.

Married 6 years together 20 years. Very happy with two DC. DH very outgoing, the type that gets on well with everyone, very well liked by everyone and a bit flirty by nature.

A couple of years ago he became friendly with a work colleague. I was not fully aware of their friendship at the time. He did speak about her a bit as she had broken up with her bf and was internet dating so he would tell me about this and I would ask how she was getting on etc etc. After a while I started to get a little bit wary of their relationship - not sure why just instinct I suppose. Then one evening I was on his emails (he was fully aware of this) looking for something and came across an email from her to him that didn't sit right with me. It was from her saying "where will we go for lunch sexy". His reply suggested "get something and have it in his office or go to the usual cafe". Then her reply "yes your office as have no money. We can lock the door of your office right!!!!" Then him - "cop on you tart" then followed by lunch arrangements. Now at the time I found the e-mail I was very hurt as I felt very betrayed that he would think that this was ok. I confronted him and he said absolutely nothing going on, just friends, office banter and that was just her personality and how she was with other people. I told him I thought this was completely inappropriate and was not how I thought a married man should act. I asked for full access to his e-mails, phone records etc which he gave me and I looked back over all their e-mails and other than this mail there was very little else. I do have a suspicion that he may have called her once on a night out when he was drunk but found no evidence of this. It didn't stop me from being very upset and I told him to tell her how I felt and to tell her to stop this "banter" with him. He said he never viewed it the way I did but he could see how it looks to me. He did (after he spoke to her) suggest I meet her but I didn't want this as my take is that she owed me nothing and it was him that I was in a relationship with. After a lot of tears and talking I was satisfied that it was just a bit of flirting. Since this we have had another DC and are as happy as ever.

My issue - Since this happened I have to be honest that I find it hard to trust DH. 99% of the time everything is great but there is always something in the back of my mind and I feel like I am always on high alert. Reason being that I had no idea of their friendship. When this happened it turned out that they had regularly gone for lunch but he would never have told me. Every day we would ask each other what did you do for lunch but he never once told me that he had lunch with her. I found this very odd. We bumped into her and her new bf recently and since then it has brought back everything that happened a few years ago. She introduced me to the bf and said DH had already met him. DH never mentioned this. They still work together but he never mentions her and I never ask. I have no reason to doubt him at all. He is a great father and DH. We don't go out separately very often and I have no reason to think anything but I just wonder because I never knew the last time either as everything was happening during work hours.

My question is will the doubt ever go away?? Sometimes I think I am being totally irrational but I can't help how I feel. I have been reading here about EA and how most people are repeat offenders and it has just got me thinking. I hate feeling like this and wish that I could have that feeling of complete trust back again.

Thanks for reading and all comments welcome.

OpalQuartz Thu 09-Jan-14 13:33:52

Suggesting that someone can't be good friends with a member of the opposite sex without there being "something going on" is rather sad in this day and age, why shouldn't I get on well with a man on a platonic basis?

As I mentioned in my post I have had very good platonic friendships with men myself, so I wasn't suggesting that someone can't be good friends with a member of the opposite sex without there being "something going on"

OpalQuartz Thu 09-Jan-14 13:52:04

I thought my post was quite supportive of the OP. I tried to reassure her that there was no evidence that her husband had done anything wrong, so I'm surprised that my post seems to have been interpreted as saying otherwise and of being "sad."

OpalQuartz Thu 09-Jan-14 13:53:11

Sorry, that should read "no evidence that her husband had been unfaithful"

Canthpfeelinglikethis Thu 09-Jan-14 14:17:41

OpalQuartz - I did not see your post as being "sad" and it definitely was supportive.

I don't want to speak for the other poster but I think when she says it's "sad" she is referring to the fact that you said you wouldnt feel right going to lunch alone with your mail colleagues. I think if they are the boundaries you are not comfortable with then that is fine. It's proof that everyone has their own limits and thoughts on what is acceptable.

Allergictoironing Thu 09-Jan-14 14:23:29

Yes Canthpfeelinglikethis has summed up what I meant exactly. The sad reference wasn't to you personally, more that the fact it still isn't socially acceptable by some people to have as close a friendship with a member of the opposite sex as with the same sex and I think it should be acceptable.

OpalQuartz Thu 09-Jan-14 14:30:29

Yes but that's not quite the same as "Suggesting that someone can't be good friends with a member of the opposite sex without there being "something going on" and that it's not possible to "get on well with a man on a platonic basis" which I never actually said and indeed mentioned platonic friendships of my own.

Allergictoironing Thu 09-Jan-14 14:33:54

Well I look on going out to lunch, or even drinks after work, as something I do with friends (of either sex), so wouldn't see there being anything not quite right with that just because it was a male friend. But as I said earlier - everyone has their own view on where boundaries lie, so I'll get off the subject so we don't derail the thread.

OpalQuartz Thu 09-Jan-14 14:39:19

I hadn't read your 14.23 reply when I added my 14.30 one

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