Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
He says it's over completely out of the blue(41 Posts)
Been together near 7 years. House together. Debts together. 2 yr old dd together. Sickeningly in love and thought we would grow old together. I haven't got a bad word to say about him. Had two years of hell. Had awful problems breast feeding now can't get dd weaned as she loves it still. Never slept in her own bed as very demanding and has woken sometimes hourly every night for two years. Had a very sleep deprived two years and financial strain. However throughout only had the usual minor arguments nothing major but I always felt we would overcome anything. Out the blue he told me New Year's Eve it's over. Reasons. He's changed. I'm a nutter. We want different things. Huh?!!!!!!!!!! As far as I'm aware I'm normal but very sleep deprived. I think we want the same things and he isn't willing to work at it!!! Wtf?! He s been staying over to baby sit our daughter as I'm a shift worker and being calm and we are hugging and talking but he is adamant he hasn't got anyone else but just doesn't want me any more!? I'm in shock and utter devastation. Wtf is going on!
We haven't had any time together at all. I have a very high
Sex drive and still been physical once a week not the every day I want but it's there. I ve put my dd first as we love her so much and neglected him
She's SUPPOSED to come first, she's a baby.
How sure are you there isn't someone else?
No idea. Don't know where he would have had time to. He s only gone out once on fri before Xmas in whole year and he swears no one. I went through his phone after dumping me couldn't find anything.
Where is he staying, GEM? Could he be feeling low because of sleep deprivation and stress?
I'm not saying these are excuses, but they could be reasons for his actions. As you're keen to continue the relationship, could you suggest counselling?
Either way, he should support you and DD.
He is staying with family and is an amazing father and extremely
Supportive. He has been talking to me but says he is not in love with me any more and does not want me. Very hard to take. I believe we are salvageable but yes I need to work on changes and falling in love again but he not willing to try very very sad ;-(
If you want to try to make it work, which may not happen if he really doesn't want to do whatever you can to not call him. Don't me contactable, make him wonder. It's the only thing you can do right now.
Hope you are ok though. It's the only advise I can think of.
Likely to be someone else involved - and a spare phone that you haven't found yet. Check bills though as messages may have been deleted as he knew you'd check his phone. Most affairs don't start on social evenings - they start at work or online.
Sorry to say this but the one night out before Christmas does give him a window to meet someone (perhaps that he knew already) get carried away and decide it was worth chucking a 7 yr partnership for. Stupid but people are stupid sometimes. In these situations they often to want to close down discussion, i.e. they will be quick to say no of course there's no-one else but it's definitely over, split right now etc. The full picture only emerges later.
I agree with Natasha that the best way, either for getting him to think twice or for dealing with a permanent split, is to back off now as much as you can. If you beg him to change his mind he will very likely pull further away - you do that and either you will prepare yourself for life without him anyway, or he will start to question whether he has really made the right call. Take care of yourself.
I'm very sorry, I think he met someone on that night out.
Thanks everyone. Yes I do keep questioning everything and have truly believed there must be someone else however he has even sworn on our daughters life that there isn't. We ve had sex 4 times now in a week since splitting all instigated by me (just high sex drive and lost half a stone back to exercise makes me horny). He has been extremely communicative with me. Calm and explaining that he just isn't in love with me any more. I found messages to his family that he was fed up of our lives and how hard work I've been. I ve made a lot of changes since then and he even commented he feels annoyed I'm making these changes now.. Does anyone think there is a glimmer of hope or no chance. I can take bad news. X
Agree with Natashabee. These threads always seem to end up with discovery of another person being involved. I guessed as much before I clicked on the thread.
It might just be that he is tired and low, however...
I think perhaps back off, take some time to think and find out what's going on.
However I am really wondering if maybe something happened on that night out or maybe there is someone. I don't know. It's a very small community I'm sure I would hear something. It's all eating me up. I'm giving him space and being patient and being as nice as I can despite wanting to scream at him come back and tackle these issues with me you selfish bas£&rd. I am being strong for my dd but I fall apart daily and I just wish I had a crystal ball.
it sounds really tough for you at the moment. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I think you need to put your own well being first now. Believe what he is telling you and stop sleeping with him. Doing that while he is saying these things will do you no good. Trying to 'win' him back will have the same effect.
Good luck x
Sorry but having sex with someone who says he has stopped loving you sounds degrading and won't make him think better of you. I would say it is time to move on - if he still loved you he wouldn't be behaving like this.
Unless there's someone he works with it doesn't sound like he's had the opportunity.
It may just be that the grind of having a small child is too much for him, and your daughter does sound a particularly demanding baby,
perhaps he blames you for the way his life has changed.
No I don't think there's a glimmer of hope.
My heart sinks when I see threads like these and especially the phrases 'he wouldn't have the time to have an affair' and 'he swore on the kids' lives there was no-one else'.
I wish I had a pound for every affair I've known about that's been conducted at work and two for every thread on here where that crass oath hasn't been used to disguise a big fat lie. People take time off and don't tell their partners, they leave work a couple of hours early and some even squeeze affairs into lunch breaks.
Of course he's justifying his decision to friends and family. If he won't tell you he's met someone else, he's hardly likely to tell anyone else.
The world's worst way of handling this is to up your game and try to make him love you again. It just never works and your self-respect will be in tatters before too long.
In the unlikely event that there's no-one else involved, the best way of getting him back is to let him go. While simultaneously delivering the message that you value yourself far too highly to wait around for someone who no longer loves you.
I'll share with you that my heart also sinks when I see posts from people who report that their partners left for a while to get their heads straight, there was no-one else involved and after a few months everything went back to normal. Invariably I think that's because the undiscovered affair didn't work out and this is because unfortunately I know people who did just that. The 'back to normal' translated to the deserted partner living in constant fear of another wobbly and the flakey one having all the power that comes from having a secret and being allowed to come and go without consequences.
GEM - sorry you are going through this
Sorry, but I agree with Leven - I'll eat my laptop if he hasn't at least played away on that night out. Men very very seldom leave one woman until they have another to go to
I know what it's like to want to 'fix it' - but you can't do it on your own and no matter how great you think he is, if he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to
I do not think he has met someone else, you two need to spend time together and have fun.
Men very very seldom leave one woman until they have another to go to
TheDoctors - you may be but I have personally always found that to be the case. Even my own brother suddenly made a huge deal out of a very small argument with his DP - flounced and told her it was over. He was shagging a close friend's wife.
I agree about the OW and I definitely agree with HoneyandRum about men only leaving if they have another woman to go to.
Men very very rarely instigate the end of s relationship until they have another woman to go to
Men having affairs swear on their DC lives and say just that bit over the top lies to try that bit harder to kid themselves they are not telling lies
If he isn't seeing someone else, but feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by the demands of fatherhood and debt, then you do have to step back and let him sort it out in his own time. It's a sad truth that playing hard to get can attract a man's interest like nothing else. Try being calm and nice but a little distracted or disengaged when you see him - perhaps a little too interested in your phone - and certainly never have sex with him. Honestly what are you thinking? He'll have no respect for you, and you'll end up feeling the same. Step back, concentrate on yourself and your DC and see what happens. This is not a situation you can win by begging.
Join the discussion
Please login first.