Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

(212 Posts)
MandatoryMongoose Sat 04-Jan-14 18:05:51

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

cees Tue 07-Jan-14 22:47:48

Oh Mandatory, I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. You are both being so strong.

annielouisa Tue 07-Jan-14 18:32:41

You have done so well and been so supportive for your DD. I hope things go well for you both but there will be sad days, angry days and just can't be ars*d days. Just remembered he is the only one to blame for all this!!

candycoatedwaterdrops Tue 07-Jan-14 16:30:13

You're an amazing mum. flowers I feel very strongly that your DD will get through this with such a lovely mum by her side. She also sounds very mature and she is very brave too. x

Greenkit Tue 07-Jan-14 16:10:12

First hurdle jumped, keep strong the truth will out x

donnie Tue 07-Jan-14 12:08:52

OP just wanted to add my voice to all the others who are commending you for your strength and fabulous mummy skills!

In the months/years to come, your dd will be so glad that the whole nasty event was not buried and hidden but addressed and confronted. She will know that she was believed and taken seriously and that will mean the world to her. It will give her strength and help her see that she did not have to just accept abuse. She will know and remember that you, as well as the police etc believed her and fought for her. That is really important.

I really hope she is able to get some peace of mind and that you are too. keep us all posted.xx

horsetowater Tue 07-Jan-14 11:56:22

Following on from livingzuid's advice on counselling, perhaps your daughter would be happier to talk to someone online - Childline have a good system set up.

The website has a lot of information that is appropriate for her age.

livingzuid Mon 06-Jan-14 23:24:15

So sorry to read what you and DD have been through. And how brave and strong to report it to the police.

I just wanted to mention the counselling point. It's all to easy when faced with abuse to try and normalise what happened and bury it deep down. I 100% understand her reluctance to talk about it again but it is only through talking with an experienced professional in a safe environment that it won't haunt her.

You may not wish to get her there straight away but if possible do try and ensure she speaks to someone at some point or it cold have long-term implications. She has suffered a severe trauma and can manifest in ways that won't be helpful to her in the long run.

Apologies for sounding like a doom lord so soon after what you have been through and you have coped amazingly well.

cjel Mon 06-Jan-14 23:18:22

Hope you can concentrate on your lovely dd and not whether he lies or not.xx

LittleNoona Mon 06-Jan-14 22:43:52

What a little bastard.

Nothing can be permanently deleted - police have the resources to retrieve all deleted data on mobiles with the exception of blackberry's.

Fingers crossed he doesn't have a bb

BakerStreetSaxRift Mon 06-Jan-14 22:39:34

Mandatory, you are a great Mum, and your DD has done so well.

I'd also pitch in for a jumper, or a new different one if she'd rather not have the memories.


Loggins Mon 06-Jan-14 22:39:08

Did they say they will retrieve the photos from his phone? That would be enough to prove he is lying!

Hope all is well at school tomorrow. Lots of hugs for you x

Lweji Mon 06-Jan-14 21:40:28

It is no surprise at all that he is lying. The police may be able to get him to admit to it eventually, but I doubt it.
Hopefully, they will find evidence, on his phone for example.

In any case, he will know that she didn't cow for embarrassment and has fought back. If it comes out, maybe even other girls he has attacked will feel the strength to complain. Or it may deter him from doing it again.

In any case, take care of yourselves and keep an eye on her. As someone said, counselling may be necessary before the normal channels.

horsetowater Mon 06-Jan-14 21:34:45

Hi Mandatory, I can't imagine what you've been through. Remember that she doesn't have to wait for official counselling to happen (could take ages) there are many organisations out there such as Rape Crisis. Don't forget the children's organisations as well, after all she is legally a child and was groomed for this precisely because she is young and vulnerable.

bumbumsmummy Mon 06-Jan-14 21:13:25

Your poor Dd give her a hug and call the police and rape crisis

They will be able to support you both through this

So sorry you are going through this

WeAllHaveWings Mon 06-Jan-14 21:06:43

When my dn (also 14) was assaulted (by ex-SIL new partner) it took a long time for everything to happen. He was questioned and bailed too, but they eventually got their day in court but unfortunately a not proven verdict (Scotland). Whole thing took a year (he couldn't be found for a while).

Dn didn't want anyone else in the family to know either, but it was a weight off her shoulders when they were eventually told and they could help support both her and her mum too. If you can encourage her to tell her gran/your mum, the more she sees she is getting support and not blamed hopefully the less guilty she'll feel. And you'll get some much needed support too.

invicta Mon 06-Jan-14 20:53:33

Have they got his phone? Can they retrieve the pictures?

purplebaglady Mon 06-Jan-14 20:37:38

sorry, my computer was playing up and l didn't get all the posts. Well done to you for helping your daughter sort this out. she will be able to go forward from this. You did the right thing.

purplebaglady Mon 06-Jan-14 20:35:15

Please support her and help her report this, if not you must do it on her behalf as she is still a child. Speak to a female officer and find out which police office has a specialist rape unit which will be set up to help. She will need help to get over this, and at this age it is so important it is dealt with well as the consequences will stay with her and may affect sensible adult decisions later in life. l am so sorry for you both, a very horrible thing to have happened.

OhCaptainDarling Mon 06-Jan-14 20:34:11

Of course the little fuck wit is lying! What a shit.

Agree with pp he's on their radar now. Those things have a habit of coming out in the wash. Now he's being investigated, fingers crossed it will be all picked up on.

Glad your DD is being so positive. She has done the right thing.

Happiestinwellybobs Mon 06-Jan-14 20:20:32

I just wanted to add my support. You sound like the most amazing mum and your daughter is so brave flowers

stickysausages Mon 06-Jan-14 20:13:32

Also, even if no conviction... hopefully this will frighten him off doing anything else

stickysausages Mon 06-Jan-14 20:12:23

Not surprised he's denying it, he may have been advised by lawyers to deny it anyway. There may well be other s who come out the woodwork... I can't believe this was a one off sad

DustBunnyFarmer Mon 06-Jan-14 20:11:03

The point is that, even if this charge doesn't stick, your daughter was 'heard', knows she was not to blame & the police now have information about this lad. Any attempts to harrass your daughter can refer back to the incident. Any future charges/allegations against him (likely with such calculating & predatory behaviour) will be framed in the context of this earlier incident. Your daughter has taken positive action here to safeguard herself and others & he's now on their radar. This is all good. Your daughter is fab, and so are you.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 20:09:05

I think it cannot be a big surprise to anyone that he denies it all.

Even if you don't get that conviction, you have still done the right thing, IMO

MandatoryMongoose Mon 06-Jan-14 20:03:24

Unsurprisingly but still sad and frustratingly the boy has denied anything happened. Apparently DD popped round, watched TV for half an hour and left. He claims to have a witness but refused to give the witnesses details.

He's been bailed (conditional of no contact with DD or any child).

DD is ok, a bit upset that he's lying but she understands why. So we just have to wait and see what happens now with the investigation over the next few months.

I think we're going to try and put the official side of things aside and concentrate on DDs emotional health.

I think that whatever happens in the end we've done the right thing and hopefully the thing that will eventually be most beneficial for DD.

I'd really like to say thank you again (I know I keep saying it!) the kind words and advice on this thread has really helped me to hold things together over the past couple of days and so in turn has helped support DD through things.

Keep your fingers crossed for us that I can come back to this thread in the future to report a conviction - I know conviction rates are very low in these sorts of cases, so I'm not pinning any hopes on it but it would be very positive if it happens.

thanks for you and wine for me this evening.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now