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Relationships

Abusive alcoholic mother should I go no contact

7 replies

herbsandspice · 04/01/2014 13:44

This is my first post about my mum and I fear it will be long.
Back story is my db2 died when he was seven is was 3 and my mum and dad divorced soon afterwards. We lived next to my dgm and dgd. After my parents divorced my mum had a string of men in our lives. To be honest me and db1 were brought up by are dgps. I can't remember a time when she didn't have a new bloke or when she didn't drink. My dad moved away when I was 11. I've hardly seen him since or spoken to him in 3 years.

At around the time I was 11 she moved a new bloke in after a month of knowing him. He soon started to become violent towards her. He was thrown out many times but always came back. When I was 13 he sexually abused me. My mum didn't believe me and I went to live with a friend then finally to my dgps. I remember begging my dad to let me live with him, he refused. When I was 15 I moved back into my mums with him still living there as I felt guilty my mum was so sad, she still not believing me, I have no idea why I moved back in with her. He was still being violent, I remember going to bed with my phone under my pillow with 999 waiting to call them.

I met dh when I was 15, I got pregnant with dc1 quickly and moved in with him as soon as I was 16. Between then and when I was pregnant with dc5 2 years ago, she still stayed with him. Him still being abusive, they sold the house next to my dgps and started renting, her drinking was still bad at this point. She would be really nice to me sometimes, but then she would flip after to many drinks and start being nasty to me saying how evil I was everything was my fault. When I was heavily pregnant with dc5 she phone me phone night in hysterics saying her partner had been cheating on her and still being violent.

Dh went to pick her up and she came to live with us. Every night she was drinking at least a bottle of wine and a lot of vodka or whiskey etc. one night she totally flipped out and we asked her to leave I remember her standing in the street outside our house screaming and shouting her head of at dh and I, she even went for me. my dc were frighten. In the end my dgd came and got her and took her home. I have never trusted her since but still felt bad and still saw her and spoke to her everyday. That year my dgm died, her drinking increased as my dgd got depressed and started drinking lots as well.

Onto this year I still saw her at least twice a week and spoke to her at least twice a day. In April my dgd died. Since then her drinking has increased tenfold. Her nastiness increased. At least twice a week would she send my abusive messages. I always forgave her. Dh and I were given notice at our house. We moved in June. My dgds house had to be sold. She would be homeless until the money came through from the sale of the house. She moved in with a friend until 2 weeks later she phone me in a drunken state having fallen out with her friend asking me to go and pick her up.

After last time she lived with us we said she could stay here as long as she got help with her drinking and got some help with her grief. All was ok for a month until she went on a really bad binge and started getting abusive with dh and I In front of my dc and even started slagging my in laws off even screaming at the top of her voice she wished mil was dead. My db came round and got her out the house and she went and stayed at her db my uncles house. She kept telling me she wishes she was dead, she had nothing to live for. After 3 days she came back after promising she wouldn't drink again.

On the Sunday (29th September) she got extremely drunk again about 2 in the afternoon and she got nasty again even shouting in front of my dd2 who is 5 that's she pisses the bed and she is disgusting. Finally again my db came over and took her away. I blocked her number and started to pack her stuff up. When getting our older dc to bed she came back and refused to move screaming and shouting. In the street. My contractions started. She was outside for 20 minutes still doing this and refused to go. So in the end dh phoned the police and they took her to the station. I

gave birth early the next morning to dc6, I refused to meet her, still getting messages making me feel sorry for her and guilty so I relented and started to see her once a week, since then it's been a pattern she will be lovely then once or twice a week she would be nasty.

She now lives 5 min walk away. I asked her if she wanted to come see my oldest dc carol singing but she couldn't as she was working, so we invited mil when my mum found out she went mad. We invited her over for Christmas lunch as I felt horrible that she would be alone in Christmas Day. She came over Christmas Eve saw the kids to bed with us and we arranged she would come over at 11 on Christmas Day. On Christmas say I spoke to her at 9 and said see you at 11, she never turned up. I tried ringing and no answer, just as I was about to go over and see if she was ok she text me saying how horrible I was for not having her over until 11, how could I dare go over to my in laws for an hour later that night, on Boxing Day she was sorry and I told her it can't continue that it happens again I want nothing else to do with her.

Everything was going ok until New Year's Day when she came over for dinner, you could tell she had been drinking. Two minutes through the door she started saying I bet mil won't be doing this with you tomorrow,my dh went outside so not to say anything. I asked her what she thinks she was doing and it all kicked off again. She finally left but not before shouting and swearing at me and dh in front of the dc. She then started sending me nasty messages again which I ignored and finally let my dh see all the messages I had saved since I had dc6.

He has said that this is the final straw and she isn't welcome here and the dc aren't to see her again. I agree but I can't stop feeling horrible guilty. I don't know why I feel like this. I got a new SIM card so I only have to look at the phone number she has when I want. My db text my old no last night asking me to meet up with her for 30 mins, but I text him saying I can't do it anymore, I haven't heard from him since, it's my dts1 and dtd2 birthday today and I'm dreading her trying to come over. I just want to move my family as far away as possible, but there is still part of me that feels bad, I haven't had any contact with her since New Year's Day. She does this to my db as well. Wwyd? Do I stay no contact which I think is best for my family and if so how do I go about it? Also I know my dh has put up with a lot of slagging of off his family and still wanted to help her and I respect him a lot for that as I couldn't do it. I regret letting her back time and time again and feel sorry for my dh and dc.
Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 13:49

You probably should go no contact but it's important that you are 100% at peace with your decision which you currently don't appear to be. It can't be imposed from outside. Now you can either wait to feel 'right' before going NC and maybe get help through counselling to assist with your decision or... and this would be my suggestion.... you take the plunge, go NC with your DH's help, and wait for your misgivings and feelings of guilt to fade which I'm sure they will do the more distance you put between you.

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whatiswrongwithyou · 04/01/2014 14:13

Cog is right. If you choose no contact those feelings will dissipate and then you will be left wondering how you tolerated the abuse for as long as you have.

This relationship is so deeply flawed and dysfunctional, but I doubt you truly realise just how bad it is, such is your conditioning.

You are not responsible for your dm and I bet you she'll survive even after you've gone nc - they always do!

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herbsandspice · 04/01/2014 14:14

Thank you for your reply, she has just text me asking me how I can be so cruel to her, and that dh and the person in my head? Are controlling me? Is this all my fault I feel like I'm going mad, just been in the hall and there are two cards on the mat, do I put them in the bin? Give them back to her? I don't know what to do. I just feel this has to be all my fault somehow. Dh and my best friend who I have only told some of this two say it isn't.

OP posts:
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Cleorapter · 04/01/2014 14:47

Honestly, think of the impact on your children, they are witnessing all this and it will damage them. I think for their sake and your sake, you need to cut her out. I hope you can find some peace soon. Your situation sounds awful Sad

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Joysmum · 04/01/2014 15:00

I am NC with my GP's.

I only got to that stage when I stopped being angry with them, stopped being upset. I had just reached that stage of quiet resignation in accepting things would never change and that the negativity they bought to my life greatly outweighed any benefits from our relationship.

I don't regret it to this day. I'm still not angry or upset. I still have that sense of resignation that nothing would change and it was pointless hoping it would.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 15:06

You should listen to DH and your best friend. You're a mother yourself. Ask yourself. do you ever make mistakes, get annoyed with your kids, or vice versa? Do you ever apologise for getting grumpy? Do they? .... That would be a pretty normal part of family life. But would you ever dream of deliberately upsetting your kids and then accusing them of being cruel or having voices in their heads controlling them? I seriously doubt it.

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goodenuffmum · 04/01/2014 19:42

I think you need to realise that you haven't caused her drinking, you can't control it and you sadly can't cure it. So you can't change how your DM behaves but you can stop reacting to her and start acting how you want to.

You must start listening to your gut reaction which is telling you to put some emotional distance between you and your DM. Your focus needs to be on you're DC and DH.

Your DM is an adult and has to take responsibility for both her actions and consequences of these actions. If she cannot treat you the way you deserve to be treated then you stop allowing her the opportunity to treat you like that.

You wouldn't let a stranger treat you in this appalling way would you?

I went NC with my 'D'M after a particularity savage Christmas 6 years ago which ended in me telling her to leave my home. Now I answer her calls when I feel emotionally ok and if she is drunk I tell her I won't speak to her whilst she is drunk and hang up. I ignore abusive texts and I see her when I chose.

It was the best thing I ever did! The counselling and going to AlAnon helped too Grin

Make 2014 the year you leave the FOG behind!

Good luck!

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