Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

H won't go- stepped up the manipulation another level

(151 Posts)
PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 11:01:59

Beginning of Nov I told him to leave, he said he won't go, said we can fix things
He's a liar, cheat. Whores, strippers, fwb.
I cannot forgive or forget what he's done.
He was supposed to have found somewhere by now, I've been at my parents
He has threatened suicide
On Wed, he text me to tell me he thought he was having a heart attack, I was 5 hours away
The hospital is 10 minutes
He went to work yesterday, wouldn't go to hospital last night
Supposedly taking himself now
But all huffy and big sighs, presumably because I'm showing no emotion, didnt even go up the stairs

He's a liar, the things he's lied about before are shocking.
I have to keep telling myself it's just another controlling manipulative method
But it's so hard

Can you help me through this

AcrossthePond55 Tue 14-Jan-14 00:39:28

That diary is a very good idea. And it's good that you have a mutual friend who can help you keep tabs on what he's thinking. Keep that line of communication open, for sure.

It's the flashes of anger than can escalate. Do call the police if he starts in again. You don't have to put up with that behaviour, no matter who is paying the mortgage. You deserve to be treated with dignity.

But, I will say, that if his attitude is that you have to put up with whatever he dishes out because he's paying for things, you may do well, if you can, in getting a job. Much easier said than done, I know. But it's a thought. But even if you can't, you still don't deserve to be treated that way. Nobody does!

PPaka Tue 14-Jan-14 00:28:46

I'm ok, he's not here, it's fine. He's back in hotel.
I started a diary today, and went back to Nov and wrote down some stuff from then

I will call the police, don't worry
The thought crossed my mind on Sunday with some things he was saying, but he backed down
It's the flashes of anger that scare me, when he can't control what he says, swearing and saying its his fucking house, he'll say what he wants while he pays the mortgage

I spoke with a friend tonight who reassured me that he is coming to terms with it, and looking for somewhere to stay

Jux Mon 13-Jan-14 23:00:35

Are you safe?

When he is threatening and intimidating like that, call the police.
If you are frightened of him, call the police.
If he frightens your ds, call the police.

Be sure to tell them there is a young child in the house, too. Tell them that you are separating.

His abuse is escalating. You are not safe with him in the house. See a family lawyer and ask about a non-molestation order.

Call Women's Aid. They will advise you and support you in how you can leave him safely (that doesn't necessarily entail you leaving the house, but would entail keeping him out of it).

Phone 101 and talk to their DV unit.

Has he gone and are you safe?

Please please call the police.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 13-Jan-14 20:07:57

Yes, you need to get in touch with Women's Aid. And document, document, document. If he goes off either verbally or physically (even if it's against inanimate objects), call 999. Tell them you fear for your safety. Which you certainly should be fearing for.

I don't mean to frighten you, but escalation in abusive behaviour is more common than not. Having proof of his behaviour may also assist you in legally getting him OUT of the house! Typically here (US) his type of behaviour would result either in arrest or in the police telling him to leave to 'cool off for a day or so'. Then they advise the wife to get a restraining order ASAP so they can keep him out. Hopefully, it's similar there.

Again, I understand you wanting to stay in the home, but nothing is worth your life.

Meerka Mon 13-Jan-14 18:52:16

it sounds as though he could perhaps be violent towards you, so it could be worth just checking with WA and the housing office

RandomMess Mon 13-Jan-14 17:58:55


Honestly please speak to you local housing officer if he is being emotional abusive you can leave and get short term help whilst you get him out of the house/sell it/do whatever you need to to be free.

PPaka Mon 13-Jan-14 17:50:13

He is a nasty piece of work
He's never been actually violent before, to me

Shouted, kicked doors, punched computer screen once
Thrown a few things

It's the way his mind works that scares me, and how his mood can change so quickly

Meerka Mon 13-Jan-14 17:23:42

Are you safe, PPaka?

If there is any chance of violence, work out a plan as to how to make sure you and your son are safe

PPaka Mon 13-Jan-14 17:17:45

I'm dealing with a psycho, and I don't say that lightly

AcrossthePond55 Mon 13-Jan-14 16:14:29

I'm not going to try to say that it's all going to be rainbows and lollipops. Undoubtedly, you have some rough times ahead. But the main thing to keep sight of is that there is always day following the darkest night. Keep thinking about the peaceful future. Focus on that. One step at a time. You WILL get through this and will be happier in the end.

PPaka Mon 13-Jan-14 11:05:08

I knew this was going to be a nightmare and this is just the beginning

AcrossthePond55 Sun 12-Jan-14 22:43:23

Yes, Ppaka, I know what you mean about getting drawn into rows. It's so hard to just keep telling yourself not to respond when you feel you're being attacked or blamed. Just keep telling yourself 'His opinion means nothing to me'.

I'm sure he's just trying to 'wait you out' so he isn't looking too hard for accom, believing you'll take him back when you 'get over it'. And how can you convince someone of something they don't want to believe? I can see that you just pretty much have to let time prove to him that you don't want to let him back in. But time, I think, you have. As long as he's paying for the home expenses and you can keep him at arm's length, you don't need to rush into anything.

And I can understand you wanting to be able to keep the house. Home ownership is a biggie. But I'm sure you will also know if/when the time comes that keeping the house just isn't' worth it to you.

RandomMess Sun 12-Jan-14 21:20:48

Hmm SIL got the deposit money through some sort of "deposit loan scheme" through the council.

Go talk to your local housing benefit officer, knowledge is power if he doesn't move out.

PPaka Sun 12-Jan-14 21:16:12

I can't move anywhere, I have no funds
Deposit would be 2/3k

I would like to file for divorce, but worried about paying that bill
I will divorce him, it will happen
But right now I'm a bit stuck
We have to agree amicably on what's going to happen, if he won't agree I have to go further with solicitor which I can't afford

RandomMess Sun 12-Jan-14 19:16:57

Geez, I'd just move out with ds leave him to it.

File for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour?

SIL managed to get housing benefit for a year when she moved out due to her ex gambling their money away and being an arse/a bit controlling. Worth a shot?

It's not "fair" but he's going to carry on behaving like this I'm afraid.

PPaka Sun 12-Jan-14 19:08:21


I sent him accom links weeks ago, but I think he was thinking I'd calm down over Xmas, so it's only since last week

We had a few words after I came in, but we've since talked about a few things and looked at some places online

Acrossthepond, that's why I was dreading the weekend, I knew he'd put this pressure on- utter emotional blackmail
But he can't press any but ions that will make me feel sorry for him or even give a shit, but he can wind me up and make me have to defend myself and get drawn into rows, which is what I dreaded

I've told him he has to make a plan for ds for the weekend
Not rely on coming here and sleeping too long and staying in
He admits he was out of order getting up late today, but disputes yesterday morning because he thought I wouldn't want it to be too early hmm
Yeah cos we're not up at 7am

RandomMess Sun 12-Jan-14 16:53:30

I can't remember from up thread - is the house rented/mortgaged?

AcrossthePond55 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:27:21

You do what you feel is right. But letting him stay in the house (IMO) gives him the message that you may be willing to 'forgive and forget', even if you tell him it's only stopgap til he gets his own place. A teensy flicker, but may be enough for him to start up the emotional blackmail you've been enduring recently. And his behaviour today has already ramped up your stress level further.

Is there anyone else he can kip in with? Surely he has at least one single/divorced friend with a spare sofa?

If you wait until he gets his accom sorted himself, you'll probably be waiting a long time as long as he feels he can get you to let him stay there. I'd be looking at the 'to lets' myself and presenting him with a list of affordable options.

PPaka Sun 12-Jan-14 16:08:47

1pm he got up. Disgraceful
It's not confusing for ds honestly
He is used to his daddy not being here during the week and he's used to daddy sleeping most of the weekend
That's been part of the problem
Ds does not know we are separating, I'm not telling him until I can make a big deal of daddy having a new house.

But I agree, this isn't how it's going to work going forward
This is just the first weekend, and he hasn't got accom sorted and we can't afford a hotel 7 nights a week
He has to change to services apts or get a flat
But I'm furious how he has behaved this weekend and I will be telling him
I just wanted everything to be reasonable
I've been out this afternoon.
But it's also not fair because it means ds hasn't been out today, that's the thing I'm most pissed off with

happytalk13 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:29:43

This is completely out of order behaviour - and I can pretty much guarantee that his reasonableness was so you would let him go out to friends and then use the house as a stop-gap (I'm guessing your house is closer to last night's venue than the hotel is?) to grab a kip, a nice long lie in and then possibly some breakfast and if he's really lucky and plays his cards right some nookie. At the very least once he's up and about this will be an opportune time for him to wheedle his way into your good books. He is not thinking at all about his child - how very confusing for your son.

Put your boundaries firmly back up and do not let him walk all over them - which is exactly what he's doing again.

Jux Sun 12-Jan-14 13:45:34

Has he gone yet?

This could be very confusing for your ds. One minute daddy's around, then he's not, then he is, then he isn't etc. Contact between child and non-resident parent usually works better (for the child) if it takes place outside and away from the home. The child then has a chance of understanding what his world is now - rp in one home and nrp in another. Toing and froing between parents together and parents apart is very confusing and interrupts any equilibrium the child develops.

Try to get ex to understand that, and arrange for contact to be daddy taking ds out. Overnights etc can happen where ex lives - a hotel is fine temporarily as long as ds has a bed. Sofa in someone's sitting room is not fine.

Until ex is sorted with a flat then he takes ds out for the day and brings him back in the evening and then buggers off until next contact.

Normal contact is every other weekend and maybe one day a week after school for a few hours - but still not in your home.

PPaka Sun 12-Jan-14 10:44:26

He really is pushing it now
He stayed here last night because he went to friends house for dinner- our friends
He's still in bed, probably pretty wasted from last night

AcrossthePond55 Sat 11-Jan-14 23:34:25

Be aware, yes. But you can also use that to get him to make real concessions to you as far as future support and visitation schedules. Doesn't matter what he 'thinks' he may get out of being Mr Nicey-nice. Only matters what YOU get out of it!

I hope that doesn't sound too awful.

RandomMess Sat 11-Jan-14 22:13:45

He could be playing the script, being all nice to try and win you back and forget what an arse he's been. Just be on your guard.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:55:47

Oh good! Hopefully things will smooth out, at least for a little while. I'm glad you've got your parents behind you. We're never too old to need our parents.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now