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Just had enough

(16 Posts)
VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 00:03:38

DH went to work at 8am, he's still not home. He was due home at 5pm. 7pm arrived, still no sign of him. I called him then, no answer. He text me at 8pm saying he'd be home in half an hour. Still no sign of him now.

Things have been pretty bad between us for a few months. He works long hours, is tired and grumpy, doesn't do anything with the kids unless I mention it. I do absolutely everything. He moaned yesterday because he had to lift some dog mess in the garden. That's all he does! I walk the dog 3 times a day. The dog he was desperate for. We all love him to bits btw, wouldn't be without him but fgs, lifting some dog crap isn't hard.

I've tried talking about it to him. He says he's sorry and things will change but they change only for a few weeks then it's back to normal.

He's probably going to stagger in at god knows what time and sleep all day leaving me to get on with it as per usual.

I'm not sure what advise I'm hoping for, just need to vent really. I've been up since 5am and worked all day. So disgusted with what my life has become sad

strongagain1985 Sat 04-Jan-14 00:23:14

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Does he drink often leaving you to do everything? Do you have DC?

strongagain1985 Sat 04-Jan-14 00:24:26

Sorry missed the bit about the kids. How long has it been like this?

VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 00:27:30

No he hardly ever drinks, just works. We have 3 dc, his attitude the past few months has been horrible. I know he's tired and works a lot but so am I. He is always negative about everything, if I mention money he huffs and puffs, even about essentials. It's driving me mad, all of it.

He's still not home or called either.

BillyBanter Sat 04-Jan-14 00:28:17

in what way is leaving at 8 and being home at 5 long hours?

Do a diary showing hour by hour how each of you spend your time. For yourself but you may want to share it with him in a discussion.

What exactly is it you're fed up with? Just distribution of chores and childcare or other stuff too?

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 00:36:00

Lock the doors on the inside?

What do you mean talk about money?

Twinklestein Sat 04-Jan-14 00:38:37

Do you work OP?

VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 00:38:52

Today isn't a typical working day for him. I should have pointed that out. He's still officially on holiday but volunteered to do some overtime today. He works different shift patterns, days and night shifts. On a normal day he's out from 6am-8pm, sometimes later.

Fed up of his attitude, never helping when he is here, his disregard for my feelings.

VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 00:42:49

I work 3-4 days a week, approx 35 hours.

When I say talk about money I mean if for example I say one of the dc needs new shoes he will just moan and moan. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and can't even bring it up.

strongagain1985 Sat 04-Jan-14 00:45:25

Does he have financial problems with him working during annual leave? Is he covering something up? What does he say when you ask him to help out?

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 00:47:58

Why do you tell him a dc needs new shoes? Can't you just go and buy them?

Does he need to work that much? Could he cut some hours?

And are you sure he's really working?

VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 00:52:46

I don't think he's covering anything up, I know he does worry about money so takes all the OT he can get. When I ask him to help out he says he does help out and just basically denies there is a problem. Yesterday for example we both had a day off, I got up, washed up the breakfast dishes and sat down with youngest dc to have breakfast. He got up and was looking for something in kitchen drawer, started slamming drawers and moaning about the state of the place. Then proceeded to bang doors, start tidying out cupboards. My nerves were shattered. The house is clean, lived in as you'd expect with 3 dc but moaning about the carrier bags in drawers is ridiculous.

VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 00:56:14


I'm as sure as I can be he's working.

It's just recently about the money thing. Due to Christmas and car tax/mot my wages have been eaten up and I'm paid monthly. He's paid weekly so asked him to transfer money to my account to buy shoes etc

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 00:59:21

Who is in control of finances?

And not only he doesn't help as throws tantrums around?
Can you tell him if he doesn't stop it it will be the end?

VonnyBee Sat 04-Jan-14 01:02:19

Yes I think something has to give. I'm miserable, he probably is too going by actions.

He's more in control of finances than me. He pays most of the bills. My wages are basically spent as I'm paid.

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 08:32:24

What I am asking is to try and get a bigger picture.

In addition to his moods and not doing anything at home, I got a hint that there may be financial control as well.
Was it only the shoes, ever?

Has he returned? What happened?

Regarding your OP, if he only changes for a few weeks, you must have a plan in place so that there are consequences for not sticking to promises. He keeps defaulting because he knows there are non consequences.
But, ultimately, it would be you accepting that he won't change and you must have a better life.
You may not be at that stage yet, but, at least do not let yourself get into a position that you feel you can't leave. Gather information so that you know you have options. And address finances, so that you have a safety net. Do not spend all your wages. I suspect he has his own savings, while you are begging money to buy the children shoes.
And I am saying this as someone who earned much more than exH, and he was able to save at least as much as I did.

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