Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Would you tell your abusive ex-Hs new partner about his history?(44 Posts)
He has thrown himself into new relationship. She has three children and seems from twitter quite sensible, well educated etc, but has launched into relationship statuses on Facebook after only a couple of months. Has was EA since I had DS, progressed to a bit of physical stuff in last few years. He is in army and their welfare service reported him to SS, although no action was taken as I was about to move out by then. Feel I should tell her. Or should I but out?
I think the new GF thinking you are a loon and not believing you is a non-issue.
If I was in a new relationship with an abuser I would be glad to be warned by the ex, provided she approached me in a calm and sensible way, just told me the facts rather than look like shit stirring. Of course I may not believe her/want to believe her, but at least by being warned I'd know that he possibly has form, and that if he started behaving badly towards me I'd know it wasn't "out of character".
I agree Twinklestein, it's the apathy and defeatist attitude that pisses me off.
Sometimes we have to do the right thing - warn someone of a potential situation - even if we thing they won't listen.
Every single person in a relationship with an abuser is worth taking the time to help.
Writing victims off is ridiculous and needs to stop.
Even on this thread there's been acres of 'she won't listen, Myob' etc.
If we are to conquer domestic abuse, women need to work together to share want they know, trust each other and believe each other. The social conventions that dissuade women from pooling information actually perpetuate cycles of abuse. The very idea at women shouldn't grass but put up and shut up & just be grateful they got rid, is pernicious and works in abusive men's favour.
I don't actually think it's a given that every woman entering a relationship with an abusive man would disbelieve warnings point blank.
Many, maybe even most, but there are no stats for the women who ended relationships because of what they heard about their partner. Personally I would listen. Of course I might factor in that it might be sour grapes, but in many situations the exgf has nothing to gain.
I am painfully aware that there are women who would be alive today if they'd heeded warnings about their partner. But I see no reason to dismiss all women as too ditsily honeymoonish to listen.
Once we are divorced and the financial bit is done I have nothing to lose. I'd have to send her a pm. No idea about him knowing her passwords but if they are in a honeymoon phase I would assume she would show him anyway. She's 200 miles away so it doesn't really matter what she thinks of me! Thank you for opinions everyone
true, lynda, it does come over worse from an ex. Definitely a bit of a problem. A neutral person would be better aye :/
Failing that, still think that notifying SS or mentioning the SS involvement to her might help a bit. But it's more difficult in that you have no way of contacting her other than on line. Is it possible he has access to her passwords etc, if you sent her a cautious pm? Would he maybe see the PM (in which case, don't pm her). It does make it all more awkward :/ There again, it could save her kids and her a world of grief.
What do you have to lose by contacting her? (genuine question). If he's going to make your life difficult then don't. If not - well, you might as well. the new lady's opinion of you isnt that important to you, but on the other hand you might just save her a world of grief, now or later on when she begins to see what he's like
Don't bother they would never believe you!!!!
My ex was on a dispensed sentance for assault on me! when he need new wife, yet she believes he is whiter than white and is a fab dad dispite him not paying for his kids and not seeing them for years!
Yet she thinks I'm the bad one?!?
You can request to speak to her un regards to the holidays you can then mention that you wanted to get to know her as you are cautious considering SS were involved with your family. And you can briefly say it was due to the abuse from your ex. Almost as it's not the main focus of the convo.
And sadly, even when we see red flags ourselves we often brush them aside "because he's 95% wonderful" etc.
Thing is, there's a world of difference between friends of his/hers saying "oh we knew what he was like, but didn't tell you" and his ex saying the same thing.
Does anyone else know what he was like? Someone who is still in his life? If so, I'd have thought it was their responsibility to mention it and they'd more likely be believed too.
I wouldn't bother op unless he has a cruel streak regarding kids or pets. If she asks you I would be honest with her but I wouldn't seek her out to tell her. I think people usually shot the messenger in these sort of situations. My exh was abusive. His new women is completely brainwashed by him, they are still in the honeymoon period and he is putting on a front of being somebody that he's not. She would of laughed in my face if I'd tried to explain the horrible sly sneaky traits he has.
Thanks everyone. Still don't know what to do! She lives 200 miles away from me and DS and know no one who knows her, or even her address. She has a very visible online presence and that would be the only way i could contact her at the moment. Ho hum.
I would, yes, and I would give her the SS case number and details. Maybe inform SS too that he's seeing her. Giving evidence will make you more believable.
Even so, be prepared not to be believed.
But if she's sensible and you tell her calmly, then you've done all you can and she has been warned.
it makes me cross when people end up abused and ground down and then someone says "oh we knew all along but didn't want to say anything" after their life -and children's lives- have gone to hell.
I would go through SS. Explain to them that he has previously been flagged because of DV and that he is now seeing someone with children.
Chances are, if you told her, she wouldn't believe you. She would mention it to him, he will laugh it off and just say it's because you are jealous because he is seeing someone and you want him back.
I wouldn't. Abusers don't change and his bad behaviour will soon break through. An ex of mine left me in a carbon copy of how he left his previous partner for me. He has now moved on from her too. It's like knitting.....repeat pattern until work measures 23cm ending on a WS row! He even used many of the phrases on her he used on me. I apologised to his ExP in a note saying I was sorry I disbelieved her. After he left I found out some mind boggling stuff from a mate of his who was trying to make me feel better. Enjoy the freedom of a bullet dodged. Grass on him and a world of hurt may open up that you had not anticipated cos even if you do it via SS he will still suspect you.
OP - don't step into the ring with an abuser at the very least he will smear-campaign you; you will be mentally ill and unstable and green with envy at worst he will launch a hate campaign of epic proportions against you that could make your life miserable for a considerable amount of time.
sadly, even if you told, chapter and verse, the new p wouldn't believe you, would even say you are jealous, or "I can handle him, he wouldn't do it to me" I had the same, told sil's new gf the truth how he almost totally destroyed dd's life and her children's, left her homeless and penniless, and guess what, the same happened to her! so, imho, put your energies on your own life, move forward and thank your lucky stars you are free. he won't change, just be thankful you can change your life.
CuntyBunty, I'd love to go round naming and shaming the bastards too, but as some posters have said, an ex telling you that your new love is an arsehole will never be taken seriously - he will have primed the new woman by telling her that his ex is a nutter/psycho/still loves him and wants him back etc.
Rather than making it about the man I'd rather see women empowered to call out the bastards on their EA behaviour, retain their independence and an escape route in case things go tits up and to have the confidence to walk away.
Knowing that someone can be violent isn't enough in itself to make some people leave - I 'allowed' my ex to push me, crush my fingers, bite my face and strangle me. I split up but we still got back together after that It wasn't until he lied about smoking weed that I finally dumped him. Do I wish I could warn his now wife? Yes, but would she believe me? Probably not, and if she did, she's in love with him, would swear that he's changed, he was only like it because I was a deranged loon etc.
I just think it will paint the OP in an unfavourable light, regardless of how subtle or minimal her message.
I think alerting SS is the better idea, especially if she has children. It will be better coming from them.
Thank you Cuntybunty. I can understand why a professional would get into trouble for telling someone's employers, but don't understand why I can't say to someone "he hit me. Make sure he doesnt do it to you". Surely I'm not breaking any laws?
Just watch that he can't figure out it was you. Or it could make your life difficult.
I think that is often why it is not passed on, this information - the fear of reprisal.
Tell her. You owe him nothing and you will be able to live with yourself if he hurts her.
I think we should all be singing like canaries, naming and shaming, openly pointing fingers in the street at these "specimens". I'd love a bit more of a backlash and some direct action, so I am at the extreme end of the scale when it comes to that.
I think Couple of months is rushing, when you both have children and one of you is in the middle of being divorced for unreasonable behaviour?
Should add most of the abuse was directed at me but because he did it in front of DS army reported him as a child protection risk. With DS be was just a bit inconsistent, all over him one day and then cold and critical the next. He is better with DS now than he used to be.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.