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How do you deal with mind games, being belittled, lied about and denial?

30 replies

Blinkers · 03/01/2014 20:23

Hi to everyone. I'm a newbie and came across this forum a few days ago and want to ask for some advice after a hellish month. I've been with my partner for nearly 10yrs we don't have young dependent children which is probably just as well, and we live together.

I don't know where to start and I find it really hard to describe what has happened without sounding like a paranoid, gibbering idiot or an attention seeker. My OH is a professional older man with a large circle of acquaintances. He comes across as a very laid back, easy to talk to man with a wide range of interests. Superficially he doesn't show any signs of being a bully or controller or liar. Over time I've found that he has never really had a long term relationship and can't really explain why but it was the woman's fault or their high powered job got in the way. Over the years he has run down my jobs either directly or indirectly: "that's de-skilling you" or "my mate is doing a really moronic job" exactly the same work I was doing. My appearance has been chipped away at " I won't take that photo too close or it will show all your imperfections" or "where's that nice skirt?" - the one which is one size too small. "Mental illness runs in my family" my sister was on anti depressants. When I used to go out he would want at least a day's notice and recently had a go at me when a friend couldn't give me notice about a meet up.

He has misrepresented people to me, either their character or what they've been doing. When I've questioned some of this he's laughed and said I take things too literally, he's only kidding. He has lied about me to some of his friends who believe it's him who's bullied etc so I get the double whammy of his friend's annoyance. To some of his friends I'm probably an evil old witch.

He wants to know my work rota for the week but he will not always share his with me. Same goes for a lot of things - he should have open access to me but not vice-versa. He used to go through my bag and phone but I've secured those. I have done that back to him and he did not like it.

In the recent past I've challenged his behaviour but he would go round in circles or off on tangents. I would usually give up. A lot of my own reasoning and words are now thrown back at me so it's impossible to have any discussion. He has physically threatened me in the past and recently grabbed me around the throat, not hard, but enough to put the wind up me. Later I kicked him in the butt without shoes. Not great, is it?

I've spoken to a few people trained in this area but they're overburdened with violent cases or it's been too expensive to continue. As I'm writing this I wonder if he will see this and use this against me - that I am doing this to him. I have a very low paid job but I am crushed at the moment and I really want to build myself up to get the hell away from this. How do I protect myself? I don't want to dish his own behaviour back to him. I also hate how this plays in the background but can never be talked about. We've been sitting here and he's trying to talk about normal things, it's mad! He knows he does it but can't stop, I think he's proud of this.

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Hassled · 03/01/2014 20:26

Why the hell are you with him? And for 10 years? With no kids? Run for the hills. Start making plans now.

You've asked how you deal with it - you can't ever deal with it. You can't change him and you can't win. All you can do is walk away.