Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Bills when moving in with the BF!(72 Posts)
I would like to get peoples opinion on the following situation please?!
A man with his own house asks his gf to move in with him. They are both very much in love & have discussed wanting a family together in the near future.
What would be fair for her to pay towards the bills? How is it best to work out grocery shopping?
Need more information, very difficult to put forward suggestions without more details.
Can you tell us first what you two have already discussed between you. No point in us making x,y,z suggestion and you posting later saying that they've already been dismissed or agreed.
More information too is needed re relative salary for each, does the gf have her own commitments such as a house of her own perhaps bringing in a rental income etc.
It's interesting that you've written the post in third person. Is this information for you or for someone else?
I should add that these type of posts make me nervous. This is something that needs discussing between the two of you. It's ok to ask other people what their own arrangements are to maybe get some ideas you hadn't thought of, but managing finances can be a big test of your relationship.
Are you the man, the g/f or some third party? It will depend a lot on relative income. There's no one right answer therefore but all financial arrangements should be agreed before any bags are packed or keys copied. All above board.
Also.. on the 'wanting a family together' aspect. Because female financial dependency is something of a pet hate of mine, do make sure the g/f realises that - even if she contributes financially and even if she has children - she has no rights over the home she will now live in unless there is some formal joint ownership structure in place or she marries the man.
Part of me doesnt think salary is relevant. This situation must happen all the time & so I thought people would have a feel for what they think is fair.
He is on very good wage, & manages his household costs & outgoings fine. I am on an ok wage with loans to pay so I dont have much disposable income.
From what I have witnessed he spends a fortune in the supermarket, where as I would usually budget & would only spend £30 a week on food.
You could split bills 50/50, given that you'll both be using the gas, electric, etc.
You could split the bills proportionally based on income - e.g. if he earns 70% of the income, he pays 70% of the bills, she pays 30%.
Those are the most popular methods I've seen. If you're earning about the same, I'd go for #1.
Of course salary is relevant if you're talking about becoming a family. Because then everyone's money is 'family money' and the object of the exercise is fairness and proportionality. If you want to be his lodger OTOH then offer him £250/month which is what he'd get if he did the Rent a Room scheme and tip up for half the grocery bills.
My answer would be different for a more casual relationship, but as you mention children I shall assume that both parties intend this to be a "forever" relationship.
In which case, I would advise remortgaging in joint names and each paying an amount towards mortgage and all bills proportionate with income.
I personally think it would be fair if the boyfriend wanted to legally ring fence the existing equity in the house though. However, I would propose that that changes if a family is started.
Prior to starting a family, I actually think the girlfriend would be better off saving for a deposit on her own place, paying no more to the boyfriend than it was costing for her to be there, with the aim to get her own mortgage on an investment property. But I am very big on financial independence, and don't think the girlfriend should even think about a family until she knows that she has that.
I recommend being careful and listen carefully to Cogito. If your incomes are quite different, then a 50/50 split of all bills will leave your BF with disposable income but not you. That's not an equitable outcome that will help your relationship long term.
And you also need to think hard about what the financial agreement will be if you have children together. Will you stay at home, with no independent income? Potentially forfeiting not just income but longer term savings (including for - long way off, but still - old age)?
This doesn't add up to "don't do it" but it does mean that you need to think the options through.
Good luck and hope it all works out beautifully
Seen your second post, not sure what the third party stuff was all about?
You still have loans to pay off, so my first question is whether moving in would cost you more than currently? You might be in a cheap HMO, social housing, cheap with parents...? If it will cost you more, I'd concentrate in paying off your loans first, move in after.
But if it's cheaper... personally I'd go 50/50 but that was what made me comfortable (we bought together but he earned about 60% of our household income).
I'd advise proportionate though.
But in groceries... go proportionate on what you're prepared to pay in total. If he has more expensive tastes, don't fund them.
Thanks for the replies.
I am feeling a bit uneasy because I have just left my job so that I can move in with him, as the commute would not have been possible. This way I can attend interviews easily when living in the area.
He has been very supportive telling me how much he wants us to live together & not to worry If I dont get a job straight away etc he can support me.
Then out of the blue he said I know you will want to pay half of the bills & listed sky at £60pm. This took me by surprise.
I know we should have discussed it before!! However we didnt, I thought he would have waited for me to be in a permanent job.
We are very different when it comes to money, how much we have, how much we spend on things. It does worry me.
Also - what is near future for starting a family? I think it should be after the loans are paid off, whether you do that yourself or whether your boyfriend pays them off for you.
I'd also advise having a look at why your boyfriend earns more than you. Is he older? Made bigger career decisions - like moving location or companies for opportunities? Is this a good time for you to concentrate on your career, retrain etc before you start a family? (Channelling Xenia here!) but let's not just accept you have to work with a salary differential - maybe you can increase yours!
Oh dear. If you can, get your job back now and don't move in. He's a tightwad and he lied to you about supporting you. Those are two big red flags.
You will be completely financially dependant on him. That is never a good situation to be in. I'm surprised you didn't discuss all this before giving up your job
"We are very different when it comes to money,"
I have no statistics to support this but I think money differences split up 10x more couples than sex problems and affairs combined. You've made yourself dependent on him. BIG mistake.
It's almost always the women that do this, isn't it? Makes me so cross, not at you personally but that it happens.
So now you've given up your job FOR HIS CONVENIENCE. And what might that mean? That as you're jobless you grab the first job local to him that you can. NO! If you change job it should be for YOU. A career move - more money, opportunities etc. Or just something you prefer. Less money even, if you still have enough. Is his area one that offers the same or better job opportunities? You read so often on here of women moving to the sticks and lowering their prospects.
Why have you quit your job when you have loans to pay?!
Can you reverse this?
I'd say don't move in, but look hard for a better job than you had, near him. Then everyone wins.
You've done the moving. I think you should have x months to find the RIGHT job. Not any job, the one that will make you happy and improve your career. In that time you should pay nothing if not working. If he doesn't like that, he's not the one to be with, move in with, start a family with.
I'd propose proportional in the short term - again, if he doesn't like that, he's not the one for you.
And children only after marriage /or the house is jointly yours.
How long have you been going out with him?
Seems you're already there?
TELL HIM THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU AGREED.
If you feel you can't tell him, then this relationship isn't a good one. It needs work, or it needs ending.
I note you say looking for a permanent job - does that mean you have temp work now? So he may not be going back on the agreement, just you think it meant when you were in permanent work?
Btw - my ex and I split everything 50/50 and it really riled me that I was paying £50 towards sky that I didn't care about... and that's when money wasn't tight!
"I know you will want to pay half of the bills"
That uneasy feeling you have are the amber flags waving and they're starting to go a bit red.
Is there any way you could get your old job back?
He is older. Before I was living with the parents & it was cheap for me.
We both love each other & I feel confident that we will last & have a family etc Been together 9 months.
I wanted opinions without saying too much because I wanted to see peoples first thoughts on a basic situation, but everyone is very inquisitive
I was feeling very confident before because he reassured me! It was discussed about not getting any job & him wanting me to be happy, he kept saying he can support me until I get the right job, he said the only thing that was important was that we wanted to be with each other as the commute has been difficult for us.
The area will have jobs for me. I am applying to ones all the time & think it will be fine, but his half bills comment did make me feel uncomfortable. I think his timing was very off.
Im not in huge debt or anything. I manage my finances fine, but I do budget & he doesnt have the same money worries as me.
What's the betting he'll be keen for the OP to get any old job* and then get pregnant because, well, that job the OP has isn't much cop.
* the pressure to do this will escalate quickly
Tell him he knows perfectly well that you gave up your job to move in with him on the basis that he said he'd support you until you found a new one, and therefore he must know you can't pay half the bills until you have. I would also tell him that you can live without Sky and that whilst you will do food shops yourself for both of you, you don't share his expensive tastes or have his means and so won't tolerate a situation where he turns up with a receipt and demands half of it repaid.
I have to say, though, I would be both furious and worried if I was in your shoes. Be very, very firm about this with him. You are already in debt and you want to clear it, not build up more to save face or avoid making waves.
If we're inquisitive it's because you seem to have had zero curiosity about him up to now. The questions we're asking, you should have asked. Sorry but you are sleepwalking into all kinds of shit here.
Well, it was inconvenient for him more, wasn't it?
He gains: no commute issue (bet it was you travelling to him more anyway, cos of him having a house) and financially gains by having his bills reduced
He loses: nothing
You gain: no commute
You lose: your job, your cheap digs...
I bet you did more of the commuting, and at more cost, too. Just a hunch.
Look, he might be lovely, and this might all be a misunderstanding. In which case, it's easily cleared up:
Just tell him. You want to pay proportionally on essentials and have a clear agreement on extras. My ex and I had very different attitudes to money, but it was OK cos I was independent, and reasonably well off as a couple. So when he wanted steak AGAIN, I didn't resent it.
Actually - we had a shared account for fixed bills, but shopping it was "who ever does the shop pays the bill". So if he shopped there might be steak, if I shopped there'd only be steak if it had a reduced sticker! But it worked OK for us. (ex for other reasons!)
There'll be exceptions, but 9 months is no time to know if it will work out. So forget my comments about joint mortgage.
But he shouldn't make a "profit" from you, when you've moved for him, chucked in your job for him, and have loans to pay.
Forget kids for now - give your relationship the test of time first.
Propose a proportional split, and if he has ANY issue with that, you know he's not a man that will make you happy.
Join the discussion
Please login first.