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Really need some advice about ds and dp

(82 Posts)
primrose22 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:31:12

My ds got very upset yesterday, he tends to be a 'bottle it up' type but he opened up to me last night and I am now so torn sad He said that he 'sort of' doesn't want dp to live with us anymore, which I presume is him trying to minimise the fact he doesn't want him here at all?
Dp isn't his df but has been in his life since he was 3, he is now 9. They are very close and my ds is spontaneously cuddly with dp and will often choose to spend time with dp over anyone else. Confusingly he often asks why we aren't married!
Now, my dp has type 1 diabetes and when he is out of balance is very unrecognisable and gets very irrational, angry and at times (for a few hrs) extremely hard to live with. Ds admitted he is scared when he's like this and worries about it happening. Both of us hate the dcs seeing him like this and always talk openly after it happens and try and reassure them. Dp is trying very hard to keep his blood level and has a drs appt tomorrow to ask for extra help. When he is in balance, he is a loving, kind and incredibly supportive dp and step father and he is devastated about the way ds feels.
What on earth do I do? Nothing is more important to me than my dcs happiness but both myself and dd would hate dp to leave and I honestly think ds would be devastated too. Dp is determined to do whatever is best for the dcs and although he is hiding it from the children he is distraught about it all.
Thank-you for getting this far, any advice very very welcome.

glastocat Fri 03-Jan-14 01:14:53

Diabetes can be terribly hard to manage. my step dad was diagnosed type one aged thirty, so has had it for over thirty years. He is extremely diligent about taking his bloods and controlling his diet but can still go low without any seeming cause or warning, and it can be quite frightening for those around him. Luckily my mum is with him most of the time and is very good at spotting signs of a hypo, the doctor says she is probably the reason he is still alive. When not having a hypo my step dad is the mildest mannered person you could hope to meet. He did actually have to give up work in his 30s partly due to this, it can be an extremely debilitating illness and affect some people much worse than others. So you have my sympathies OP, but your husband must manage his illness strictly, my stepdad has been told by his doc that it is only his diligence keeping him alive.

Jaffacakesallround Fri 03-Jan-14 08:37:07

I hope you all get on ok at the drs today- maybe come back and tell us?

One thing that struck me was...

your DS appears to think that your DP is 'disposable' and this along with his comments about why you aren't married to each other raises some alarm bells with me.

What's your take on it?

Even though they get on well- you said- he doesn't seem to think of your DP as a permanent fixture. I wonder if you were married if he'd still say the same thing?

Has he been given any impression that your DP is not permanent in your life or that your relationship is less than stable?

Yes, you ought to put your children first, but I'm still left wondering why a 9 yr old feels he can call the shots about his mum's relationships . I suppose one lesson he needs to learn is that you/ one doesn't ask people to move out just because times are tough. Giving in to this would, in my view, would not teach him that relationships have to be worked at when times get tough.

And- as an aside- if it were to make him happier for you to be married, and maybe he'd feel more secure, is that something you and DP would consider?

primrose22 Fri 03-Jan-14 10:49:58

Ace, its really interesting to read your post and you sound as though your diabetes is well under control, as someone mentioned previously it affects individuals differently and your symptoms of being low are very different to dps, we actually find the lows easy to manage (although I appreciate being very low is life threatening) Its being high that is the issue and sometimes despite all his best efforts he cannot get his level down quick enough sad
Thanks again, I am overwhelmed by everyone taking the time to offer opinions and advice!
The drs went well, the change of gp was a good move and he will be referred to the diabetic team at our local hospital. The dr agrees that the pump is the way forward, a relief as the previous dr flatly refused to even discuss it.
My ds is fine today, we spoke last night and he said he was sad about dp being diabetic, we had a good chat and I talked about his appt, ds initially was keen to come with us but changed his mind when we told him how early it was! I hate to think he's worried and will continue to talk to him.

primrose22 Fri 03-Jan-14 10:59:36

Luna, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, it really is a horrible condition sad

Jaffa, its interesting what you say about ds not seeing dp as being permanent. On the face of it dp is very much part of the family, he's very involved with all aspects of dcs lives etc I was slow to introduce him to them and very careful to not get into deep until I was sure about the dcs felt about things. Maybe I let them dictate too much? For example, it was them that suggested dp started living with us (I was more than ready by then but didn't want to rush things!) At the time it seemed really sweet but looking back it does look as though they were in charge, or maybe I'm over thinking things after not enough sleep.

OctaviusAce Fri 03-Jan-14 13:16:29

Primrose - interesting that it's the highs causing the problem. I haven't come across that before. It certainly does effect everyone differently.

A few thoughts:

Good to hear you are being referred to the Diabetes team at your local hospital. They are far and away a better resource for answers/advice than your GP. That isn't meant with disrespect to GPs, but a diabetes specialist nurse at your hospital will be in daily contact with Drug companies, Diabetic consultants, dieticians. They really are fantastic - you will be pleasantly surprised.

One strong recommendation I have, is that your DP looks at courses such as the DAFNE course. All hospitals should run one or two of these a year. Your DP will learn a hell of a lot on one of these. I went on one grudgingly last year, thinking I already knew everything there was to know - I was proved wrong very quickly:

If your DP is struggling to bring his glucose down quickly enough - it might be worth asking the hospital if he could be resistant to insulin. After going on the DAFNE course, I found I had developed a strong resistance to insulin over the years, particularly in the mornings. Am currently hoping to go on Metformin to help with this.

If you're looking at pumps, you could also ask the hospital about a Continuous Monitoring device. These are currently only used on the NHS for young children, so you'd have to pay a portion of the cost. I've looked at this, and it was around £180 per month at my hospital. Maybe not an option, but worth bearing in mind. Pumps have their drawbacks, but are incredibly easy to "install" now. I haven't come across anyone who went to a pump, but then went back to pens.

Will send you a PM about other bits & bobs which aren't currently mainstream in the UK at the moment.

primrose22 Fri 03-Jan-14 14:05:27

Thanks ace, your obviously very knowledgeable. He has done the dafne course, although it was some time ago. The gp who he no longer goes to, was actually very dismissive and critical about dafne which I guess is quite telling. He's supposedly our practices diabetic specialist! Anyway, any other information would be great, thank-you.

RandomMess Fri 03-Jan-14 22:35:55

Really pleased that you've been given a referral, I have no personal experience with diabetes I've certainly read accounts of how everyone can differ very much with their reactions to high and lows, and major mood changes being an issue/indicator that things are not ok sugar/insulin wise.

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