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Discovered husband's affair just before Xmas, my life is ruined

(117 Posts)
QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 12:47:02

After various suspicious incidents, all of which he denied, I found all the messages on his phone. Turned out he has been shagging a young colleague for months. I feel so bloody stupid. Have 2 DC of primary age who love their dad and don't understand why I'm angry. He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great.
I feel like I'm staring at the wreckage of the life I thought I had. Have been sobbing and not eating.

DanceWithAStranger Thu 02-Jan-14 13:13:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:14:29

I just don't understand why he did this to me and the kids. He says it is all my fault for neglecting our marriage in favour of the kids. Of course the OW is younger and has no kids so she has all the time in the world to devote to him, forgetting the small detail that he is married.
Our living situation is complex in that we rent a house and also own a new build house which is not yet ready to move into. I had been looking forward to moving into it, decorating it etc. and now this.

bragmatic Thu 02-Jan-14 13:19:07

The "you didn't may me enough attention" thing enrages me. Seriously, it makes me see red.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:19:50

Regarding custody, I live in another European country and it is unlikely that he would get 50:50. The standard here seems to be every other weekend plus half the school holidays. So now he's saying I want to take the kids away from him. When in fact he was rarely at home anyway.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:20:34

I agree say yes to 50/50 and the children will need a year to get used to the new set up before he introduces the ow, he won't last long with that history looking after them on his own.

AliceinWinterWonderland Thu 02-Jan-14 13:21:47

He says it is all my fault for neglecting our marriage in favour of the kids. Of course the OW is younger and has no kids so she has all the time in the world to devote to him, forgetting the small detail that he is married.

Karma. Seriously. If he has the DCs 50:50, then HE will have to neglect his OW, which means she will then be upset that he is neglecting her and she will look elsewhere. Oh, the irony.

He's not good enough for you. Now you can find someone that is.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:22:09

He like many who cheat, he isn't to blame for his own behaviour, he has an entitled attitude and he lives in a fantasy land that twists reality.

stickysausages Thu 02-Jan-14 13:25:17

I'm so sorry sad Hope your appointment goes well & you can start to rebuild a new life.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:26:49

There's no way he would get equal custody, he works sixty hours a week and until I found out about the affair he was out several nights a week supposedly seeing work mates but in fact shagging OW.

BalloonSlayer Thu 02-Jan-14 13:29:04

"So now he's saying I want to take the kids away from him."


If you've decided to fuck someone else - you've decided to end your marriage. If you've decided to end your marriage you have decided to upset your children and see them a lot less.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 02-Jan-14 13:30:24

"I just don't understand why he did this to me and the kids."

Because he's a selfish prick.

You and your children are not people to him, you're just objects that he picks up and throws down as he pleases.

You can see this in his childish insistence of getting half of what's "his" (the children's time) despite having been an uninvolved father until now.

And there is no reason to believe that he's going to stop being a selfish, self-serving wanker and suddenly become a good father.

It doesn't sound like he's capable of being a good anything.

WeAreDetective Thu 02-Jan-14 13:30:37

Please, please don't buy into this idea that somehow this is all your fault. It's entirely his own fault for being worthless, faithless prick who cannot keep the commitment he made to both you and his kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:31:11

"I just don't understand why he did this to me and the kids. "

He didn't do anything 'to' you. I have no doubt that you and the kids never even crossed his mind. He fancied a shag and hang the consequences.... selfish, impulsive, reckless. Naturally he can't admit that because it would mean taking some responsibility for his actions. Has to come up with these ridiculous excuses to throw the blame on everyone else.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:32:07

The thing is get your solicitor to write to him and tell him he can have the children Saturday from 6pm until Monday at 12 noon. That you don't want him introducing the ow to the dc until a years time to give them time to get used to the new set up. Watch him backtrack.

Have you heard of transference?

He is trying to take the children from you, he was distracted from the family with his ow, he is blaming you for his behaviour and trying to justify being a cheating arse.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 02-Jan-14 13:33:20

To be honest it sounds like you will be a lot better off without him.

Try not to engage with him if you can help it. How old are your children? Do you have any real life support?

Keep strong sweetheart, this too shall pass.

WeAreDetective Thu 02-Jan-14 13:35:02

Good luck with the appointment. It's really really important to protect yourself financially against someone who has already shown himself capable of lashing out/showing no remorse in the face of his own deceit.

It's a fair bet, in my mind, that the novelty of OW will wear off when she becomes part of his everyday life and is no longer the risky/exciting fun times

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:35:34

Another awful thing was that the OW knew what he was doing every day as he wrote to her saying he had just dropped off the kids at swimming, was just going to the shops and would have time later. He even fucked her on our daughter's 6th birthday.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:38:16

Of course, if she knew he was a mm, she didn't and never will give a care about you and the children, it is all about her and your dh, she wants your life, let her have it, it sounds like hard lonely work.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:40:25

The ow in our case went on to marry exh. I know quite a bit about her and their life, sadly, don't want to know. She is full of life is great look on the bright side all the time. When you look through to the reality her life is worse than it was for me as his wife. I know he was cheating on her from the beginning with her friends too. Let her have what she wants.

Bonsoir Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:21

You don't say which country you are in. If you are in France, your STBXH may well get 50:50 if he asks for it and sets up home in such a way that it is enabled (living within catchment of your DCs' school). So be careful about not fighting it.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:37

how does he propose 50:50 access if he works 60 hours a week? taking emotion out of it - it doesn't seem practicle even if your countries rules don't favour this option.

if he cared about them that much perhaps he should have kept it in his pants - would be my response to him

sad about your new home

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:51

Have you asked him to move out? It must be torture having him in the family home.

So sorry your year is starting like this but it can only improve and you will get a lot of support on here.

Regarding the new build, when will that be ready to move into? That could be the new family home for you and the children.

Shame you can't see a solicitor until next week, is no one available tomorrow?

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:41:59

Yes, she knew he was married and had kids. I sent her a text saying I knew all about the affair and that I hoped she was proud of herself for wrecking a family for the sake of a few sleazy shags. Needless to say she didn't reply.

how awful. sorry to hear you are going through this.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 13:45:15

She will be on to the phone to her friends/family that are interested in this sick game your ex and the ow have going on and your dh being the victim of his evil exwife, they will all be so very excited and thrilled by the drama of it all, don't give her anymore OP.

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