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'If you leave me I'll kill myself'....

(248 Posts)
CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:43:50

Indulge me MN-ers. How many of you had that threatened at some point when you were leaving an abusive bully and how many of the abusive bullies are still with us today?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-Jan-14 08:54:11

The whole thread is a generalisation, of course. However, I hope anyone finding themselves put on the spot by such a threat now has some idea what to do about it rather than - as is usually the intention of the person making the threat - be frightened into staying against their will believing it will be all their fault if the person carries it out.

In short... police, ambulance, pass on the Samaritans number or just walk away.

PPaka Wed 08-Jan-14 09:12:34

What do you do when he's threatening it and he's not in your house?
Like its a general threat, "I will do it soon"

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-Jan-14 09:30:39

@Ppaka if they are not in your home and you have no reason to contact them then go strict NC. If you have to be in contact (if there are children for example) then narrow down the opportunities they have to make contact to written only. If all that fails then same advice applies. Send in the emergency services, give him the Samaritans number or simply ignore.

Allergictoironing Wed 08-Jan-14 10:40:46

PPaka I would generally tend to think that if it's only you he's making these threats of suicide to, then it's aimed at you rather than how he feels about himself?

PPaka Wed 08-Jan-14 12:34:20

Yes definitely Allergic, it's an attempt to get me not to separate

AdoraBell Thu 09-Jan-14 03:28:13

Then it's confirming that you should seperate PPaka. Do as already suggested and try not To engage. If DCs involved keep communication in writing and relevant only To access, pick and drop off times. If he calls "sorry, can't talk right now/can't hear you, send me an email"

paperlantern Thu 09-Jan-14 07:03:58

to a general threat the response is the same. "Here is the number of the smaritans"

you don't need to engage any further, you don't even need to do that. The only person's mental health you are responsible for is your own (and dependent children)

atthestrokeoftwelve Thu 09-Jan-14 07:09:20

No but I have had an ex threatening to kill me after I left. He told me he would kill me when I least expected it in the street somewhere.

I still left- that was 18 years ago- never heard from him since.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jan-14 09:24:44

Did you contact the police about that threat atthestrokeoftwelve?

atthestrokeoftwelve Thu 09-Jan-14 09:29:21

No I didn't. I was afraid of aggravating him even further.Although I had left him he knew my place of work, where i lived, my family etc, so hard to hide. Thankfully we had no children, but he had been violent towards me during the relationship. I did live in fear for a year or so and would avoid going out in the evenings alone, but as time passed that eased.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 13:41:28

No threat of suicide, but yesterday DH threatened to "burn the house down", that "nothing would survive" and that I would "get nothing" if we separate.

Does that alone qualify him as an abusive bully?

bibliomania Thu 09-Jan-14 13:42:46

Wanted - yes. Yes it does, absolutely.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jan-14 13:46:00

'Nothing would survive' sounds like a direct threat to me. Remember the tragic case of Christopher Foster's family? Worth taking seriously but doesn't mean you shouldn't separate, of course.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 13:54:38

Thank you bibliomania for your quick answer. I am startled by its strength.

Of course, there is much more and a long back-story, and there are some things long ago that I am ashamed of. But I don't think that anything justifies the many nasty things that he has said.

I am plucking up the courage to start my own thread.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 14:03:54

I have just looked at the Christopher Foster case. Chilling.

bibliomania Thu 09-Jan-14 14:14:26

Wanted, I think it would be a good idea to start your own thread. Also, are you on this thread? I recommend. The women there know what you are going through.

You often hear the analogy of a frog in boiling water - the frog would jump out immediately if it fell into a pan where the water was boiling, but if he starts off in cold water, he won't get out as it heats up, as it all happens so gradually. Imagine when you were dating, if your H had said those things - you'd have run for the hills, wouldn't you? It is a really terrible thing to say, and I don't care what you've done, you don't deserve that. It sounds like you've learned to minimise things in your own mind for a long, long time.

WantedAboutTheMincePies Thu 09-Jan-14 14:27:44

Thank you bibliomania for the frog analogy and the thread link. I have been lurking on that and several other threads for a while now, and am beginning to realise just how hot the water has become.

My memory plays tricks with me and I quickly "forget" things he has done and said. I found it easy to note yesterday's remarks on this thread but I am having trouble summarising my complete story.

Thumbwitch Thu 09-Jan-14 14:41:15

Wanted - sounds like you're in a dangerous situation - I hope you can find a way to get yourself and any DC to safety. x

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 09-Jan-14 14:48:13

Apparently my mother told my father she would kill herself if he left her. I think this was before he got her pregnant. This meant that when I was ill and told him I wanted to die he thought back to my mother's threat and gave me no support. All are still alive.

bibliomania Thu 09-Jan-14 15:31:10

Wanted, I know exactly what you mean about forgetting - after an "incident" with my ex, it used to feel to me as if my brain was leaking. I strongly recommend a diary (keep in a safe place!) or even logging incidents in a thread here. It helps you see patterns and realize how bad things are, and later, when you leave, it keeps your resolve strong and stops you going back. And if you do end up in a dispute about child contact etc, it can be a pratical help too.

It's okay to lurk for a bit before plunging it. It takes a while to get your head around it, but once you've started to see, it becomes harder and harder to unsee.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-Jan-14 15:35:51

"My memory plays tricks with me and I quickly "forget" things he has done and said"

That's a defence mechanism to help you cope with painful events. Quite normal but, over time, will desensitise you to the point where you can tolerate what others would find abhorrent. Hence why you're startled by the reaction.

Worth starting your own thread with just a small piece of information. As more things happen you can add to it.

Jux Thu 09-Jan-14 15:48:35

Wanted, don't worry about summarising the complete story. Get some important bits down, then more as they come to your mind. People will ask questions, which will help you get more things sorted out. It sounds like you need some serious support. Have you tried Women's Aid?

And yes, definitely manipulative and abusive. If you can, call the police and tell them.

catgirl1976 Thu 09-Jan-14 16:28:39

Yes. I have had that

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