MIL wants to be mum

[BoyTwinsMum]

I would be very grateful for any advice on this. A few weeks ago my mother in law told one of my twins (boys age 6) that she wanted to be their mother. He then elaborated when recounting this to me, saying my MIL wanted to overthrow me and kill me and be the queen of this family. I don't quite know why he elaborated like this but he insisted that she had said to him that she wanted to be their mother and look after them.
That twin is currently staying with MIL and FIL as the other twin has had pneumonia and is with me 400 miles away at my mum's.
When I phoned my son at their house he said "mummy" very excitedly but then said- you are not my mummy any more, nanny is. MIL shouted out: "just while you're not here of course." FIL snatched the phone and said: that's ridiculous, it's just something he's made up and sought to reassure me.
Since I had the twins i have had a strained relationship with my MIL. It is obvious that she feels jealous of me and I secretly feels she hates me as she is always sending cutting texts and emails.
Please does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this? Thanks very much!

[JingleJemJem]

Oh that sounds very odd. I was all for cutting her some slack and saying maybe your DS had been saying he wanted his mummy and she said something like I can be your mummy while you're here (which would still be a bit strange but probably well intentioned), but coupled with the cutting emails etc I wouldn't be happy. Have you talked to your partner about this?

[BoyTwinsMum]

Thank you for your reply! Yes, I have but he never wants to rock the boat and whenever I say anything against her he says how sad he is that we don't get on. He is aware though that I do try very hard. She recently had heart trouble and I would send similar emails/texts to her wishing her well as my husband was sending. He would get back lovely kisses and I would get things like: "of course I'm not alright" and "don't you realise how serious this is". I showed my husband and he could see she was upsetting me and being unreasonable. But he'd rather do nothing. If it was the other way round and my mum was giving my husband a hard time (she never does) I would give her a rocket! So I'm slowly learning to stand up for myself!

[fuzzywuzzy]

I'd get my DS back and once he was safely under my roof I'd never speak to the woman again and she'd never see my children again.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Hi BoyTwinsMum.
What fuzzywuzzy said, sorry.

What your son revealed was a bit of unvarnished truth, imho. Please, do not ignore it.

Emotionally disconnect from her totally...do not expect anything from her and do not depend on her for anything. If you are caught in circumstances where you must speak to her: polite civility, say nothing of a personal nature, say nothing negative in her presence. Otherwise, stop communicating with her, stop reading and responding to texts and emails; if she phones hand it straight to dh (or get caller ID and don't pick up/insist dh get it). Any contact goes through your dh, he is the ambassador to his family of origin.

Fil...is trying to erase it with manipulative statements on how 'you should take it'. He does not have the full picture, though, assuming mil would not let him screen the antagonizing texts before she sends them to you. His input is designed to make you doubt yourself, doubt your instincts.
I'd say pish posh to him, he can think what he likes.

Your dh may be in a difficult position, but, from reading this board for so long, his circumstances will require a serious decision: who comes first-you or his mother? Yes, ulitmately, it does come down to that. His mother is an adult and will choose however much (honestly or dishonestly) she will be upset or angry or devastated or shocked or ...on and on. You can not influence her feelings. Your dh can not influence her feelings. She has him believing otherwise and enjoys copious amounts of control over him because of it. He is walking on eggshells.

[DullDullard]

Your MIL sounds batshit crazy.

How much longer is your son there for?

Tbh I would be wanting to get him home asap. Its the stuff he is not telling you because he does not realise its being planted is what would worry me. I imagine there will also be some very low level comments/conversation to plant certain seeds in his head. Without being melodramatic but like a slow burn brain wash.

Your MIL sound toxic and deranged and she has issues with you and yes is probably jealousy.

I have had odd behaviour from my MIL over the years (not to this level though) which has purely been down to jealousy and knowing she is not in full control and has the last say on things with regard to my DDs. They are teens now and she has been so suffocating they cannot bare to be near her but will happily see my parents.

Your DH needs to man up and stand up to his mum. Until he realises this you need to make some strong decisions and follow them through. You will get the blame and the shit for any refusal of future visits or only allowing supervised ones etc but she has already decided you are wrong/crap in all you do, so even if it was your husband to put his foot down you would still be getting the blame from her. So just be brave and stick up for yourself and your kids.

In short her behaviour is sick and twisted and I dont think she is safe to be around your children unsupervised by you.

[Monty27]

I'd be getting my ds away from there forthwith. And re-evaluate relationships

[ohfourfoxache]

Christ on a bike

Get your ds back ASAP and if there really does have to be contact then make sure that you are always there to supervise. If she doesn't like in then tough, she doesn't get to see the dcs.

She's beyond batshit, she's toxic.

[campion]

Why not ask her if she actually said this?6 yr olds
aren't always reliable witnesses and he must be pretty confused at the moment.

To describe her as sick and twisted is a little extreme.I'd go for the frank discussion/clear the air approach before doing anything dramatic.

[Jengnr]

Get him home.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Calm down everyone. The ILs are in loco parentis. Shorthand for 'I'm in charge' is 'I'm your mother'.... like those old sergeant majors in charge of National Service recruits. Perspective required.

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

Are you in a position to get the children back op?

I'd not go so far as cutting contact but i would take back control - get him back and tell her you're not comfortable with her strange approach to being a grandparent. Your DH needs a kick up the arse.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not strange!!! The kid's away from home, he's designated Granny in the 'Mummy' role (i.e. doing the things the OP would normally do) and she's going along with the pretence.

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

Cogito - of course its strange. I taught Reception age - sometimes they'd call me Mummy. I laughed but corrected too. The children have a mummy and don't need another, just a gran.

[DontmindifIdo]

Hmm, on it's own, not that strange and explainable, however given your tricky relationship, I'd suggest she's probably not been as nice about you as you'd like to your DS.

Sadly, I'd say as soon as possible, get your DS back and she doesn't get contact without you or DH there again.

[Theironfistofarkus]

I am afraid some MIL do wish they were mothers to their GP. Mine certainly does and hates the fact that she does not have the final say about what they can and cannot do. She is furious if I disagree with her plans for activities for the DC and uses emotional blackmail to try to get her own way. However she does love my Dc and they her so I have resorted to standing my ground where needed but otherwise just polite greetings and no further conversation. I think you should tell her (perhaps through your Dh) that referring to herself as Mum is not acceptable and hurtful even as a game and particularly when you are in such difficult circumstances. Then I would give up the friendly texts and remain polite but firm with her.

Ps my MIL still hates me as but at least I feel I am doing the right thing and I see her hatred as her issue

[HissymasJumper]

I'm growling from here!

The background comment from your MIL that you overheard confirms what your DS said, the mil and fil are mitigating it

Get your son back and don't allow her contact again.

when she kicks off, tell her that the boys have a mother and that's how it'll stay. Tell her she needs help if she thinks that's a right thing to do.

Does she favour one child over the other?

[Jaffacakesallround]

I'd say cutting contact is rather OTT at this stage.

Have a chat with her maybe- woman to woman? Be frank and ask her what's going on.

It may be nothing more than she's told him 'You have to do as I say when you are here because I'm your 'mummy'' kind of thing.

I think it's hard for GP when they are trying to find boundaries- eg I had to ask mine not to smack my children when they (GPs) were staying with me! Once my mum left in a huge rage ( taxi to station, train 350 miles home) because she'd slapped my son when he'd been verbally rude to her ( in her view) and I objected to the slapping.

So it's not just PIL that can be the issue!

Talk to her and just be honest about your feelings on it.

[Jaffacakesallround]

Oh and while we're on the topic my MIL used to sign herself as MY mum when she sent cards etc! I had to get her out of that by always referring to her by her name eg- Anna- and not calling her mum. She got the message and from then on would sign cards etc Anna.

[Polynomial]

He's 6, he's just trying to keep her happy.

When I was 11 my family went to stay with some of my dad's family. They asked me if I wanted to stay - I said yes (just being kind), next thing they want me to live with them permanently, as they could "bring me up better". Bye the way, my mum had had years of shit off them, and this was the final straw to reduce contact to the minimum.

I don't think there's any "mis-understanding", your MIL is trying to oust you, and keep your DS from his twin.

I would get your son back and restrict contact.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"Oh and while we're on the topic my MIL used to sign herself as MY mum when she sent cards etc! I had to get her out of that by always referring to her by her name eg- Anna- and not calling her mum. She got the message and from then on would sign cards etc Anna."

Wow, great that she "got the message" that her son had married a hostile woman who made massive great fusses about things that don't matter a tiny little fuck.

She signed her cards to YOU "mum"?

And instead of thinking that was sweet and old fashioned you made a big song and dance about calling her by her first name?

Well done.

You won a very important battle against a very dangerous foe there.

[Jaffacakesallround]

Oh FGS- I really think this has got out of perspective!

It's nothing more than 'I'm your mummy now when mummy isn't here.'

All this speculation about them almost kidnapping the child is really, really silly.

2 phone conversations when you are 400 miles away doesn't show or prove anything.

Talk about over reacting!

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I doubt she's evilly trying to take over your child. I can imagine the conversation.

Grandma I'm missing Mummy.
We'll, I'll be your Mummy (ie take care of you) while you're here.

Some of the responses in here are frankly hysterical.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Good God what a load of hysterical over-reaction.

[Jaffacakesallround]

Join- you feel better for that now?

Nice of you. Happy new year to you too.