WWYD - Toxic people doing you a huge favour

[Bogeyface]

We were in a bind a couple of weeks ago, literally no where to turn and had no choice but to accept an offer of help from H's mum who had been incredibly badly behaved towards us. I have posted about her before on here and the general consensus was that we were right to go NC. It wasnt just her who was vile and cruel but her other DC too.

The problem is that H now wants to make up with them, but I dont. I know in my heart that this help, whilst much appreciated by us (not financial), was given with strings and will not be forgotten. His sister in particular has jumped on this as a way of proving what a bitch I am (she blames me for everything, in this instance no blame can be apportioned), and is trying to get him to leave me.

If he wants to contact them again then thats up to him, but he wants to introduce our child to his mum. I know that this is just the thin end of the wedge and before long there will be demands to see DC, demands that she attends family occasions etc. and I dont want that. I dont want DC to be exposed to their toxicity. The sister who is the worst, I genuinely believe has NPD, exacerbated by the fact that none of the family ever stood up to her, I did which is why she hates me!

I dont know how to deal with it. I understand that he feels he should try after the help his mum gave, but I cannot allow my DD to be put at risk of these people. He also wants me to try again with her, and I cant, I just cant.

I saw H in tears after yet another of her calls full of verbal abuse, his confusion on receiving a substantial amount of money and a loving card for his Xmas present a few weeks later, his hurt when she didnt turn up to our wedding......How can he even be thinking of trying to forgive?! He thinks that she has learned her lesson by not being in DDs life, but I dont believe that. All I see is yet another attempt at manipulating us into falling in line...NOT going to happen!

WWYD?

[Bogeyface]

Anyone?

[Flidais]

What a horrible situation. Your Dh will obviously be conflicted because it's his family, but I think you are right to want to go NC if they are as bad as your post suggests. Could you ask Dh what positive things he thinks his mother will bring to your lives and go from there?
Would you be able to arrange things so that you never need to rely on your Mil again? A brisk but civil 'thank you' from both of you should be all that she gets. If she complains, you can say that you haven't forgotten her past behaviour; you have thanked her already (and it was the least he could do considering how she's treated you!)

[pumpkinsweetie]

Bogeyface stately homes on the relationship board may be a good place to post. I have recieved a lot of help on there myself as i have a similar situation of whereby i & dc are non contact with ils due to their behaviours.

I wouldn't let them near your dc, stick to your guns, your dh will in time realise it's for the best.
Some people do not make for good grandparents, and they shouldn't automatically be considered to enter our children's lifes should be choose not to allow them in because of past/future outbursts/violence/toxicity.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I have also been asked to try again, infact dh hinted at this christmas day night and after much explanation and realisation i think i have hit home to him that it won't be happening and the reasons why.

Remind him of how bad it used to be and how much easier & safer life is for your dc now she isn't in it.
As a father he owes it to his children to put their safety above all others and if that means upsetting his mother, she will quite simply have to get used to it.

[Lottapianos]

I would say thank you and then draw a line under it. Toxic people absolutely love and need to be in control and their offers of 'help' always have strings attached. My mother does this - gives me cash gifts out of the blue for no reason. It used to make me feel really guilty but I've started to see it as her choice, accept it, say thank you and not think of it again.

[CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts]

i know this sounds really stupid and obvious - but to some people it is a revelation

tell your dh that his family is you and your child first.

If he wants to maintain a relationship with is mother that is fine, but if so, he cannot expect your family unit to take the brunt of the fall out.

I told my friend this a few months ago - that her partner ( long term) should be the number one person in her life - not her mother

she looked at me cockeyed and was like ....WOW.

some people just need telling the obvious

[pumpkinsweetie]

I'm not to sure about you saying thankyou as that will open a can of worms, i think it's best to keep away, don't answer phone etc. No contact is what it is, don't go back there.
We all fall on hard times, you had no choice but to ask for help, but it doesn't give her the green light to see your dc and enter your lifes once more.

Just remember not to go them next time as they obviously had an elterior motive.

[tribpot]

Did you discuss beforehand how you would deal with the inevitable re-opening of contact that would follow you asking for and accepting their help?

I think it's reasonable that, if your DH feels obliged to maintain contact he can do, but you went NC for a reason and those reasons haven't changed. I would keep your DC away from it.

[Lottapianos]

Remember though, your DH has had this messed up behaviour all his life and is just not able to see things as clearly as you do. I know its massively frustrating to be in your position but this sounds hellishly painful for him. I completely agree with your reading of the situation by the way and your desire to keep your child away from the lot of them