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is this over?

11 replies

untouchable · 28/12/2013 00:25

So hard for me to write this but I have been living in a celibate marriage (not my choice) for last 7yrs. I told dh tonight that we needed to sort this out once and for all tonight as I have been living with empty promises and various excuses all this time and never any change.

It turns out that although he doesn't have the urge to "get started" with me he can manage to type in "porn" on the internet and knock one out occasionally. He knew this was a deal breaker for me before we married. His excuse being "everyone does it" (he does seem to have sleezy mates tbh).

I have gone through low self esteem and depression brought on by his rejection of me but have tried to get my head in a place where I could cope with it because we have a 7yr old who adores him and I suffered some medical problems which mean I no longer have my business. Money is very tight as we have a house we couldn't sell so had to rent it out to cover mortgage which means I can claim no benefits.

I honestly don't know what to do. I have told him he cannot sleep in my bed (no idea why, its not like he would touch me) and that he must go to gp and seek counselling. (not sure what that will do)

I don't think the porn was an addiction (claims it is recent, 2yrs) but he can only put lack of enthusiasm down to our non-existent sex life.

Can anyone shed any light onto what I should do or say?

I obviously love him and he says he loves me.

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CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 28/12/2013 00:32

could be many reasons, i think going to the GP is absolutley the right thing to do, the thing is i think a lot of men are scared about being open to discussing these things, so i would, in your shoes need to absolutely know he went - meet him after the appt for a coffee or something?

does he reject you in general or it is just sexually?

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untouchable · 28/12/2013 00:39

Oh god, thank you for replying custardo. I feel so sick, like I have bought it up and I'm going to ruin everything. I will have to make sure he made the appointment as it took me a couple if years to get him to have his testosterone levels checked and then he wouldn't go back for the follow up. We found out after about 6 months that his levels were fine but he refused any further help from gp as embarrassing.

We have new gp now who has requested him to go in when I revealed my method of contraception.

Will the gp be the one to refer for counselling? I should know all this by now. Have spent years on mn.

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untouchable · 28/12/2013 00:42

I'm sorry, what do you mean by "reject me in general"? He is not very affectionate if that is what you mean but that is just his way.

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Leavenheath · 28/12/2013 01:18

I don't see how a GP can help a bloke who hasn't lost his sex drive or his desire to orgasm, whose hormone levels have already been checked and are fine.

There isn't a medical cure for chronic selfishness and I don't see how counselling would help much either.

Some blokes prefer porn to sex.

Those who do shouldn't be in monogamous relationships and make empty promises to change, while enforcing celibacy on their partners.

Stay with him if you think it's the lesser of two evils financially, but if you make that active choice, accept that it means not having a sex life with him and that your daughter will see a rather odd version of a marriage with her parents showing no affection and sleeping in separate rooms.

Someone will probably be along to suggest you negotiate an open relationship and there might even be some who suggest you take a lover, but I won't presume you would want either of those options even if they were possible.

I'm not you but I couldn't stay in a sexless relationship that was my partner's choice. I wouldn't want my kids to think this was the norm and after 7 years I'd think nothing was likely to change so I would have to enforce that change myself and get out of the relationship.

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FolkGirl · 28/12/2013 02:14

Oh and your 7 yo would still adore him even if you separated.

This is often used as a reason for parents staying together and it's a pretty crap reason.

A good father will maintain that relationship. If they don't, they were never a good father.

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CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 28/12/2013 02:24

if you are in a sexless relationship and you are also in a relationship that isn't affectionate, that must be difficult. Can you laugh with your husband? do you have good conversations, enjoy each other otherwise? these are the things i was alluding to when i asked the question. however, relationships are complicated, and whilst i may think to myself that i could perhaps remain in a sexless relationship if things were good otherwise, leavenheath has hit the nail on the head in that this is being forced on you.

folkgirl is also correct that a good parent is a good parent whether or not the parents stay together.

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untouchable · 28/12/2013 03:10

Thank you all for the replies. Sorry I have been unwell for last couple of hours so couldn't reply.

Apart from the sex yes we do talk and laugh but don't really cuddle. He admitted that we were not 'close' but seems to struggle with knowing how to be. It appears from what he says that he doesn't know how to instigate sex. It usually had to be me that started things off but after a series of rejections (about 18 in a row) I had to stop doing that to myself. The only other time he made some attempt was very clumsy, grabbing at me, not loving so I put a stop to it. I needed more than that after so many years of no intimacy iyswim?
I guess with the porn he doesn't have to worry about technique.
Is the gp the right person to visit for counselling?

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