I feel so broody...but it's not the right time

[LollyPop87]

I don't know why I'm posting really. Just to talk and find out if anyone has been where I am and understands.

I love my dp. We have been together for 2 and a half years and live together. He is wonderful, he enriches my life so much.

I am quite young (25). He is 2 years older. He has a ds who is 7. His ds lives a 3 to 4 hour drive away due to his mum moving away, so dp sees him every other weekend and half of the holidays.

I am so broody. I want a child of my own so very much. It actually aches to think about it. I wouldn't want to have a child with anyone but him.

We spoke about it. I explained how I feel, but also that I know logically that now isn't the right time. I have only just got started on my career. I explained that I always imagined having children with the next 3-4 years. I don't normally plan my life like this. But by telling myself it would happen soon, I was able to keep the broody feelings at bay a little, although even then it wasn't easy.

He wants children too. But, he said he would have to wait until either his ds is old enough to understand (not a specific age, as every child is different). He said it would be so different if his ds lived close and he could see him more regularly. He's understandably worried that it would greatly upset his ds to see his dad with another child, when they can only see eachother fortnightly.

I totally understand how he feels. I would probably feel similar if it was the other way around. I'm just sad, because I don't know how long I'll have to wait.

He completely respects how I feel, and he was so upset. He obviously cannot comprimise how he feels, but is really upset at the thought of me comprimising too. He was worried it woukd be a dealbreaker for in the future. It's not and it won't be, I love him far too much for that to happen.

So, I guess I'm not asking 'what should I do?' because there is nothing to do that I would want to do. I'm just wondering if anyone has ever had similar feelings. We're (me and dp) sure it will happen one day, just not as soon as I hoped. So I'm just wondering how to cope with this achey broodiness that I feel.

Thanks for reading - I think it ended up a little long!

[CailinDana]

Broodiness is awful, it takes over your brain. Hang in there and it will calm down. You're young, there's plenty of time. Is there something else you could channel your energy into? Or a part of the world you'd really like to see?

[LollyPop87]

Thanks for replying :) I think that I should be channeling my energy into my career. I love my job, but ultimately, I would put family first. I would love to travel abit too. Its just so hard, you're right when you say it takes over your brain, its all I can think about.

I wish I could just know that it will happen and it won't be too long. Then maybe I could just enjoy having little responsibility. I think its the mpt knowing that I find hard.

[LollyPop87]

Not* i think its also hard that nearly all my friends have children. I feel like I'm missing out, which I suppose is abit silly.

[CailinDana]

I understand, I felt the same. It is incredibly frustrating. It must be doubly hard as you already have some of the harder aspects of parenting tp deal with in terms of your dp's son without that broody feeling being satisfied. How is your relationship with your dp's son?

[LollyPop87]

You have totally hit the nail on the head. I get on really well with my dp's son, he's a lovely little boy. I do find some aspects of my role hard, because as you say, alot of it involves the harder aspects without that maternal unconditional love. But we do get on really well.

And then, I see how much my dp loves his son, and how amazing their bond is, and it just reminds me of what I feel I'm missing out on.

Can I ask, you say you felt the same, did anything help you to feel better? Or was it more about waiting and trying to focus on other things, if that makes sense?

[Pilgit]

There is nearly never a right time. Practicalities will always get in the way. Careers can be gone back to as life doesn't end when you have children it just need more careful planning! I understand your broodiness but you must both want it at the same time.

[CailinDana]

I got majorly broody when we'd been married about a year and a half but dh wasn't ready. I definitely didn't want to push him into it - I wanted him to be fully on board so I just waited (with difficulty) and started hobbies while I had the time to give to them! Just as I felt the broodiness was fading dh decided he was ready! That pissed me off to be honest but we sorted it out. DS is 3 and DD is 10 months. It's fantastic having children but it is hard. If I could go back to my broody self I'd tell her calm down and enjoy the peace and quiet.

[CailinDana]

Not that she'd listen!

[CailinDana]

I would recommend being married before children - what do you think?

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

Actually I'd say that now or in the next couple of years would potentially be a much better time to have DC than when his DS is a teenager. I don't think that he need feel pushed out at all as long as you think it through and make sure he isn't being pushed out. Things like making sure you keep his bedroom his and don't put the baby in there moving him, etc.

[LollyPop87]

I think I can imagine that happening, sort of looking back and wishing I hadn't worried so much. It's just right now, the feeling is so strong that its hard to see past it.

You're right though, I do need to find something else to focus on. I think its just not knowing how long I'll be waiting for, that makes it incredibly hard.

I would like to be married first, which is another reason that right now isn't the right time. I don't think I'd have to be, but I would like to be.

And pilgit, I agree that there's never a perfect time. I think that's why I'm scared that it might never happen. I don't think I could bare that.

It's helping to talk about it though, thanks :)

[LollyPop87]

Bertie - I agree in a way. But I wouldn't want to try and influence my dps decision by saying that. But I do agree that teenage years might be an even harder time.

That's another reason why I'm terrified it might never happen. What if it never gets to the point that everyone is ok with it all? I shouldn't think that way, but the thought does terrify me.

[FrysChocolateCream]

Why aren't people questioning your dp's opinion? Worrying about his son's feelings when who knows what they would be? And being really vague about timing? I think that is really out of order.

There is no reason why his son should be put out if the whole thing is handled sensitively. Which I am sure it would be by you two.

I think your main problem is your dp's vagueness. I am sure you would feel better if you had a more concrete plan. Mind you, I also second the view that you should enjoy your free time while you have it.

[LollyPop87]

I think you're right that the vagueness is the main problem. I think if it wasn't so vague, I would find it much easier to enjoy my free time now. But I don't really blame my dp for the vagueness. He said that he wanted to be able to give me a real answer, and a timescale, but he just didn't know. But he did recognise how hard this was for me.

I have to be honest and say I agree that actually, as long as it was handled sensitively, it would be ok. And I don't think there will be an obvious appropriate time untill his ds is past the teen stage. But I don't feel like I can say this. I feel like if that's how he feels, then it is his son and he is entitled to feel that way if that makes sense.

But it is so hard. I feel like we might wait for such a long time, but that maybe we don't have to. And what if we wait so long and run out of time? Its just so hard. I feel like I think about it constantly.

[stowsettler]

I remember being your age and assuming I'd be married with 2 kids within 5 years. It didn't happen: my DP wasn't ready, then my career took an upturn,etc etc.
Hey ho. I'm now 3 months away from my 41st birthday and my DD (my first) is 10 months.
Did I expect it to take so long? No!
Do I care? NO! DD is beee-yooo-ti-ful and I thoroughly enjoyed my free and single 20s and 30s.
Please don't wish your life away: enjoy what you have til the time comes for children. You only get one life.

[Misfitless]

I would think that the longer your DP leaves it, the harder it will be for his DS to adjust, not the other way around.

The smaller the age gap, the more they are likely to have in common.

Have you discussed marriage, Lolly? That could perhaps be something to be planning in the meantime.

Your step-son could become involved in the planning, and have a special role to play, and he could get used to the idea of you being married and sharing his last name, before the arrival of a half brother/sister.

It must be really difficult for both of you, but I don't think it's reasonable of your DP to keep you hanging indefinitely

I can't see how it will get easier as his DS gets older. The difficulty arising from this situation (DP's DS feeling left out, jealous that he doesn't see his dad much, but that his half sibling sees his dad all the time,) will not change whether you have a baby in 2 years or 4 years.

[SoWhatDoWeDoNow]

Why aren't people questioning your dp's opinion? Worrying about his son's feelings when who knows what they would be? And being really vague about timing? I think that is really out of order.

Well perhaps because they can read between the lines and see what I see. Which is that this guy is still very young. He's already become a dad extremely young, and has had to juggle the long distance father-son relationship, and financially support a child through all those years when when most guys are spending their money enjoying life, saving to get on the housing ladder, having holidays and nice cars etc, so presumably his disposable income (not to mention big chunks of his leisure time) has been dented quite a lot, and perhaps he needs a bit more time before he's ready to make that commitment again.

Perhaps he's found it very challenging being the non-resident parent and he just doesn't want to rush into parenthood again until he's 110% sure it won't end up the same way in five years time.

That is a very adult and sensible approach if you ask me. They are both still very young. There is tons of time. Tons.

Also, I think he is aniticpating how a baby might change the OP's relationship with and attitude to his son. Suddenly, spending every other weekend driving 3-4 hours away and back again won't seem quite to appealing, and he will have to justify how/why he divides his time to her, while trying to do right by both his children. It won't be easy and he knows it. That's why he's waiting. I think he sounds brilliant personally. I wish more young men took parenting as seriously as he does.

[Joysmum]

SoWhatDoWeDoNow that is a superb post and a viewpoint that is often neglected on mumsnet

How could he be more specific? Specific is easy when you know what you want and when. If this bloke is anything like my husband, he'll be feeling like now isn't the right time but won't have done too much introspective thinking to tease out the separate issues.

Or

If he has, he'll be scared shitless he'll express himself in the wrong way and hurt the woman he loves.

[Misfitless]

Juoysmum I agree with you.

SoWhat are you sure he definitely wants more children?

I mentioned the time scale because it reminds me of another thread on here where someone mentioned that the time was never right for he DH, and actually the guy mentioned years down the line that he had never wanted another baby, when he knew that it was too late.

[LollyPop87]

Thank you so much for all the replies :)

SoWhat - that is a lovely post and I think you're right. My dp is an amazing dad and I think you've hit the nail on the head with everything you've said.

Slowsettler - its interesting, because I am not one for planning my life out at all. But this is one thing that I seem desperate to plan and I don't know why.

I think I do need to relax abit. How awful would it be if I spent my twenties wishing for a baby, had a baby in my thirties and then spent my thirties wishing I hadn't wished my twenties away.

I'm gonna try and enjoy doing all the things I can do right now, and try and trust that it will work out.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Its really helped me to work through how I feel, thank you.

[firsttimenewbie]

I know exactly how you feel LollyPop87.

I am so achingly broody at the moment, have been for a long time but it seems to be really bad at the moment. We were planning on starting to try in September but have decided to delay it. I am jsut finishing a PhD, we a re both starting new jobs soon, will b buying a house this year and getting married early next year. So there is just too much going on at the moment. I know we will start trying once everything calms down but that jsut doesn't seem to help. Just recently I have started ahving super realistic dreams about being pregnant and I am so crushed when I wake up and realise it is just a dream. Dp is very understanding but there isn't really anyhting he can say/do to make it better. I jsut wish this feeling will go away- and I am annoyed I can't jsut convince myself to be ok. I have so much going on atm and to look forward to and logically I know I must wait but that doesn't seem to help at all!!

I also have this irrational fear that I am going to have a really hard time conceiving. I was told I might have plolycystic ovaries when I was younger but most of my symptoms have gone. I am on the pill but really not very careful about taking it (not intentionally) but in 7 years we have never had an accident- which makes me worried there is something wrong. I know that is really silly but I can't help it. OH thinks I should go get checks to put my mind at rest by I can't think DR would do it on a 'gut feeling' I have.

Sorry for the long post- just really wanted to say I feel your pain!

[leedsgirl231]

Guess I'm just worrying but I feel exactly the same. I am constantly broody, I see girls (and I say girls) having children and I get extremely broody, sort of jealous of them. I think I just want the attention, then to give my undivided attention to something I helped create. All I want is a family, but it's not my time. I don't know what to do.

[Flowers2014]

I can related to pretty much everyone lolly and leedsgirl have said.

I'm really broody too and have been since I was 19/20, I'm 25 now and all I want is a baby. DP and I just aren't there yet as couple but it doesn't stop the broody-ness and the googly eyes I make at other people's babies

[Flowers2014]

Everything* not everyone