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Why is my fiance so unkind?

(77 Posts)
Crunchypeanut Fri 27-Dec-13 01:10:37

Really pissed of with fiance for being so consistently selfish. Been with him for 4 yrs , we live separately ( whole lotta issues there on his part ) and I have always had a lot of grief from his ex wife. For me being in a relationship is about sharing, being kind, supportive , loving and loyal to each other. For him it's about sex and what I can do for him financially or otherwise .We had a big discussion several months ago regarding him putting me ahead of his demanding ex after a particularly abusive situation from her and keeping me in the loop. So why is it that I have to find out even the most basic of things second hand and her needs always take priority. Been waiting all week for him to tell me that he's paid his Csa early at his ex wifes request but he's never said a word. I don't think ordinarily I would have minded but what's really got to me is that he owes me a large sum of money and not once out of common decency or manners did he run it past me or check that financially I was ok over Christmas. He always, always takes it for granted that I am ok. Never occurred to him that it was what two people in an adult relationship do. When I told him how upset I was and disappointed he told me I was over reacting and his ex wife had a lot of expense over Christmas and basically tough! Like the rest of don't have to budget all year round. Completely fed up with being treated as an afterthought , his constant need to pacify his ex and his sense of entitlement . I really don't feel that we are equal partners and his selfishness, immaturity and excuses for progressing our relationship forward all involve his ex wife. He thinks I am hung up on her but he makes it impossible when he encourages her ' might' in our relationship. If I am honest I love him to bits but feel i am suffocating under her weight. I don't expect him to move on from his lovely children but I am so bored of his inability to move on from his ex wife and his lack of ambition for us.

WitchOfEndor Fri 27-Dec-13 17:50:50

OP, get your money back and leave him. You and your kids deserve better than that.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Fri 27-Dec-13 17:47:47

Finantially, how much does he owe you?

Write it down,that is his debt to you.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Are you staying in it, because you fear he wont "repay",in cash or kind. Do you think if you complain you wont get the cash returned?

Did you have any docs to show there has been a loan. Consider cutting him adrift and going to small claims court.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 17:37:00

Will OP be back, one wonders

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 27-Dec-13 17:35:08

why is this unkind man my fiancé?

That in the nutshell, is the question.

Your running, a hotel, brothel and cash machine thats exclusively for his use only.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 27-Dec-13 17:31:32

Are you going to waste another 4 years with this dickhead ?

I think you should put your children first. Why are you putting your relationship with a useless man before them ?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Fri 27-Dec-13 17:22:44

Every time I see this thread I think that the real question is why is this unkind man my fiancé?

Nanny0gg Fri 27-Dec-13 17:15:47

They have had far nicer and more extravagant gifts from their parents than I could afford for mine and I really don't begrudge them this.

Good job, because you've paid for them.

he doesn't live here just spends a lot of time/ nights here being spoilt by me. I just feel the need to clarify that. Sorry. I don't want anyone thinking he supports me financially in any way.

Clearly it's the other way around.

Sorry, but you are being used all the way. Be grateful you don't have children together.

I think you know what your only New Year's Resolution needs to be...

MostWicked Fri 27-Dec-13 16:49:10

What does this man do, to show his love to you?
It sounds like you do all the giving in this relationship, and there is no reason at all, for that to ever change. He likes it the way it is, because he gets everything he wants.
It's up to you how much longer you put up with it for.

willyoulistentome Fri 27-Dec-13 16:40:32

What do you mean by a substantial amount of money though? It might be with writing off rather than trying to get it back if it means you can sack him sooner. .. which you absolutely must do by the way. What has he said to you about the reason he is an 'ex' husband I expect it was all her fault right? ? Yeah. ...right.

LIZS Fri 27-Dec-13 16:30:45

If I am honest I love him to bits but feel i am suffocating under her weight. I don't expect him to move on from his lovely children but I am so bored of his inability to move on from his ex wife and his lack of ambition for us.

You have a very one sided relationship. He will always be linked to his ex via the children and why would he change his behaviour if he can get away with sponging from you. You want and deserve more than he will ever offer, sorry.

MrsWOLF1 Fri 27-Dec-13 16:27:48

I expect he.s sleeping with his ex get rid love

nkf Fri 27-Dec-13 16:26:35

Don't lend him money. Watch him vanish.

DeMaz Fri 27-Dec-13 16:18:40

Remind me again, OP, why you're with him? I must have missed reading one if your posts???

DuchessFanny Fri 27-Dec-13 16:12:45

You're right .. He is selfish, unkind and not remotely loyal ( to you anyway !)
I'd get out now - he doesn't live with you ? He has borrowed large sums of money ? You are always last on his list of priorities ? He doesn't even sound like somebody you should be friends with, let alone 'engaged' to !
Do yourself a massive favour and call the whole thing off, find someone who is worthy of you ( because you sound lovely !)

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 27-Dec-13 15:56:12

Love - he's using you sad

Get back as much money as you can, then get rid. You and your children are worth so much more than this cocklodger. If you aren't tied up with this twat, you might find someone worth sharing your life and your children with.

Kick his arse to the kerb - or his ex.

willyoulistentome Fri 27-Dec-13 15:51:18

How much does he owe you. ???
He sounds like a prick.

TheCatThatSmiled Fri 27-Dec-13 15:42:55

I would say, don't LTB yet.
Get your money back - and THEN LTB.

Or you will find yourself saddled with a cocklodger who will suck the life out of you.

patienceisvirtuous Fri 27-Dec-13 12:01:26

Lt using b!

Beechview Fri 27-Dec-13 11:50:49

Op you sound like a very intelligent and together person but I'm afraid you lack a bit of judgement regarding this man.
After 4 years you are still not a priority. Please heed what everyone else has said.

Tuhlulah Fri 27-Dec-13 11:41:58

He will always put his children before yours. He will always put his ex-wife's needs before your needs or the needs of your children.

Continuing this relationship is committing yourself and your children to a lifetime of your and their needs being overlooked for the needs of this man's ex wife and his children.

So. Even if you are prepared to put up with that -do you think it's fair to make your children put up -ALWAYS- with being second best?

I bet you'd argue that your children are entitled to the best of everything (and I'm not thinking materially, necessarily), and indeed you sound as though that's what you always strive for.

So why are you allowing this cuckoo into your nest who will ensure your children get second best even with your resources? Indeed your children are subsiding his children's lifestyles. His wife wants the best for her children, and her means of getting it is from this man. His means of ensuring his children get the best is to deprive yours.

Is this a man you want to bring into your children's lives?

I am not even going to comment on what you get out of all this. It doesn't appear to be respect, concern or love. Perhaps he's a great shag.

CrockedPot Fri 27-Dec-13 11:40:01

You know what you've got to do, don't you? Make a new start in the new year without this weight around your neck, plan something brilliant to do next month/in spring/in summer and if/when you have doubts, re-read this thread. You deserve better than this, he won't make you happy.

YoungBritishPissArtist Fri 27-Dec-13 11:38:08

You need to drop this man like a bag of cold sick!

You may have to write off the money he owes you. I get the feeling he'd never pay it back even if you stayed together. He's a leech.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Fri 27-Dec-13 11:36:37

And he's not even supporting you?? WTF does this fucker add to your life?

Sounds like you'd be much happier without his weight dragging you down.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 27-Dec-13 11:34:40

Dump this low life fucker, sell anything he leaves at your home, as some payment towards what he owes you, your kids wont thank you for being a mug.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 27-Dec-13 11:24:19

You do realize that nobody marries their doormat?

Sorry if this is harsh, but you need to wake up.

The last couple of posts makes it clear that you think his kids deserve better than yours. Why is this?

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