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Why is my fiance so unkind?

(77 Posts)
Crunchypeanut Fri 27-Dec-13 01:10:37

Really pissed of with fiance for being so consistently selfish. Been with him for 4 yrs , we live separately ( whole lotta issues there on his part ) and I have always had a lot of grief from his ex wife. For me being in a relationship is about sharing, being kind, supportive , loving and loyal to each other. For him it's about sex and what I can do for him financially or otherwise .We had a big discussion several months ago regarding him putting me ahead of his demanding ex after a particularly abusive situation from her and keeping me in the loop. So why is it that I have to find out even the most basic of things second hand and her needs always take priority. Been waiting all week for him to tell me that he's paid his Csa early at his ex wifes request but he's never said a word. I don't think ordinarily I would have minded but what's really got to me is that he owes me a large sum of money and not once out of common decency or manners did he run it past me or check that financially I was ok over Christmas. He always, always takes it for granted that I am ok. Never occurred to him that it was what two people in an adult relationship do. When I told him how upset I was and disappointed he told me I was over reacting and his ex wife had a lot of expense over Christmas and basically tough! Like the rest of don't have to budget all year round. Completely fed up with being treated as an afterthought , his constant need to pacify his ex and his sense of entitlement . I really don't feel that we are equal partners and his selfishness, immaturity and excuses for progressing our relationship forward all involve his ex wife. He thinks I am hung up on her but he makes it impossible when he encourages her ' might' in our relationship. If I am honest I love him to bits but feel i am suffocating under her weight. I don't expect him to move on from his lovely children but I am so bored of his inability to move on from his ex wife and his lack of ambition for us.

clam Fri 27-Dec-13 09:21:01

What cece said. I didn't even need to read your opening post - the thread title was enough. He's unkind. That's a very poor character trait and will underpin how he treats you for the rest of your life together.
Get rid.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 27-Dec-13 09:21:18

It does not sound like he loves you, or even like you!

LePetitPrince Fri 27-Dec-13 09:24:34

The Ex is a smoke screen so ignore her. This man doesn't love you in the way you deserve, I am afraid.
Cut your losses and leave him. You will look back at this time as a very lucky escape. Good luck.

DoingItForMyself Fri 27-Dec-13 09:28:40

Going against the grain here, but are you sure it's his ex that he's hung up on, not his DCs? If giving her money is the priority that. Is because he is legally bound by the CSA (& morally bound by his own conscience) to provide for his children financially. Of course that should take priority over paying back money that he owes you.

Do you have DCs OP? If you do then you need to think about what you would do if the situation were reversed, if your own DCs needed food, a roof over their heads and something nice to open at Xmas, would you rather give that money to your new partner?

If your DP knows that you will give him a hard time, you don't share finances yet and it is money he would have given her anyway, then I don't see why he should have run it by you.

If you do marry him, this situation will not change. If anything, you will end up paying thousands more for his DCs university fees, deposits on their first homes, weddings etc. If you can't handle it now then it isn't going to improve in the future.

However, it doesn't sound to me like he's done anything wrong, sorry.

Carefully read back your own post OP.

Then decide if you really want to live like this.

Are you really engaged( ie is a date for the wedding set ?) or is it just a simple way for him to string you along.

Are you afraid you will lose your money if you split? Is that really a good reason to stay together ?

QuintessentialShadows Fri 27-Dec-13 09:39:42

Maybe because inadvertently it is the op who part funds the ex and kids?

The issue is not just that he is unkind, he borrows money from op, and gives money to ex rather than repay op.

Inkspellme Fri 27-Dec-13 09:40:46

I think your title should read

"Why is this man my fiancee?".

Leave him.

Crunchypeanut Fri 27-Dec-13 10:05:19

Doingitformyself ... I have two kids of my own roughly the same age. I love his kids dearly and have always been happy to help out with lending large sums of money in past because they should come first. They have had far nicer and more extravagant gifts from their parents than I could afford for mine and I really don't begrudge them this. They deserve to have nice things. What I do begrudge is him knowing he owes me money, knowing its Christmas just automatically making that decision without having a conversation about it first. His attitude really is that ' it's his business ' and I feel very hurt by this. I am always very easy going and I just always feel sidelined. If I really thought the money was so the kids could have a great Christmas it would have been different but just turns out she needs new tyres for her car and that is more important to him than me providing for my kids.

Crunchypeanut Fri 27-Dec-13 10:15:25

Also I bring up my children on my own , I work hard and budget carefully and my fiance makes no contribution, he doesn't live here just spends a lot of time/ nights here being spoilt by me. I just feel the need to clarify that. Sorry. I don't want anyone thinking he supports me financially in any way.

scaevola Fri 27-Dec-13 10:15:56

"We could have an amazing life together..."

Are you sure? This sounds like fantasy. You could of course have an amazing life with someone who will be a good and commited partner. But not this man who arranges his life (consistently) in ways you do not like.

" ... but I know that unless he grows up emotionally it will just be amazingly poor."

You are not his mother or his therapist.

ImperialBlether Fri 27-Dec-13 10:17:09

Why on earth were you lending him money so that his kids could have a better Christmas than yours?

You have told us what he's like, OP, and he's really horrible. I know you love him but there's nothing to like, is there?

BalloonSlayer Fri 27-Dec-13 10:17:11

"and that is more important to him than me providing for my kids."

EVERYTHING is more important to him than you.

He's just not that into you.

And he is unkind.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 27-Dec-13 10:26:44

You are bringing your dc up on your own but you lend money so he can support his family? This is wrong. He's taking the piss out of you.

He won't live with you but spends a lot of time with you spoiling him at yours...

He's a part time cock lodger...

mammadiggingdeep Fri 27-Dec-13 10:27:13

Yes, agree. He is VERY unkind to you.

DontmindifIdo Fri 27-Dec-13 10:27:46

No, you could never have an amazing life with this man because he doesn't love you enough.

can you afford to write off the money he owes you? End the relationship. There seems little point in dragging it out. In the next 5-10 years he might grow up, but why waste your life with him in the meantime?

gamerchick Fri 27-Dec-13 10:29:30

You need to wake up.

If you want that wake up call.. recall the money he owes you and don't give him anymore.

It'll tell you what you want to know.

clam Fri 27-Dec-13 10:30:47

People will treat you how you teach them to.

Why on EARTH are you lending him money that really should be being spent on your own kids. Why do you not begrudge his kids getting "better" presents than yours, from money that he's taken from you? Why do they "deserve it," but yours, apparently, don't?

You've got your priorities a little mixed up here, I think.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 27-Dec-13 10:33:45

I think he's messed your head up to the point that you're not seeing this as cut and dried as it is...

fedup21 Fri 27-Dec-13 10:35:54

Why do his kids deserve nice things but yours don't?

Think about an AIBU post from your kids...AIBU to wonder why my mum gives lots of money to a bloke who doesn't seem to like her? Why do this man's children have much nicer stuff than us? Etc etc

lindsay82 Fri 27-Dec-13 10:36:10

Refuse sex and recall your debt and then see how he is. Sounds like you are worth a lot more than this! You are already Independant, better to end it now than later.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Fri 27-Dec-13 10:37:52

He's using you.
If you marry him, do so knowing he will always treat you like shit.
I hope you dont choose that.

1nsertnamehere Fri 27-Dec-13 10:47:37

Please, please, you deserve so much better than this. Kindness really is one of the most important things in a long term relationship.

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast Fri 27-Dec-13 11:00:15

I am really concerned why you think his children are more important than your own? You need to really think about why or how this is ok in your head. He has really done a number on you. Tell him its over and to pay you back and start prioritizing your own children and your own self-esteem.

I wish you strength and good luck

pictish Fri 27-Dec-13 11:07:11

Is this even real?

You are lending him large sums of money that he does not repay, so he may lavish his children, while yours go without??
Am I seeing things...or is that what is actually going on here?

This man is no good for you. No good at all.

pictish Fri 27-Dec-13 11:19:12

For me being in a relationship is about sharing, being kind, supportive , loving and loyal to each other. For him it's about sex and what I can do for him financially or otherwise.

Look...look at what you have said yourself.
What magic has this bellend cast over you, that you would remain at his and his kids' disposal?

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