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Can u please give me your opinion on my partner.

(77 Posts)
AngelinaK Wed 25-Dec-13 21:40:45

Hi there. I had a name change for this. I reply to others but was always too gutless to have my own thread.
Here it goes as briefly as I can not to bore anybody too much...
My dp and I have been together for 10 years and he is 10 years older then me. We have 3 year old daughter and we have our own house (just on his name, we r not married and I didnt think its important and who's name it is anyway) We had our ups and downs but still together. I was very young when we met (19) and now I feel like I have 'outgrown' the relationship maybe? He's very different to me, very aggressive personality, doesnt like to talk, doesnt like to go anywhere, we used to argue a lot from the start, he raised his hand few times on me(I slapped him back in rage btw) and then I got pregnant... He was a little boy all pregnancy and first year after the birth was evil, he wasnt much home but when he was it was awful. I had a baby blues and was sensitive and in need of support and cuddles so to speak. Lets just say it was hard and I didnt cope well.
Now we r still together but we r not close. Too much has happened... He 's not happy when I go out for a dinner with girlfriend (which I never did, I was never out during my time with him) he's not interested in anything and I'm... I like cinema, art, travelling, dancing....
We have a stable home so to speak but and I dont know what to do...
He can be very nice, very good and loving and lovely dad but when its bad... Its bad and it leaves me very anxious and worried.

I dont know what I'm asking here. Just had to get it out. Thank u for reading.

Merry Christmas!

Fairenuff Thu 26-Dec-13 10:24:52

She will deal with a break up better than living in this environment for years on end.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Dec-13 10:29:17

She's only 3, the sooner you do it the quicker she will get over it. If you both love your DD and are prepared to put her interests first you can be good co-parents whilst living apart.

Fairenuff Thu 26-Dec-13 10:38:26

Whatever happens to her, because of her young age and limited experience, she will consider it 'normal'.

So if you separate and she lives mostly with mummy in mummy's house and is well looked after, safe and loved, she will be happy.

Daddy will visit and she will get to go to daddy's house sometimes too. As long as he is kind to her, meets her needs and keeps her safe, she will be happy.

Both of her parents will be happy and confidant.

However, staying in the environment she is in now will also be 'normal' to her and she will grow up thinking that this is how adults behave. This is the sort of relationship she can expect for herself when she grows up.

Which would you rather she has?

Spero Thu 26-Dec-13 11:00:38

I agree with other posters, she is young enough for your separation to become her new 'normal' very quickly.

There is research showing the trauma of separation become much greater for older children - they are old enough to understand more of what is going on and can get drawn into adult distress.

But something's got to change hasn't it? He is aggressive, you feel trapped. Either you can talk to one another about what has to change or you leave him.

If someone is aggressive and controlling I don't see much point in trying to talk to them as you are just creating another arena for them to exercise control and be aggressive.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 17:11:07

Too many excuses, love

You are hiding behind them and intent on keeping your young daughter around a very poor role model

You have a choice, she does not

Cabrinha Thu 26-Dec-13 19:39:36

My 4yo was perfectly happy with two homes. I thank my stars I went for it before she got old enough to think divorce was a bad / difficult / sad thing.
Yesterday I dropped her off half way through Xmas Day all smiles without a backwards glance to me.
How much nicer that risking doing that with an older child who might be emotionally torn, worrying about wanting to see her dad when mummy was left alone.
He's sounds like a prick.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 20:47:48

Thank you all again for taking time to reply to me.
I know this is not the most "Exciting" thread in here...

DD seems happy now, she's got a nice house and loving parents, we dont fight around her. We dont make her miserable or anything, but she's somehow more happy when she's alone with me hmm and behaves better. She doesnt see him as often as me due to his working hours.
I just dont know what to do. Stay and work it out. Or leave. And if leave - where to go and how to manage everything alone and a toddler. Also I dont know how he will react if I leave? What is dd will be sad and crying for daddy all the time? What if he will get full custody of her as he's got full time job, own house, car and safe environment for her? What if he will get involved with some horrid woman and introduce her to dd? Also the grass is not always greener...
I'm scared and confused.

Spero Thu 26-Dec-13 21:38:29

I left an emotionally abusive man when our daughter was 3.5. She cried a bit and was very clingy with me for about two years. But I suspect this was not so much due to our separation, but rather he was such an arse and wouldn't be clear about when he would see her - she found that hard.

6 years later she seems absolutely fine - doing well at school, has friends etc.

I may be wrong about how well she is doing, only time will tell. But when I was with her dad, I cried almost every day, I was very lonely and unhappy as I knew I wasn't loved. I am pretty sure growing up with that would have been much, much worse for her.

You cannot look into the future. Many things could go wrong. Or could go right. All I can say is you must make the best decision now with the best info you have. As a general rule, decisions made out of fear tend not to have good results in the long term.

tiamariaxxx Thu 26-Dec-13 21:55:33

It sounds like your not happy in that case you need to end it for the sake of you and your daughter. Have you got somewhere you can go? Do you think he will turn nasty if you try to leave? I think it sounds like an horrible situation to be in, i know its easier said than done but i would just leave i think ive gron up in an unhappy home and i wouldnt want it for my kids.

My friend was in a similar situation a while back sh came crying that he had hit her (again) wanted to leave him but house was in his name. She started looking for private rents to live her grandma was all set to give her a deposit and everything, my OH was all set to help her move her stuff out while he was working one sunday day she was due to pay deposit she chickened out, few weeks later shes found her self pregnant, theyve just moved into a nice big posh house which is in his name their all loved up again, sure it will happen again but im keeping out of it

5HundredUsernamesLater Thu 26-Dec-13 22:08:53

I don't think there's much chance of him getting full custody so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
Also, unless things have changed recently, to be able to claim any of the equity in his house you have to prove you put money into it. This is very hard to prove as its not enough to have just made a contribution to the monthly outgoings. If for example you paid for a conservatory and have the receipts to prove it you may be entitled to something but receipts from tescos to say you fed him while he paid the mortgage won't count.
I appologise if this is now not the case but I am going on my own experience of the same thing around 9 yrs ago. After living with the father of my child for ten years in his house I got nothing when we separated.
I hope you sort things out one way or the other, it is a hard decision to make. If you decide to go it alone it probably will be a struggle to start with but it does get easier once you get settled into your new life.

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 22:36:18

Thank u for all your advice, its so useful and helpful.
Thank u so much.

I'm having good enough life, my dd is safe and happy, I'm so scared she will be upset if I take her away from her daddy, her room and her environment. I'm scared how her father will deal with the brake up - I think he would "die" out of shock. He loves her, but he could be nasty to me.
I'm scared of her growing up in a broken family. I love her so so much. She's lovely sweet and very sensitive little girl.

Do I have good enough reasons to leave?
I just dont know... emotionally I just checked out from that relationship, but I wish him well anyway.

Regarding the house... I dont have receipts for the furniture and the decorating I did :/ not even tesco grocery receipts smile :/// only thing I could maybe prove is that I borrowed money from my family to add to the mortgage but that wasnt much anyway. He's the breadwinner. House is his. Truth is I'll have to move out, its his house and I'm the one leaving.,.,

tiamariaxxx Thu 26-Dec-13 22:40:16

I know it might upset your dd now but in the long run she would better and your better doing it while shes young if your going to other wise you will end up stuck in a rutt, what happens if you have another baby?

Have you got a bit of money put away ?

AngelinaK Thu 26-Dec-13 22:52:41

I CAN NOT imagine having another baby with him...
and I dont have any savings....

tiamariaxxx Thu 26-Dec-13 23:08:51

I can only imagine how horrible the situation is for you. If you didnt have your daughter would you leave him?

raininginsuburbia Fri 27-Dec-13 08:48:17

Your daughter may not hear the arguments but she will feel the tension in the house. She will know that mum and dad aren't happy but she won't know why. So she is likely to blame herself. It's just what children do. That could be very damaging for her.

The practicalities of splitting are difficult. It is painful and messy and awful. But staying in a dead relationship with someone who is nasty to you for the rest of your life is worse.

AngelinaK Fri 27-Dec-13 09:55:59

Can I just ask how your(or your friends children) coped with brake up? Visiting daddy and future step parents?

I really think that if I didnt have my daughter - I would leave...

And u r right.... DD definitely feels the tension between us - she's very sensitive and intuitive.

Ladies thank u so much for taking time to reply, I deeply appreciate it.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 27-Dec-13 10:06:07

He's not pure evil. Actually he's good man in general

Actually if he is behaving as you say then no, he is not a good man in general. He probably pretends to be a good man, especially to outsiders but a good man he is not.

AngelinaK Fri 27-Dec-13 19:03:57

U might be right.... :/
So hard... :/

Loopytiles Sat 28-Dec-13 07:12:49

He is NOT a good man or father. He is emotionally and physically, and financially abusive. You can't "work it out" with someone abusive.

It might not be as hard as you think to leave. You can make plans, get legal, benefits and housing advice. Womens Aid would be appropriate - why are you dismissive of this possible source of help? You seem tobe minimising the abuse and in denial about how, if you stay, it will hurt your daughter.

Loopytiles Sat 28-Dec-13 07:16:12

Also on the "we have our own house" and "stable home", HE has those things, you don't.

AngelinaK Sat 28-Dec-13 22:39:29

We have normal every day life and he shares all his money with me no problem. He's better then many man I know...
But he's got difficult character, dont know how to argue and he makes me anxious often. He's really annoying now, I think I changed, outgrown the relationship, its been 10 long years.... Right now I'm not very confident... Afraid what future might bring.... :/

freakypenguin Sun 29-Dec-13 01:10:32

You ask how the children might cope Goethe the break up...well,every child is different and I would not want to generalise but i recently split up with my (also considerably older) H. We never argued in front of the DC either, but they must have picked up on the tense atmosphere. Cod psychology this may be but my DS developed a stutter in the months running up to the split that vanished within a fortnight of H moving out. Children don't have to hear arguments to be affected by an unhappy marriage, sadly.

freakypenguin Sun 29-Dec-13 01:12:22

Goethe? With!

feelingvunerable Sun 29-Dec-13 06:32:25

I think you need to leave. Agree with the poster who advised not to talk to him. He is aggressive and abusive.

I think deep down you know that this relationship is dead.
You and your child will be much happier without him.

You ask is this reason enough to leave, of course it is. There is no law stating that people have to stay together suffering!

Speak to a solicitor to get some advice and clarify things for you.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow Sun 29-Dec-13 06:38:05

All the other stuff is irrelevant. You voluntarily had a child with a man who you already knew was grumpy, argumentative, controlling, aggressive and physically violent. What does his not wanting to go to the cinema have to do with anything? confused

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