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I don't know what to do - please help

(125 Posts)
HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:24:25

I'm a long time lurker and very nervous about posting this so please be kind smile

I am very unhappy. I've been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old. My husband and I have been arguing a lot and I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault.
He is cross with me a lot of the time. If I forget to do something or I'm late for something he tells me off. Ill say I'm sorry for forgetting/whatever but he says 'well sorry's no good, just don't do it! I can't understand how you can forget/get wrong the simplest things! I HAVE to tell you or you'd never learn, would you!?'
I tell him that I don't do it intentionally and Ido try to do things right but he says I'm obviously not trying or I wouldn't make so many mistakes.

This morning we had a huge argument after something small like this because I told him I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child, but he said 'oh so I'm supposed to tiptoe around you and never tell you if you're wrong!? Well that's not going to happen - you may have got away with it in the past but you sure wont with me! You'll never learn if I don't tell you!'
I said that this wasnt how we should speak to each other but he wasn't having it. I cried and suggested we should go to counselling but he just said 'You need it! You'll be paying will you!?' I told him that something has to change as the way he keeps talking to me makes me feel like I'm retarded (sorry HORRIBLE word) to which he replied 'well you said it.'

I'm really really trying every time we argue to be fair and see all sides, I never get personal with him (apart from when I said he was being an idiot) and I always admit when I'm wrong.

I will admit I've been behind with the housework and I know I could be much better at lots of things. My daughter is a year old and I had glandular fever just after I had her which I know some people get over quite quickly but I just don't think I have. I BF for 8 months and I didn't have an easy birth/recovery. All things combined ive been very tired and below par ever since I got pregnant really. Which has meant I have been a bit forgetful and slow to do some things, which yes I know is just an excuse and other women manage sad

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and its since I got pregnant that things have been really bad. I've had terrible nausea and I just feel wiped out. I have very bad emetophobia and I'm trying to hide it from him as i think he thinks I'm just being weak.
When I said I was tired once he said 'well I get tired too and I just get on with it' which is true or 'well it's not like you do anything!'
He works very hard and rarely takes a day off so I suppose he is justified to say this.

Last Christmas he didnt get me a gift, he said he forgot but didn't think it was a big deal. I got upset on Christmas morning as I didn't have anything to open and we had a huge row as he was angry with me for guilt tripping him. It was the worst Christmas ever.

This year he said her get me a tablet on the condition that I use it to start some sort of business to make some money back, but I can't have it yet as he'll get it in the sales. So at least I know ill get something.

I don't know what I expect people to say, I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I suppose I needed to write it down. And I don't feel well and I'm tired and lonely sad

Sorry for the huge essay. Anyone who gets this far deserves a medal.

Ps I should say that reading this back he looks like a monster. He's not really. I just don't know what's happened and I don't know what to do.


HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 20:18:11

Well I just rang him to see if he was planning on coming back anytime soon.
His reply - 'have those shit carols finished?'
Me - 'er... Carols at Kings has finished if that's what you mean'
Him - 'well ill come in a bit. I'm at my parents and they've got people round, it'd be rude to leave now.'

I'm afraid I just hung up then.

It'd be rude to leave someone else's house if they have visitors, but perfectly fine to leave your pregnant ill wife alone on Christmas Eve?
And it'll all be my fault when he does come back. God I'm so unhappy.

Ps RE work, I had basically worked very hard to make a business out of my life's hobby. I loved it and could not see myself doing anything else. When I came here he just expected me to go work in a shop or something in minimum wage for the rest of my life and be happy about it as, as he said, he would do any job if it meant earning money.

I don't mean that working in a shop is a bad job - it's not - it's just id worked so so hard before meeting him to ensure that I'd always be able to work in an industry I loved, and he didnt think that my giving this up forever should be any hardship at all. As he said 'he didn't have a gun to my head, I chose it.'

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 20:21:38

I wonder now if he ever loved me.

I think he did, at the start. He says I've changed, and that I never want to have sex anymore. I don't really, feeling sick and bloated all the time, or just after a v difficult birth and through early BF, and I doubt he would have either, but I don't think he'll ever understand that. He thinks I'm just being lazy or difficult.

Vivacia Tue 24-Dec-13 20:37:02

So, what are you going to do?

perfectstorm Tue 24-Dec-13 20:41:36

Jesus wept, who in their right mind would want sex with an object like him? I'd rather eat my own vomit. Treating you like a faulty slot machine - he puts a wedding ring in, he gets unlimited sex out - is, sadly, yet another abuser's classic. Frankly, you'd complete most of a bingo card.

Again: he is disgusting, and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you. I went off sex for over a year after having DS. A lot of women do. I asked my husband how he handled it so well, a couple of years on, and he said, "I wanked a lot more!" He didn't whine or complain because he knew I was just off being touched, and understood why. And my DH is absolutely no saint - we row like anyone else. But we row equally, and normally. He treats you like something he scraped off his shoe.

You made a colossal sacrifice of something very precious to you to be with him. He isn't only ungrateful - he's rubbing salt in that wound. He knows exactly what it cost you to do that, and he wants you in a minimum wage job so he could then tell you that's all you were ever good for. And in a couple of years more, I think you'd believe it. sad

Call Women's Aid while he is out. Please.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 21:16:17

he would do any job if it meant earning money.

Except ... you actually had to go and live in the middle of sodding nowhere so that he could work in his family business. So not 'any' job, in fact, but exactly one job. Your career was irrelevant because (I assume) it's just something women do to pass the time til they get married.

He tells you you've changed because it's unarguable. Of course you've changed, you've become a mother. (He, however, has not become a father). Trust me, if you'd moved with him and stayed childless you would be getting this same stick. Except you wouldn't, because I suspect you would have walked by now if not for your dd.

Can you go and sleep in with your dd so he has no excuse to wake you when he gets in?

littleblackno Tue 24-Dec-13 21:26:41

I haven't read all the thread but seriously, he's a SHIT. If your daughter was being treated like you are would you think it was ok? If not then tell him to fuck off.
Your post has made me quite angry - not at you in any way but that there are men that make women feel like this, because you are not in paid work this is in some way 'inferior' and you owe the family and need to make some money back. He's a twat.
<disclaimer> I used to be married to someone like this he's now an ex and i'm much happier for this.
Look after yourself and your babies.

Mizza76 Tue 24-Dec-13 21:28:51

He seems to be completely contemptuous of you. I can't see that counselling can be an option here. It's an option when 2 decent people have differences and need to work them out. He does not seem decent.
Re: your mother's feelings. If you were my child, I would far rather you were safe and happy than stay with an abusive man to spare my feelings.

NorksAreMessy Tue 24-Dec-13 21:40:53

helen we care about you and are here to support you.

What you are going through is utter crap and I hope that this time next year you will be able to look at your lovely life and wonder what on earth happened in 2013.

I sincerely wish you nothing but happiness in 2014 and will keep checking in on you tomorrow. Please keep talking to us, we can help.

With love

CarryOnDancing Tue 24-Dec-13 21:59:09

You don't need someone to tell you that you are wrong and how you should better yourself. He's your husband not your parent or lifecoach. A marriage should be about building and growing together by supporting each other. For me, one of the absolute keys to this is to help your partner to remain the person they fell in love with.
Sometimes life throws crap our way and we can be misled because of stress and depression etc. It is the job of your OH to hold your hand and remind you every day why he loves you. He isn't there to teach you a bloody lesson!

Some people get ill themselves watching loved ones being ill as they just so badly want to help them. Instead of supporting you, your OH is holding your head under the water. He is temporarily letting your head rise (by apologising and laying off for a short time) but just when you start to look around and realise that things aren't right, he's pushing you back under with his controlling behaviour.

I'm forgetful but my DH doesn't teach me a lesson, like a 50's school child.

The ridiculousness of it all is that he's trying to dress it up like he's got your best interests at heart. Don't be fooled, if he did he would be putting his arm around you and asking what he can do to help as he can see you are struggling. However, then of course is the idea of whether the things he digs at are genuine issues to start with. It sounds like he's intentionally picking issues to control you.

He clearly doesn't respect you, so he can't love you. He just plainly and simply can't. Loving you in the only way he knows (as taught by his father) is just not good enough. Why should you make exceptions at the cost of your health?
Who cares if the house is tidy when one of you is suffering? It doesn't matter one bit how many toys are left out when one of you is crying inside. He should want to help you out of this but the problem is, this place you find yourself-the one where you are questioning yourself and thinking you aren't reaching the acceptable wife standards-has been created by him. It's pure illusion. Other marriages are not like this. There are partners out there who chose to be together as they want to see the best in the other person AND want to play a part in that.

You know all this because you have had that strength but it's just dormant at the minute as he's forced you to hide it.
You are his equal. Not working doesn't make him better. You have put your work life on hold for your little family. You literally can't do everything and you certainly can't do
everything 100% all the time. Nor should you be "expected" to. You are your own person. The same person you were before he made you forget!

Hopefully you will remember who you are and never let him take that away again. He really is a terrible person. I hope you find happiness soon!

CarryOnDancing Tue 24-Dec-13 22:00:31

Sorry that's so long!! Reading your post has really got to me, it's such a terrible situation. I really should work on keeping it brief though!!

Evilwater Tue 24-Dec-13 22:19:14

Just reading this reminds me of how I thought when I was with my ex.
It got to a point where in a argument of who takes out the bin, my ex would say "at least I've never hit you" and "your a unfit mother, if you don't do..... Ill phone SS and take your son away" "cause they will believe me as I always have more money than you"

He would always, say he was sorry. But of course it's my fault cause I didn't listen or I'm always having fun and not working every single hours like him. "Cause being a mum is a holiday".

I'm now living in rented acclimation, waiting for my money from the house. Please don't think it's you, it's not.

The question is are you happy?

MudCity Tue 24-Dec-13 22:19:14

I'm so sorry to read your post.

I think, as other posters have said, you should go to your GP and tell them everything. They will be able to direct you towards the support you need for YOU at the moment. Even getting help with the nausea and tiredness will help you feel physically stronger and more able to do what you need to do to deal with all of this.

You sound really low so look after yourself. Make sure you eat enough and pace yourself. And, make that appointment with your GP as soon as they reopen (or contact the out of hours service if you need help before then).

Do you think you, or your DH (or both of you) could be depressed? Depression is horrible and can turn people into someone unrecognisable. This is in no way making excuses for his behaviour...far from it...but it does help to understand that this is not your fault.

Do seek help.

Sending you a big hug. xxx

Loggins Wed 25-Dec-13 01:24:54

This Christmas looks shit for you sad Ignore him best you can
You need to remember who you are, how strong you are, its not 'I was', its 'I am'
Stick with that and next Christmas will be great, promise

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Wed 25-Dec-13 09:05:01

Good luck today op.

ChasedByBees Wed 25-Dec-13 09:21:45

Merry Christmas Helen, wishing you a new start in 2014.

myroomisatip Wed 25-Dec-13 09:26:39

Wishing you a peaceful day too. So sorry to read about what you are going through.

I hope you can find the strength to leave.

HelenHuntingdon Wed 25-Dec-13 10:08:47

Thank you everyone.

Merry Christmas to you all too xx

Meerka Wed 25-Dec-13 10:33:29

Good luck Helen, you've got people thinking of you and wishing you strength and joy of your daughter today

tribpot Wed 25-Dec-13 11:11:06

Merry Christmas, Helen.

Cybercat Wed 25-Dec-13 11:26:28

Merry Christmas lovely. Get yourself through the day and in the New Year get yourself the hell out. This is no marriage and there is neither love or respect here either. You deserve better and so do your children. This is no man you are married too, please dont waste the best years of your life with someone who isnt deserving of you.

Earlspearl Wed 25-Dec-13 12:59:52

I agree get yourself through Xmas and then disappear in the New year.

Even if you don't leave properly in the end, you need to separate for a while so he can reflect on his behaviour.

Maybe you need to present yourself as homeless to the council in the new year?

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 15:14:41

Yes, get out asap. Make sure this is the last horrible Xmas you have.

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 15:48:27

Yes, get out asap. Make sure this is the last horrible Xmas you have.

DoingItForMyself Wed 25-Dec-13 16:22:54

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this as I've just skimmed the thread, but ask your GP to check your thyroid. The GF and pregnancy could have caused your thyroid to malfunction which can make you feel like you have GF constantly, tiredness, aching and foggy brain etc.

Your h is still an arse but if you can get yourself feeling better you will be better able to make the decisions you need to make and to take care of yourself.

EachAndEveryHighway Thu 26-Dec-13 12:15:24

Read this yesterday, and felt so sorry for you being so isolated and having such a shit of a partner. Hope you're ok, and making a plan to get out.

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