Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does the OW ever win the married man?

(214 Posts)
Mintymoomoo Sun 22-Dec-13 13:53:11

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

jellybeans Sun 22-Dec-13 14:14:30

I think a very low number actually leave. I know one person who was an OW and it lasted 10 years but was unhappy for much of it. She said it was like a movie romance at the beginning ahile they were sneaking around. I know one other person who is still with the OW after about 5 yrs. The think is though people always think of what they did when they think of them, it is always hanging over their heads like a dirty shame. the kids will grow up knowing/finding it out etc. is it really worth it? I read that 90% of MM don't go off with OW and feel that is probably about right. The affair is only great because it is escapsim. Throw in bills, kids, exes etc and you have as many, if not more, stresses as the first marriage.

NoComet Sun 22-Dec-13 14:14:36

Yes, after DW threw the lying cheating bastard out.

Faverolles Sun 22-Dec-13 14:16:27

Fil's OW stuck around for over 30 years, and probably feels she's own, as mil died.
But what a prize - she now officially has an elderly, mysoginistic, controlling, abusive twat as a partner.
Lucky thing hmm. From what I know of her though, they are well matched.

Leavenheath Sun 22-Dec-13 14:17:20

There's no one size fits all.

Some people have affairs and would never do so again and that applies equally to people who've left for the OW/OM or who chose to stay in their marriages. The ones who regret their behaviour and wish they'd handled things differently might still be good people who are entitled to be prized and cherished by their current partners and in a sense, the people who've learnt from their mistakes are probably less likely to be unfaithful again than someone whose fidelity has never even been tested.

The thing that always strikes me about this issue is that the person who's selfish enough to have an affair, generally chooses the option that suits him or her personally. So if they stay with their wives or husbands, they really aren't signing themselves up to live in a loveless marriage and they really aren't staying 'for the children'. They stay because ultimately, they prefer the status quo to what's being offered by someone else and at the point when that decision has to be made, are behaving far too selfishly to put anyone else first other than themselves.

If what's being offered is considered to be better for them personally, they will leave. The ones who do and learn from the experience are probably safe bets. The ones who blame everyone else for their own decisions are not.

Mintymoomoo Sun 22-Dec-13 14:21:34


This is a genuine ask! No my myself is not or ever has been involved with a married man!

Was just looking for views really as I said me and few friends had a long chat about this this morning and I used to think the same, the married man never leaves, if wife finds out it then they tend to do what they can to keep wife/family...... But this was all until I started reading these post and there are slot of women who have been left for OW ( though a lot of that seems to be because they kicked the cheating arses out)

But no friend is having affair and that's why question is playing on mind and we were trying to convince her he will never ever leave and that if she is unhappy with her marriage then to deal with that regardless of what the married man is going to do

ajandjjmum Sun 22-Dec-13 14:22:29

They might 'win' the MM, but the 'MM' inevitably loses all that is really important in his life - often the love and respect of his children and wider family.

SirChenjin Sun 22-Dec-13 14:23:15


People aren't possessions you know hmm. There are affairs and there are love affairs. I would imagine that the former doesn't involve the person leaving the marriage and latter often results in the breakup of a marriage which probably isn't very happy, with the man/woman involved then going on to form a new and often happy relationship. All this talk of 'it creates a vacancy' is just silly - every relationship is different.

BlueStonesBells Sun 22-Dec-13 14:24:26

I'd say in about half the cases I've seen, yes, the OW ends up married to the man. Obviously there are probably a lot more secret affairs going on, though.

Rosencrantz Sun 22-Dec-13 14:25:17

In my experience of being the OW... And I was for 3 years, the husband gets nothing.

Wife left, as did I.

Wife was an incredibly clever lady. I was the stupid one. Thank god I learnt something from her.

Husband now gets his affection from women who exchange cash for it.

HairyGrotter Sun 22-Dec-13 14:27:14

My father married the OW, still are married but she certainly didn't win, he's a functioning alcoholic, and our family barely speak or see him. He lost 4 kids, and 7 grand kids with his actions, lucky man hmm

Mintymoomoo Sun 22-Dec-13 14:34:10

Again WIN prob was totally the wrong word!

Seems to be a mixture of views here, few people generally seem to be able to have a long, healthly, happy relationship as a result of a affair. But for me I don't think I would ever be able to trust (once a cheat always a cheat)

And yes there is also the whole losing family/respect aspect to, which is one I was desperately trying to put across to friend, they are from different cultures, he has told her he would be disowned and lose everything family, business for being with a western women ...... Yet she has thins idea in her head that not stright away but in a few years he will leave and marry her and live happily ever after

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 22-Dec-13 14:34:25

DM's first marriage broke up because the H met an "old flame". She threw him out. 35 yrs later him and the OW are still together. I wouldn't say they've had the best life together, but that's due to their personalities, rather then how they met.

SkoggyCat Sun 22-Dec-13 14:39:30

Hmm. I think some do. I think many men are in it for the thrill. Some are in it for 'love' but they don't love the OW enough to sacrifice the comforts of their marriage. My father left for mt stepmother. They are very happy and very much in love. They have been married for 25yrs, three other children. My mother has come to an uneasy tolerance of him. I don't like what he did to us and hate what he did to my mother (I've forgiven my SM as she didn't know it was an affair, but I don't think I can forgive him) BUT from my rememberence of my DPs' marriage, he's happier. That doesn't excuse what he did (why not get a divorce or at least officially separate?) but I think sometimes they can 'win'.

drasticpark Sun 22-Dec-13 14:40:43

My ex had an 18 month affair and I kicked him out 3.5 years ago. He's still with OW. He lives alone in a rented flat as ds age 12 refuses to even have her name mentioned let alone meet her again. Whether they are happy is another question and I have no interest in the answer. Judging by his continued and significant venomous anger at me I would say probably not. I'm ok though. I feel sorry for them.

varigatedivy Sun 22-Dec-13 14:40:49

I've known quite a few marriages break up for Ow/OM- friends, neighbours, colleagues.
One- friend of a friend- had been the OW/OM for 25 years.

I think the stats are something like 30% of marriages end if affair discovered, 30% recover and 30% go to the OM/OW.

noisytoys Sun 22-Dec-13 14:41:15

DH had an OW. I threw him out. I don't care if she ultimately 'wins' him it's a pretty shit prize

Leavenheath Sun 22-Dec-13 14:45:29

And the other 10% are unknown? grin

Thing is, there are no reliable stats or data on this. All surveys are compromised by the size of the sample and whether the respondents are telling the truth.

All we can share are anecdotes and our own experiences, but even then this is a (relatively) small sample and no-one knows whether someone using an anonymous forum is telling the truth.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 22-Dec-13 14:49:18

I kicked him out, he ended up with OW. I have heard that she has to keep him on a very short leash as he has 'form' for lying, cheating and sneaking around.
She had already lost her licence through drink driving, ExH will lose his in court tomorrow, may lose his job and has reduced contact with DD due to her being in the car when he was arrested.
I would say they are on the losing team.

Mintymoomoo Sun 22-Dec-13 14:55:17


God he was caught drink driving with your daughter in the car???? That's bloody awful

They do dound like a pair of losers! What a miserable existence

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 22-Dec-13 14:59:31

Oh yes minty just another chapter in their saga, fortunately as it is on police record rather than just my word against his it acts as irrefutable evidence in the contact case.

Monetbyhimself Sun 22-Dec-13 15:02:53

Yeah OW 'won' my husband. I'm happy to settle for 'losing' the abusive, cheating little shit in the sack scrote wink

FloWhite Sun 22-Dec-13 15:06:28

As far as I know OW number 1 didn't 'win' my ex as I believe she may (still) be competing with OW number 2 who did grin.

As to whether he/they are happy I honestly don't know - he lost the loyalty and love of my DS's who cut him off and our daughter has virtually no contact. Sad, really.

Inthequietcoach Sun 22-Dec-13 15:16:02

Yes, OW is still with my XH1, they have two dc now. I know you already explained win was the wrong word, but socially, yes, they would look like the proper family, whereas I went on to have failed marriage no2, and another dc, so am a single parent of dc with two different dads.

I would say she did not win, more that she was more the kind of woman he wanted, but did not realise, that is, she has never worked and looks after everything for him, even when he was unemployed for quite a long time. Whereas, I worked and expected him to help at home. Just as well, because it meant I could afford to be left for OW, iyswim. But they seem quite happy and better suited than we were, I hope so at least.

WooWooOwl Sun 22-Dec-13 15:22:42

I have a friend who was the OW, she has been happily married for (I think) 14 years now. They appear to have a lovely marriage.

The first wife ended up in a relationship with her ex husbands friend.

hookedonchoc Sun 22-Dec-13 15:42:43

A man I know was a serial adulterer. He married at 23 and had first OW at 25 or so. He would lose interest after a few years and get a new mistress. He was always "madly in love" with them until he got bored. He thought his affairs were secret, but his DW knew but stayed because she took her vows seriously (born in 1930s). His affairs finally stopped when he got cancer in his late 50s, which he got over, but he is now a lonely widower with many regrets. No winners as far as I can see.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now