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Sorry that I ramble on but really need handholding now...

(250 Posts)
Livingtothefull Fri 20-Dec-13 23:18:54

I have posted previously about my situation and have probably bored every reader senseless as I do tend to write too much. I just need to find a way to get through the time I am having:

My DS (12) is severely disabled, wheelchair bound, has epilepsy, cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties. He has recently had major surgery and is still in severe pain. It turns out that this is caused by stretching of the nerves at the back of his legs which has only just been diagnosed & medicated (god only knows how painful this has been for him). We (DH & I) have to give him physio several times a day, this is excruciating for him & he lashes out at us. This will have to continue over Xmas.

In the meantime I am unemployed and actively jobseeking. As you know it is a very competitive market and this translates into rejection after rejection, even at interview stage. If I don't get a job by early next year then we are stuffed as we can't afford to live for very long on one income. I am scared that i may face my DS being made homeless; i tell myself it won't come to that. It is very hard to take; I am not a confident person but feel at rock bottom now. What on earth is the matter with me?

I am trying to complete a Masters degree; am on the last part of the last module so am tantalisingly close. I have one more piece of work to complete; the deadline is 7 Jan. I can't extend this date; I have already had an extension due to mitigation re my DS condition & I won't get another one. I am not even panicking, which is bad; I just sit here mesmerised my the magnitude of what I have to accomplish by 7 Jan. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I have to do it....somehow or other.

What is it that seeps through this post? Anger, panic and despair......I feel that I am failing and I just feel very sad today. How do I keep going and trust that things will get better? How do I keep myself sane? Where does confidence come from? I never had it so I don't know what it feels like. I just try to tell myself that I will complete the study project somehow or other, DS will recover and next year will be better. But I am not confident of any of this & feel hugely resentful that life has to be so hard.

Livingtothefull Sat 15-Feb-14 19:54:22

DS smiles a lot, he is a happy boy. In Summer we sit outside in pub gardens, he keeps offering to get other people drinks. When we try to restrain him he gets really indignant: 'But I'm socialising'.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sat 15-Feb-14 20:02:25

He can buy me a drink anytime smile

Livingtothefull Tue 01-Apr-14 20:51:50

I am finding it all so so hard. DS has had his funding cut for his annual adventure holiday. Things - benefits and services - that we relied on are just being taken away.

I am just so so sorry, I have lost faith in a benign God. I had faith that the universe was ultimately good, I was brought up that way. I have lost faith that the universe wants to nurture my DS. I have seen enough suffering on the part of DS to disabuse me of that notion.

I am scared in writing this, that I might undermine someone else's faith. Yes - I am scared that I might injure someone else by saying things that might threaten their faith; that has constrained me so far. I don't want to risk harm of any kind to anyone.

But the almighty God doesn't care how much my faith is threatened. He doesn't care how much my sweet DS suffers. He cares less about me and DS, than i do about other people. What does that say about God's capacity for love? I am nobody special - average at best; but even I can do better and demonstrate more love for others than God can manag for DS and me.

I am forced to conclude that the almighty, all loving God does not give a shit about my DS. If He did, I rather think He would have shown it by now.

oscar126 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:37:26

Hello, Livingtothefull

I don't know what to say that might help and I'm sure someone more able like that will be along shortly. But I didn't want to read and run. Hang on...

KeatsiePie Wed 02-Apr-14 04:19:55

Living I don't know if this will help, but do you have a church, with a pastor you could talk to? It sounds like you are so badly in need of that. I think if you were raised in a faith and do believe in God then it's very, very painful to feel like you were wrong and are not cared about. I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now thanks

KeatsiePie Wed 02-Apr-14 04:20:50

I think also, if you want to read something Christian, that C.S. Lewis is very helpful.

Livingtothefull Wed 02-Apr-14 14:25:31

Thank you both. Yes Keatsie, CS Lewis is a great Christian writer and I am familiar with much of his work. Furthermore, he knew about despair.

I am far from despairing....will never give up for my DS sake. But things are not getting easier, I keep hoping they will but they just don't, refuse to do so. Latest things to happen are:

MIL passed away a couple of weeks ago, DH off sick with stress & depression. His blood pressure is sky high.

DH has been informed that his department will be facing redundancies later in the year.

I have taken on a few temporary work assignments including a 'temporary to permanent' role which didn't work out, they decided after a week that they didn't like me enough to keep me on. I am trying to be conscientious at work but am struggling to show sustained enthusiasm, & I suppose it is showing.

DS has for the past few years been going on an annual adventure holiday funded by the Borough,it was a great opportunity to do some fun & physically challenging stuff (kayaking, rock climbing etc) & he loved it. We have just been notified that it has been scrapped this year onwards due to lack of funding....almost as bad as being told this was having to explain to DS that he won't be going any more. Self funded is prohibitive due to cost (especially with me out of work) we are trying to arrange for support from elsewhere.

No I don't feel I or DH are cared about....but we are adults & can care for ourselves. What upsets me is when DS is not cared about. I feel sad that DS loves life so much & it just refuses to love him back.

Livingtothefull Thu 03-Apr-14 23:33:23

DH went on a pub crawl today with his best friend who rang, completely drunk, to say that my 'beloved' was inebriated too. I tried to ring him back several times & sent him several text messages as I was worried about him. DS was also repeatedly asking where he was.

When DH finally got home, he complained about me checking up on him. I was just worried, but he always puts the worst possible interpretation on my actions.

DH then broke down and started sobbing when talking to a relative on the phone. I tried to comfort him but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. i know the stress of the past few months, followed by this bereavement, have got to him……

i thought that if i got my MA I would be blissfully happy. It hasn't quite worked out that way - though I am still very satisfied and proud to have achieved it. Blissful happiness, though, is not going to figure in my life for the foreseeable future.

No news re job front……3 job interviews for which I was promised a response by today, no news as yet. I just want a job, is it too much to ask?

I am so so sorry for all this self pity. I am sure it is counting against me. I just dearly want life to get easier & it refuses to do so.

Livingtothefull Sat 05-Apr-14 00:01:06

Well out of the 3 job interviews I have received two 'nos'; am still awaiting news re the 3rd. But if they wanted to snap me up, i believe they would have done so by now.

The feedback I had is that i did a really good interview, they were impressed with me & thought i would fit in well. Evidently though, they are holding out for something better.

Please tell me where I am going wrong. Is there something staring you in the face, some elephant in the room that i am missing?

Livingtothefull Sat 05-Apr-14 00:18:46

i am saying that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, when DH would rather not turn to me for comfort when he is bereaved. Please tell me if there is something wrong with me that I haven't acknowledged, that jumps out of these pages, that I need to work on?

hevak Sat 05-Apr-14 00:42:36

Hi Living I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't improved very much. I remember reading this thread when you first started it, but I felt (still feel) I couldn't come up with any useful advice so I'd leave the wiser posters of MN to reply to you.

I can tell you that I'm in awe of you! Your strength and determination shine through your posts, and your love for your family is a wonderful thing to read about. I'm amazed you managed to get your MA with everything else that's been going on - it's a fabulous achievement!

I'm sorry your DS won't be able to go on his adventure holiday this year, perhaps when you get a new job you could manage to take him on a day out doing one of the activities he does on the holiday? That would be cheaper than a whole adventure holiday. I'm glad his nerve problems on his legs have been identified and he's getting treatment, I'm sure his day to day life is easier now that pain is being alleviated.

I hope you get a job soon, it sounds like you're getting lots of interviews so it's only a matter of time until an interview turns into a job.

I'm heading to bed now so won't see any replies, hopefully someone else will be along soon with some practical advice. Best wishes to you and your family smile

hevak Sat 05-Apr-14 00:45:11

PS - in response to your question, there is NOTHING fundamentally wrong with you! Stop being silly ;)

thanks for you

trufflehunterthebadger Sat 05-Apr-14 00:49:33

Op, where do you live ? If you are near east sussex i may be able to assist with a short break as my rotary club run an adventure weekend for young people with severe disabilities

Livingtothefull Sat 05-Apr-14 01:03:21

I have been thinking about suicide; then it's 'but i can't do anything to harm myself. DS needs me & I can't and won't abandon him'. So i don't.

i have a horrible feeling though that all the hard work has been for nothing. The latest advice that I have received? That I should not mention my MA as it counts against me, employers will think that i am over qualified for the roles I am applying for & that I won't stay.

So the very things about myself that I am most proud of - that I care for my DS despite all the difficulties, that I got myself qualified despite the adverse circumstances - these are the very things that I am advised to keep quiet about. But I am still supposed to sell myself in interviews, let the authentic 'me' shine out?

I have thought about suicide but I think I owe my DS better than to give up. I have to do what I have to do, what must be done. I have to be there for and care for my DS, try my best to get a decent career in order to provide for DS, and never give up on him.

I just don't feel good about myself and I know that this would all be easier if I did. I am writing this feeling that I have no pride left. I refer to 'I' and 'me' a lot but feel there is not much of a 'me', to write about. The things that I am proudest of - tenacity and hard earned qualifications (no value to employers), empathy and compassion (no value to DH, he turns to anyone rather than me for support, he poured his heart out to his friend last night I gather) are the things that nobody wants.

There is literally nothing left for me but to carry on doing what must be done and to scrupulously avoid hurting my DS and family.

Livingtothefull Sat 05-Apr-14 01:17:07

I will always do the right thing for my DS. So will never give up on myself for his sake. But I believe now that I have been set up to fail. I have lost all confidence, it has just gone. I wish he had a better DM than me.

Livingtothefull Sat 05-Apr-14 01:36:28

Thank you both. hevak - I wish I could believe that there was nothing wrong with me… do I believe that? I am worrying about my own value as a human being, when I should be entirely focused on my DS needs. If i am inferior then so be it, as long as I support DS the way he deserves to be supported……but I need to know that I am doing rewarding work & incidentally contributing to DS well being. At the moment I am just not.

I am not a person as such….just a conduit for safeguarding DS and providing what he needs.

I went to GP and asked for some modification to turn off the fear spigot in my head. So I have some & hopefully it will work.

trufflehunter….many thanks for your message. I am in Middlesex, so a little way away from you.

oaksettle Sat 05-Apr-14 01:37:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Livingtothefull Sat 05-Apr-14 02:00:59

Thanks oaksettle for that. I like to hope I am a good mother to DS, I love my sweet boy. I live in hope that one day we will come through this and things will get easier.

I wish I understood DH reasons for not wanting to share with me. I just fear the worst, it could be that he just wants to shield me from pain but it feels like a rejection to me.

EBearhug Sat 05-Apr-14 02:10:13

Your DH might just realise how much pressure you're under and doesn't want to increase it by sharing his grief. He might not realise it might help you for him to confide. I don't know, obviously, but please try not to assume it's for bad reasons without talking to him (I know that's far easier said than done.) Grief is a very weird beast anyway, and you can never be sure how someone will react to it.

Fingers crossed for the third job. It's a hard market out there, and you've got so much on. I hope you can get some support. Good luck and sleep well. Bad sleep makes everything a hundred times harder to deal with.

KeatsiePie Sat 05-Apr-14 05:07:05

I too think you just sound terribly, terribly tired and worn down. I admit I have not read from the beginning of your thread, just found it recently, but the only thing that jumps out at me from your recent posts is how weary and how bereft of comfort and hope you feel. I sincerely doubt there is anything at all fundamentally wrong with you.

Wrt. your DH seeking comfort elsewhere .... I understand that that might feel very painful, but I think you should try to remember that you are so sad and worried right now that you're going to be oversensitive. I don't know you or him, of course, but I see no reason to think that he did so to hurt or exclude you.

My DH is my primary source of comfort and reassurance. But he's not my only source. Times when things have been hard for both of us, I have talked to family or close friends instead as I didn't want to burden him further or make him feel worse. And then too it can help to talk to someone who is not involved with the problem -- even if they can't really help, it can be so good to be able to talk through the problem, to really let it all out, and sometimes you can't do that with your partner, if only b/c they are already well-acquainted with the problem and don't need/want to hear it all from the beginning.

C.S. Lewis did indeed know about despair. I've also started to read Bonhoeffer lately and he too knew a lot, from what I understand, about dark times. I do tend to say things like this so please ignore if it doesn't suit you, but I really think finding something to read and/or a church community or pastor might be good for you. If I knew what to recommend, I would. Thinking of you thanks

antimatter Sat 05-Apr-14 05:37:20

I am not sure if I can add anything useful but you come across as very caring and sensitive person. Very hard working and genuine too.

Because you care you feel helpless that all those things you do are not bringing desired results. But getting interviews is a very good signs - I feel you will find job soon, all that practice you are getting now will pay off very soon.
I admire you for completing MA in your circumstances. You should be very, very proud!

may people say during interviews things which sound right - answers are to suit employer. And you know what - if they aren't genuine those people will struggle in their jobs, I've seen it over and over again.

I hope you can get some respite soon. Are there other charities or organisations which can help with such holidays?
My heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope you will be given that break very soon.

NotJustACigar Sat 05-Apr-14 10:54:14

Living you sound like an amazing and loving mother and an all-around good person. I am hoping so much something good happens for you soon.

I wonder whether there is anything in your body language, dress style, or manner of speaking that is making interviewers think you won't be committed and enthusiastic about the job you're interviewing for? How do you dress? Do you do a lot of research about the job and company so you can ask well-informed questions? Do you look the interviewer in the eye with confidence? Do you (and I hate to ask this) mention your son and the fact that your attendance may suffer because of his needs ;as I think it would be a mistake to do so)?

I wonder whether it would be helpful to videotape yourself in a mock interview or else would you be willing to do a mock interview over video Skype? I don't myself have the experience to critique you in a mock interview but I'm sure there are posters her who do. Or my DH is a manager who has conducted many interviews and I will ask him if he would do it for you if you're interested?

Livingtothefull Tue 08-Apr-14 14:54:45

Thanks again all. NotJustACigar - thanks so so much for your offer of help. I am worried that there may be an 'elephant in the room' re my interview performance which is causing the rejections.

I maybe just need to identify the strengths I can bring to the role and articulate these better. I think I dress appropriately for interview and no, I don't ever mention my DS or personal circumstances, keep everything job specific. The trouble is, the constant rejections are causing me to lose heart and I would imagine that this comes across however much I think I hide it.

I often actually get v good feedback but there is always some reason why they don't want to offer me the job. Eg still awaiting the outcome of an interview done a couple of weeks ago. The feedback was all positive - that I demonstrated could do the role, was a great cultural fit etc. Since then: nothing. I have chased but haven't had any decision back from the interviewer. So I assume that no news is bad news, it usually is.

Simile Tue 08-Apr-14 19:20:32

Keep going Living. I spent a year job seeking after being made redundant from my senior specialist role. I thought I would bounce into another similar job. Nope. In the end I applied for ANY job that I thought I could do. I too was advised to downplay my cv just to get my foot in the door.

Then it happened, I got two job offers in a week. One while I was in the interview room! Then they fought over me. shock

So chin up, there will be a job for you. You are getting positive feedback so stick at it. Is there any way you can volunteer to show you're doing something at the moment? One day a week would do
it. Shows you are proactive and have interests.

Livingtothefull Tue 08-Apr-14 23:09:20

Thanks Simile. Yes I just want to find the right role…..hoped that the MA would make me more competitive, is frustrating that this is not proving to be the case.

I will keep plugging away, there is nothing else to be done. I still live in hope that the right role will come along although that hope is very badly tested. I am hoping that there might come a time when I might look back, having moved on to much better times than these, and think 'If I had only known how good the future was going to be, I would never have fretted or worried so much'.

I want to feel more positive myself; want to feel that I have rock solid confidence and that, whatever there is to undermine me, it is at least all 'out there'; with no cold undermining hand any more that grips my heart and forces me to feel inadequate to most other people. I don't know how to be free of that fear. I want to feel pride in myself & I just don't.

Being the subject of sometimes quite harsh and personal criticism (as an outcome of all these job interviews) is just crushing me.

DH blew up at me this evening because there was some paperwork and dirty crockery that I had not immediately cleaned away. My problem, according to him, is 'you are so bloody lazy'. Not trying to justify it but he is under immense stress himself; sometimes there is no outlet for it but me. It is just yet more crushing criticism though for me to soak up. Nobody has anything much good to say about me these days; not in real life.

We live in hope that one day DS might be able to walk albeit with a frame. At the moment we are trying to build his muscles up. DS has suffered so much. He had his painful, physically challenging physiotherapy session this morning….what it costs him just to straighten his legs. It's a daily reminder of how harsh and unfair life is.

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