Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can a leopard permanently change its spots? How can i stop worrying and feeling insecure - long story(23 Posts)
Hello, im new on here so please bare with me.
Basically ive been with my husband nearly 8 years in May 2014 (married just over 2 years, have 4 kids).
We got into a relationship pretty quick after meeting at a friends party we got on great and had an instant connection. I knew from the start he had a few issues and so did i which i wont go into. I also knew he took drugs casually the night i got with him i found out after that he had been taking pills. Dispite this our relationship was good from early on in the relationship we would stay together most nights which was great but come weekend he would be with his mates who used to have all night partys where drugs were usually involved. I did say to him it had to stop and everytime he would say i promise ill stop going and doing drugs but i found out he was lying about where he was going to be with them. Early in the August i told him id had enough and it had to stop or i was ending things it gave him a kick up the backside and things were great again we even had a weekend away which was great But then August bank holiday weekend he did a dissapearing act for 3 nights nowhere knew where he was me and his parents were really worried. Turns out he had been with his druggy mates on a camping trip where they had all been doing pills and cocaine and god knows what else. I was devastated and feeled betrayed so i ended things, he seemed heart broken which made it worse. I also found out from a mutual friend he had slept with someone
Although i ended things we were still in touch and i missed him loads, in the october i started seeing someone else and i also found out he was seeing some girl who was part of the druggy crew even then we were still in touch he would txt me all the time over silly little things. Stopped hearing from him in November and i realised i missed him even more but i was plodding on with this new lad who tbh i didnt feel anything for, end of November i had a visit from his mum asking if i could arrange to meet him as she was worried and his dad had kicked him out of the family home after he had been caught with coke and he had had some mates in the house who had stolen something. She was worried sick as now he was with these idiots 24/7, she said he had told her he misses me and was heartbroken that he had lost me, she assured me that his feelings were genuine and only i could get through to him. So i did, we met up for a coffee after work as we both worked near each other, was shocked to see the state of him. He asked if he could move in with me at my parents house for a bit to sort himself out, i automatically said no. After that we stayed intouch i was desperately trying to fight my feelings. Anyway Christmas came and he came round with me a gift (first time id seen him since we went for coffee) he looked worse than ever looks like he hadnt eaten in ages or anything, my present was a heart shaped pendant which he had engraved "sorry" on the back. I ended up in bed with him and was great was like the first time all over again but i felt bad as was seeing this lad. He thought this meant we were getting back together but quickly told him no i cant be with him while hes hanging round these people and doing drugs and getting off with little tarts.
After a lousy Christmas and new year on the 3rd of December i had a call off his sister that he was in hospital the idiot had taken an over dose he was fine but they thought it would benefit him seeing me, i did go was horrible and while i was there this lass he had been seeing turned up with his mate but he told them to go away, we had a long chat he told me his parents were letting him home and he was going to sort his life out as he was on verge of loosing his job too. We were intouch loads and was surprised how his attitude had changed, anyway my bday 16th January and 2 days before i decided to end it with my bf it wasnt going anywhere think he just wanted me for sex anyway and i told my now husband him and he asked if he could take me out for my birthday which i said yes, we just went for a meal was lovely felt like the old Matthew i knew when we got back together. The week later we got back together officailally and been together since.
My problem is and has been since then (he knows how i feel btw) whenever he goes out with mates i worry myself stupid over what hes doing, even though hes cut ties with this group he was going round with he has friends who do do drugs still and unlike the others would never put pressure him to take part. I also worry about him going with other lasses im still not 100% sure it was only the 1 time when he cheated, i trust his word what he says nowadays but back then he was lying for England and ive accepted what happened happened i still feel haunted and like i need to be on my guard.
I know he loves me loads, we have a lovely family life nice home and he works hard to provide for us so why (especially this time of year) do i worry so much? Hes going to a friends house party on friday i cant go as no sitter but last year we both went and they were doing coke we didnt stay long but his friends said to him hes not allowed home early this time. He also went pub about 6 weeks ago and he bumped into my friend who then txt me and told me he was chatting to some lass very friendly, which made my heart jump into my mouth. He said it was just an old school lass who he has on fb nothing in it at all.
Has anyone been in my situation and can offer some words? Sorry its a long one btw. Just never chat about this as my family and friends dont understand they still think im mad for taking him back, my mum especially is waiting for him to screw up.
Thanks for reading
Was going to say it depends what the "spots" are.
In this case I'm not sure it matters.
You were pressured into this relationship by his family and him against your better judgement and now you are finding you can't trust him.
What a tough situation but I think really without trust how much longer can this relationship go on?
He's not really doing anything to help is he?
The reason he has managed to make a new group of druggy loser mates is because he is still a druggy loser. The reason your mate was worried enough to text is because he still has crappy boundaries.
Thanks for replying, wouldnt say i was pressured by his family but yer i guess they just wanted him to get back on straight and norrow. His family are great though so not gonna slag them off for wanting best for him.
Im fine at trusting him most the time but then something can happen and i worry myself silly, luckilly he doesnt go out much on his own anyway as works long hours and when es not working hes at home with the kids i actually go out more than him.
I do believe he hasnt touched drugs since January 2007 since the od. He wouldnt risk loosing me or kids he knows i mean what i say. I wouldnt class him as a looser but all his mates have this side to them not sure if it the area he grew up in or what but we dont live that close to many of them thank god
I think you have to forgive him if you want to move on. I'd suggest some couples counselling. He's probably doing nothing wrong.
I dont know why i still feel so paranoid about it, we do have a great life together. I just feel like i cant let my guard down.
All this happened when he was 20 hes nearly 29 now im hoping it may of just been a late teenage phase. He has had a lot of problems in life previous to the drugs which i wont go into. I know i havent painted a great picture of him but he is lovely hes such a good dad i was actually really surprised when i had my eldest
Im not perfect either and i have my own insecurities about my younger days too, i have had problems with drink aged 18-20 where i nearly messed my life up, getting back with him after his OD actually saved me aswell
I have forgiven just struggling to forget. And it doesnt help when certin people are just waiting for him to mess up
Being fine when he stays at work or with you and only not trusting him when he goes out is not trusting him.
I didn't mean so much that he is definitely using drugs although I think it is highly likely if he is still seeking out drug taking friends. He has not moved on from that culture which is why he sought out other friends who take drugs.
What you say about them not putting pressure on him to take them is also highly unlikely since you mention them putting pressure on him to stay out all night.
His behaviour with the girl 6 weeks ago must have been pretty dodgy for your friend to text you about it but he has just completely minimised it.
i get what your saying the friends hes with this week is actually childhood best friend, he doesnt have anything to do with the other ones at all. In fact they have caused a few problems in the past giving him crap on fb about been under the thumb etc. He goes out alot with his uncle and cousin when he gets chance i trust him completely, its more these house partys that people he knows like havin so much
The lass in the pub i do think i over reacted over, my friend who txt just likes a drama. He showed me her fb and shes in a relationship with kids and looks happy so i do believe him on that.
Just wish i could be a bit more care free
I'll return to the original point in that case - whether he is untrustworthy or you are paranoid does not matter. What matters is you don't trust him. That will eventually wreck the relationship.
i know it will wreck it, why i need some advice on how i can put the past behind us. In 7 years ive had about 5-6 moments when i obsess over the past is this normal?
I'm not sure you can if you haven't been able to for so long already.
I honestly think it sounds as if he's done nothing to reassure you things are different but tbh I think considering the way you got together and all the issues there have been, which seem to just have been brushed under the carpet, it may just prove to be too much.
He cheated on you, he hasn't been honest (and therefore taken responsibility for it), he hasn't eliminated drugs from his life, he still has crappy boundaries with women - not sure why her being in a happy relationship with kids would have any effect on his behaviour towards her in the pub and I don't think anyone would bother texting you something made up about his behaviour.
The friend may well be dramatic and taking the opportunity to create a drama but if he wasn't behaving inappropriately she'd have had nothing to say.
They were only chatting though my friend never said he was doing anything just that he was chatting to a lass and looked very friendly but he was with his cousin at the time and his gf and they said they hardly noticed him talking to anyone and just to ignore it.
He knows how i fel and he does try to reassure me he used to be very ott in the past but i think he cba now at deffending himself. I do know he loves me, we never fall out or anything and the only times we have ts been that 5/6 times over me been paranoid. Ive even threatened taking him on jeremy kyle and he said he was up for it if it proved his love haha
Anyway i havent really painted a good picture of our life
If anyone has been in this or similar situation id love to hear your experiences or advice on how i can deal wit hthe past.
Gotta go now do nursery run, bye
people are just waiting for him to mess up if you are like me, and need occasional reassurance from your support network, ^^that is really going to make it difficult for you to forget. I think you need to have a talk to these people and ask them how long his probation is going to be, and tell them that it makes it difficult for you. If they respond positively, then they are respecting your decision to get back with him. If not, then they are not genuine members of your support network, and you need to disengage from them so that their judgemental attitudes don't contaminate your relationship.
I know thanks, well my family and i arent very close any more (not because of him) my mum just moans constantly although she did dissaprove of us getting back together and given me quite a few lectures she never said anything to his face always to me or bitched to others. Shes alot more nice now were married she never thought we would last said he was too much like my dad :/
Im quite lucky ive met a few ladies last couple years who im quite friendly with they dont know any of this whats gone on in the past they just think were a lovely couple and think i have it made (well i guess i do really could be worse)
I dont have many close friends anymore who knows the situation just drifted apart, me and my husband as soon as we got back together we just kind of closed ourselves off for a bit from others and took its toll on friendships for both of us really
Well my husband is not going to this house party now as its turned into a night out in town and we cant afford it, kinda relieved, but i guess my insecurities will rear again at some point
My current bf when he goes out it is guaranteed that he will binge drink and stay out late, lose stuff, be throwing up etc. This really bugs me but he can't change. We argue loads every time this happens to the point that I feel really really fed up . I understand the insecurity part too and it is very stressful. The reason I get so cross is that he knows how upset I get but just doesn't understand enough to be more considerate to me about the drinking.
Oh and exactly as you have said OP, I feel dread when he announces he's going on a night out and relieved if he doesn't
Hiya, oh gosh yeh it is bad isnt it. well luckilly he doesnt drink much and when he does he just passes out. I used to binge drink really bad used to make myself ill my mum was at her wits end so i know how you must be feeling.
Im glad im not the only 1
From what you said it sounds like you have valid reasons to be worried. With all due respect to the steps he's already taken to stay out of trouble, he's still hanging out with friends who are interested in his previous kind of lifestyle. It's only a matter of time before it blows up. Your relatives are expecting him to slip for a reason.
I don't think you will be able to overcome your anxiety by yourself. It's like fighting a battle single-handedly. You need his input and determination too.
Does he know you're worried when he goes out? Can you put a plan together which completely and radically cuts off any and all chances of him screwing up, including not going out without you, full stop (not even when you can't afford a babysitter and it's 'not fair'). Will he conform to this?
Relationship counseling is another route. But your partner has to be engaged and committed to make it work too, not just you.
The thing is though when i met him he had 3 circles of friends the really bad 1s who were having all nighters were the worse lot they are the ones who he has cut ties with, 2 of them have since been to prison aswell so glad.
The 2nd ones are childhood friends off his street they too do casual drugs but i wouldnt class tem as really bad
And then he has a group he went to college with they too are mostly weed smokers (but i know he wont do weed)
I feel sorry for him that he hardly has any other friends only the odd 1s, like i said earlier he hardly goes out, we usually do go out together with his childhood friends when we do on a night out as far as im aware they dont do drugs its just these horrid house partys. He also goes to pub with his uncle now and then and i arent botherd about that.
He knows how i feel yes, i havent brought the subject up much since our last fall out over it last year. He does make the effort but i think he thinks hes proved himself hes quite proud of himself hes not touched any drugs in so long, but hes the sort of person who if been egged on will do something just to look cool
Party is back on but hes told him hes not going, this is off his own back may i add Said once kids are in bed gonna watch a dvd together instead
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.