Worried that emotionally abusive ex is now EA to our dd

[flummoxedbanana]

We separated four years ago and have a 6 year old daughter. ExH was abusive in pretty much every way to me, but particularly emotionally. I'm worried he's now emotionally abusive to dd but am unsure if I'm too sensitive to it so would appreciate some perspective please.

I posted the other day about him telling dd that Christmas is only on the actual day. When she's with him for Christmas we have it here on a different day. What he's effectively said to her is that if she isn't with him on the actual day then she just has to accept she's missed it altogether.

He said to me, in front of her, that she looked like'a rretarded special needs kid' in her school photo. He says I was being over sensitive when I pulled him up on it as she doesn't know what that means but IMO the mocking and disrespectful inference is clear.

He makes a point of telling dd all the things she's missed out on when with me, even lying about days out/holidays.

I posted the other day about him wanting to send her home from contact because she had chicken pox and he didn't want his pregnant gf to catch it. She asked if his gf could stay at her mum's round the corner and he said it's her home and it wouldn't be fair to ask her to leave. Dd said she thought it was her home too (particularly seeing as she was born there and it's was our family home) and he said she can't call it a home if she chooses to be with me most of the time.

He won't have her talking about her life here.

When she returns from contact she behaves bizarrely. Usually she chats nonstop and is hyper but for the first hour after contact she'll lay around not talking to me or keep hiding and spying on younger dd and I but ignoring my attempts to engage her. She becomes uncharacteristically clingy (usually extremely independent) even wanting to accompany me to the toilet and she cried when I asked her not to follow me upstairs as I was doing a quick Christmas job. Sometimes he doesn't see her fora month and she is nnoticeably a different child.

What do you think?

[EllieInTheRoom]

I think you're right. Your poor little girl, I feel really sad for her. How old is she? How would she feel if you limited contact?

He sounds like an utter arse. I think she needs protecting from him.

Also sympathies for his pg gf - what a miserable life ahead.

[Hissy]

Why on earth did you think he'd be any different with dd to how he is to you/women in general?

Yes he's psychologically abusing her.

What are you going to do to stop it?

I suggest you reduce contact and talk to her about how she feels about going there.

He has no right to upset her, or screw her up mentally.

You are thé only one that can help her.

The more contact she has with him, the more she'll go on to look for a man just like her dad. The LESS contact our dc have with abusers the better.

Please don't let her be damaged any more by this man?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The chickenpox and Christmas Day comments I can sort of see his point but the rest - namecalling, making up things she has missed out on, etc - is just nasty behaviour. However, I think the focus of his hatred is still you, he regards DD as 'yours' and he's doing all of this to hurt you. Your DD may need some professional help if she's reacting the way you describe. She sounds very unsettled

[flummoxedbanana]

Yes, he does very much use dd to try and get at me. He lets her watch inappropriate films which give her nightmares, lets her eat what she likes, lets her behave as she likes and openly tells her he loves her more because of it. If I stick with agreed contact he tells dd she's missed out on seeing family/going to Thorpe Park/parties/Disneyland etc. If I offer extra contact he tells dd.I don't want her and am too busy for her. Dd understands (without me having said anything) that he lies a lot but still her behaviour when she's seen him is horrible to see. He keeps claiming she loves being with him but on the rare occasion I speak to.her when she's there he ensures he turns the tv on at the same time so she's just.like a zombie.because she's.distracted. I really don't know what to do but hate seeing the effect he has on her. Any advice?

Excuse full stops, phone is temperamental!

[maparole]

I can't offer any help at all, but I do deeply sympathise: my ex used to do this sort of thing with his daughter when she was with us. It broke my heart and she wasn't even my own child. I now worry that he might start the same nonsense with our own son (only very recently separated, so we are still finding our way on contact).

With such subtle abuse, it's hard to see what could be done to stop it, but I have decided that if I notice anything untoward about my son I shall act to try to stop contact [but then you have to worry about how a legal wrangle might hurt the dc; horrid situation] .

[bibliomania]

Hi flummoxed, I'm in quite a similiar situation. My ex said something almost identical about dd's birthday, for example, and has tried to stop me celebrating with her at all if it falls on "his" day.

From painful experience, I can tell you that if you reduce contact and he takes it to court, it's endless, expensive, and very difficult for the dc. My advice would be that the first step is to try to get some independent support/counselling for your dd, either through the school or your GP. Hopefully that will help her get her own head straight, and if the stuff she is telling the counsellor is deemed serious enough, you're in a stronger position in court if it's coming from a professional rather than straight from you. It's reassuring for you to think there is some kind of independent oversight.

This to Hissy - I admire your uncompromising stance when it comes to abuse, honestly. But if your ex has just gone to his home country, your advice doesn't always straightforwardly transfer to a situation where there is a (potential) court conflict. You can't just act unilaterally.

[cestlavielife]

agree with independent support/counselling for your dd .

ask gp to refer you both to family therapist. you both need tools going forward - but especially dd.

you wont be able to stop contact for now - unless on advice of a psychologist.

keep channels of communication open with Dd - use reflectiive listening etc- how to talk is good for some ideas -
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

you can jsut hope that ,maybe the month long time between visits is extended.... maybe the new gf being pregnant and having baby will be blessing in disguise. yes you will have to comfort dd if she is rejected - but ultimately you can then move forward...

[DirtyLittleSecrets]

I don't have children, but I have been in your daughter's position. My Dad (very abusive in every way except violence) used to make me feel guilty about my life with my mum and act like he was some kind of victim. As a child I found it very confusing and often hurtful, but as I grew up, I started to see him for what he actually was. My mum never bad mouthed my Dad on the other hand (even though it must have been VERY hard for her not to) and I do appreciate that because it allowed me to make up my own mind without feeling like I was being pulled in two directions.

Your daughter is very young and it must be difficult for her to understand what is happening. I agree with other posters that you should get her some counselling if at all possible just to help keep her grounded. I would also dismiss his comments light-heartedly as "Daddy being silly", but be careful not to bad mouth him. I hate to say it, but from my experience, I would warn you that there probably will come a time when she rebels against you and wants to be with her Dad, but it wont last, she will see through him in the end.

I would also try and have her spend some time with some more positive male role models (if you have brothers, good male friends or your father?) . I learnt so much about relationships and men from my Dad and it led me into some horrible partnerships and I had very low self worth, so you want her to grow up learning that her Dad, isn't normal and not what she should expect from men in general.

I don't know if that helps at all, in an ideal world you would just cut him out of her life, but I know that isn't always possible, so if she has to see him, for now at least, then I would strongly recommend the therapy.