Fed up with partners excuses

[Crunchypeanut]

Please could you tell me if I am being unrealistic and impatient or right to feel upset. I have been with my DP for 4 years and 6 months ago he asked me to get engaged. He is very loving and affectionate, we have a great sex life and get on really, really well and are very happy. However I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship as there is no natural progression. Please let me explain... Sorry if it's a bit long but I really need to give you some background. We both have 2 DC, his live with his EW, mine with me and we got together shortly after separating from our spouses after long marriages but had known each other as couples for many years. Our marriages were over before we started going out and we have both gone on to get divorced. DP lives locally in rented accommodation and is only now really back on his feet financially. He took on all the family debt when he split from his wife and is on a debt repayment plan. He now earns very good money and is able to pay a large amount of Csa ( as he should) , rent, debt and still have a comfortable lifestyle. In the early days he was very dependent on me and I lent him large sums of money running into thousands to get him back on his feet, ie, deposit on flat, car, mortgage arrears on his family home so his children kept a roof over their heads. He has paid me back although it did take much longer than we agreed. A year into our relationship he also took on the family pet at his EW insistence. I am lucky enough to be mortgage free, have good savings and earn a good salary. So finally we are in a good position to move forward.... Except he doesn't want to! He spends most of his time here with me and stays over at every opportunity that his shifts allow. He loves the fact that my home is so comfortable and me fussing over him, which I enjoy. He makes very little contribution in the way of food, gas , maintenance etc but is happy to pay for sky sports when he wants it as I have a sky account and if we have friends over whether it be mutual or his , he will ask that they come here as his house is very basic. He tells me he loves me all the time but cites his pet and Dc as the reason for not moving in, in that his DC need their own room when they stay every third weekend , thatthey do not want to share their dad and would perceive my Dc as having priority over them if he were to move in and they expect to see their family pet. His pet is a fighter breed that is not compatible with mine( as we found out quite quickly). We cannot buy a bigger house because he would not get a mortgage because of his debts and I would feel uneasy taking on a new mortgage alone, and he won't consider rehoming his pet altho' it spends huge amounts of time alone because of his long shifts, sporting commitments etc. I feel that his needs are all being met but mine aren't. I want to build a shared future together but instead feel resentful at all the issues that he has. I know he feels guilty that his Dc do not have him living with them and he is a great dad with a sometimes very nasty EW who has made my/our life pretty unpleasant at times and I realize his children are needy because of this and must come first . But just feel he has all the benefits of being in a very comfortable relationship without any of the responsibility and still maintaining a bachelor lifestyle ( I am very easy going, no problem with him playing sport/ drinking with mates. Why not! ) I also feel he is enjoying his new found financial situation and is scared of having to share it although as I said earlier I am very financially secure , great with money and have always always willingly paid my way because he was never in a position to pay for me. If I try to discuss with him our future he tells me he loves me ( and I believe him) but he cannot give me a timescale. Till his pet passes away, till the kids are independent ( another 10 yrs) , till his debt plan is settled ( another 8 yrs) ???? I cannot imagine him not being in my life but thinking do I really want to hang about for another 4 yrs waiting for him to decide our future. Thanks for reading this, would really welcome some advice.

[Offred]

If your needs aren't being met it is probably the end of the road isn't it? No matter how nice he is and no matter how understandable his concerns are.

[CailinDana]

He's a selfish manchild stringing you along because it suits him. He has no intention of marrying you. Get rid.

[Mrswellyboot]

Alarm bells are ringing for me. He has it every which way!!!
I think he is too cosy. I would cool it a little. Not make it so comfortable.

[Casmama]

Your conclusions on this sound very sensible based on the info you have given- he gets what he wants, you don't and that is unlikely to change in the next 8-10 years. Imagine how resentful you will feel in 8 years if nothing has changed?

I think you need to move on.

[Mrswellyboot]

Sorry cut off early there. Not exactly the same situation but similar. I would defo get out and about more with the girls. Get back the key if he has it. Sky sports my arse.

When he calls, be friendly but say you are popping out. Be a bit mysterious. End the phone calls first. A good friend gave me these tips.
Give yourself a deadline to get out of the relationship. I think he is fearful of commitment to be honest.

[Jan45]

So after you bailing him out for thousands he doesn't even contribute to your gas and electric usage, even thouigh he's practically living with you - sorry but this would be enough for me to tell him where to go, he's so taking advantage of you, don't put up with it, it's all very one sided.

Any man, and this one by your account earns a very good salary who thinks it's ok to cocklodge with you for free is in my mind not a good man.