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I feel like I should give up trying to make new friends(20 Posts)
This is a bit 'woe is me', not sure if this is the right place?
I'm a regular on MN but have name changed so I'm not outed
as a saddo with no friends.
I'm from a small town originally, always had lots of friends, was always out and busy, at around aged 18 I moved to another town, knew no one but due to college and work I managed to make friends and socialised in said groups. Whenever I moved jobs/colleges for some reasons those friendships never held on, once out of the gang there was never any effort to keep it going, even though I always tried.
Over the 16yrs that I have lived here I have accumulated about 5 friends who I'm in regular contact with (mainly text and the very odd visit), but none that I could pop in and have a coffee and a natter or call a best friend really.
Fast forward to the present time, my DS is 6months and during pregnancy I couldn't wait to go the baby groups and antenatal groups to meet new people. My antenatal classes were rubbish, classroom style with no interaction encouraged, we made small talk with a few of the other couples, but nothing really concrete. I make the effort to go to few local baby groups but they are limited in my area for my ds' age group. I always make the effort with all the mums, and we seem to have a good chat but then I never see them again, and i never really have the chance to build up to asking them for a coffee!! I go for long walks in my area and I never see them around either. I'm forever wandering where all these new mums are looking for company, or maybe everyone that crosses my path aren't looking for new friends? Short of asking other mums in the street to have a coffee with me, I'm stuck!
At the mo my Dp is my best mate which is great but I'm always stuck when we have a row and I've no one to vent to!!!
Thanks for getting this far, i'm not sure what I'm asking, but its good to vent.
Does your hv know of other mums in the same boat and could put you in touch?
Honestly? I thought I'd make loads of friend on mat leave and at mums and tots. I didn't. But now my kids are at school I feel I have a lot more friends, or at least people I can chat to / text. At school there's more if a binding factor I think.
Is your area friendly in general do you think?
It's surprising how often threads like these come up. I'm not wanting to undermine your experience, OP, as it can be very lonely and difficult to make new friends when everyone else seems set in their friendship groups or you only make casual, fleeting acquaintances.
I'm in a similar situation as my friends have moved away, and I find it hard to make new friends (I'm a bit awkward and shy). It's lonely when I fancy going for a coffee, a drink after work or shopping, or doing something DP doesn't fancy doing, and I don't really know anyone else. wallows in self-pity
Why don't you try setting up a coffee morning and/or bookgroup?
I remember feeling like this and didn't really make mummy friends until my DD was 12 or 13 months. I went to loads of baby groups, def happier out of the home than in. It took me that long to get to know people enough to meet up outside the baby classes. My DD1 is now 8 1/2 yrs and I have a good handful of local mums I hang out with. It gets easier. I do know mums who have posted on net mums local boards looking to make friends and been very pleasantly surprised when mtg up in RL.
I reckon it takes me about two years just to start to feel that I've got the beginnings of a friendship with somebody I've regularly crossed paths with!
These women at the baby group who you have a good chat with - can you ask them what sort of things they do the rest of the week? Might lead you to something you can suggest doing together?
I was exactly the same as you, would talk to mums at groups but never went any further. I used the meet a mum boards and there is now a group of 4 of us who meet up at least once a week and one of the girls has become a very good friend. I had a couple of false starts but persevered and it was worth it. Keep trying don't give up cos we all need a strong coffee and a good gossip!
Thank for all your replies
The hv is at the local baby clinic I go to and they run said groups, so she may recommend those? They are great but its just taking the next step from that I guess.
The people local to me don't really seem friendly, a smile at someone else's baby normally leads to a 'what you looking at?!' Look
Charlotte that's a good idea, I'll do that, but I just wish they would go regularly. I've been going pretty much every week since DS was about 3 months and I've prob seen the same mum 3 times, unfortunately she didn't speak much English, so it would just be awkward if I suggested a coffee! Everyone says "see you next week, and we don't lol.
It's good to know i'm not alone, though I hope it doesn't take a year!!
I think I'll try the meet a mum boards, I've had a nose on them but I've not seen any meetings put in. Maybe I'll be brave!
at unfriendly locals - that must be a bit depressing!
I remember baby groups where I just didn't click with any of the others there, and there wasn't much continuity from one week to the next. I sympathise. I had lots of choice where I lived, so it was easy to give up the ones I didn't like.
MN has kept me sane at times! And chats with shopkeepers, just so I've had some human contact in the day...
I'm not sure I'm helping any more! Sorry!
Hey op. Similar situation here. But my baby doesn't sleep/ seems to get v ill every other week which I then catch so I don't have much healthy non-sleep deprived time to even attempt to meet other mums. I just keep hoping that we will get well and leave the house one day soon!
Charlotte - tell me about it! I so missed the place i used to live in as everyone was so friendly but its just not the case here at all! I do find that if occasionally a granny makes a nice comment I go full blow into conversation, then realise I must sound like a saddo!!
DS has a cold at the mo so we've also been housebound for a bit, I've been so worried about missing the groups and 'trying to make the effort' that I've been willing for him to get better asap, but it just occurred to me that it doesn't make any difference if I did go, and snotty pyjama days are much more fun .
My hv actually gave me the numbers of others in my neighbourhood that she knew also needed company. For this reason I will never diss a health visitor! I would suggest nct bumps and babes meetups/open house if they do them in your area (you don't have to be an nct member) or sign up for a Sensory class perhaps and suggest a coffee straight after?
Just keep trying groups op!! Don't give up trying to make new friends!
I found it difficult to begin with too..
Are there any baby swimming classes/baby yoga/baby sign nearby? Or even that you could travel to? Might be worth it? I found I made some better friendships at those types of classes as everyone had paid and therefore had more interest to go every week.
Also (slightly random!) have you ever thought of trying out a few churches locally? I would expect you'd meet a lot of potential friends there! I've never had such a wide variety of interesting and stimulating friendships since I attented a very friendly openminded church
Have you got any friends from that past that you can invite over for a weekend? Or family? Just gives you something to look forward to - makes a few quiet days more bearable.
Yeah, I was going to mention church as a possibility, too. If there are any in your area with a congregation not entirely over 50s!
Lavender - we paid for baby massage when DS was about 8 weeks and it was great, it was a small group though, just one other mum!! I can't actually afford to go to any paid ones, which is a shame as I'm sure they are the best.
Church is a great idea, never thought of that, there are quite a few near me too.
Thats unlucky re the baby massage billy sorry to hear that. I agree they can be expensive.. Keep looking into paid ones though as some are cheaper than others.. IMO
Is there a libary near you? Something like 'Baby boogie' runs in libaries and i think is free.
I hope you find a lovely church billy
Baby boogie sounds great, we have a big local library just never been in!
Gosh I guess there's much more out there that I thought of!! Great tips everyone, thanks!
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