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chucked out stbxh in June now feeling guilty WTAF??

(16 Posts)
Handywoman Tue 17-Dec-13 19:21:15

Please somebody slap me. In June I threw out stbxh who was moody, angry, resentful of my job, felt burdened when he had to have the kids on his own, contributed almost nothing to running the house or raising the kids (dd2 has ASD, dd2 Dyslexia, both need extra support in various ways). At times he was verbally abusive and scathing towards me, and miserable.

In recent months I have felt variously: euphoric, proud, liberated. But in the last weeks our separation agreement is nearly final and the mortgage about to go into my name. The cold nights have drawn in, I have had a very, very, heavy heart and suddenly realized today that I am feeling guilty for 'not giving it more of a chance' with stbxh.

FFS I gave it ten years (the rot set in with the first child) during which time I also gave him an ultimatum (sort your anger out or I'm gone, which he failed to do).

So why the hell am I feeling like this? Is this like a grief thing? Am I losing my mind?????????????????

Open to all interpretations/opinions including a good hard slap round the face.

Flisspaps Tue 17-Dec-13 19:22:42

Christmas, New Year, the emphasis on looking back and 'togetherness'

Hang on to that feeling of freedom. He's an ex for a reason, after all.

stripeylion3 Tue 17-Dec-13 19:46:13

Someone else suggested writing a list of all the things that were big issues for you in the relationship and keep it handy to refer to maybe.

Handywoman Wed 18-Dec-13 18:42:32

Thanks both, I think it's maybe how unsatisfactory it all is emotionally, that he can't even dignify what happened with a conversation, he is completely passive about it all and there is just a void into which my mood has slumped. Am on waiting list for counselling: can't come soon enough.

onetiredmummy Wed 18-Dec-13 21:11:59

You're not losing your mind nor do you need a slap smile

The initial relief & well done me is wearing off that's all, & inevitably doubts can set in. Ignore them. There are good & valid reasons why you left & don't want to give him another chance, it sounds as though he had enough chances in over 10 years. Sorry to be cliched but the 'emotional roller coaster' is coming to a stop, you're getting emotionally settled & it all gets a bit serious when the paperwork confronts you & its there in black & white that you have separated. It kind of confirms that you are out of the nightmare & only once you realise that can you look back & forget just how shitty it really was. The truly bad bits are receding in your mind & thats making way for the rose tinted 'it wasn't so bad' thoughts that are entirely natural.

But they are wrong. It was bad. And that's why you left.

Well done for counselling. You have not made the wrong decision & this too will pass smile & you will stop feeling bad.

EllieInTheRoom Wed 18-Dec-13 23:18:56

Somebody said to me a few weeks ago, be careful because in a few months time the doubts will kick in! Sounds like what's happening to you.

Makes sense because you steel yourself to make the biggest decision of your life, you justify it for months, wait until you are so sure and then once you've done it feel so relieved and free. I suppose at some point that wears off and this is what is left to deal with.

Somebody also said on my thread that guilt is poison! It so is!
You know you've made the right decision. It could have been 2, 10 or 20 years. He'd never have changed and it would have stolen your life.

Here's to a fab 2014! Just get through all the sentimental rubbish of the next couple of weeks and don't look back again!



MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 23:24:04

Read your OP again when you start to feel that woman-in-control remorse. It is simply the new life horrors. It will pass.

EllieInTheRoom Wed 18-Dec-13 23:35:33

Just think of the Hoover incident ( I remember you told
Me about it on my thread)

What a nob! Not worth another thought

Handywoman Wed 18-Dec-13 23:38:48

Oh god yes, the Hoover! Ridiculous! Yes, nob!

Thank you!

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 23:49:07

Share the Hoover incident here ? (I will probably remember it from being under a different name)

he said he preferred shagging the Dyson to you ? fgrin

Handywoman Wed 18-Dec-13 23:55:01

Hee hee not quite this will probably sound rather dull now just that when I finally told him I'd had enough, nothing ever pleased him, was ever good enough, I was at the end of my tether, crying, baring my soul to him, telling him I felt like a single parent, he never did any housework etc... His response was a genuine and meek 'but I don't like taking the Hoover upstairs' biscuit that was his ACTUAL response. I chucked him out a few days later

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 18-Dec-13 23:57:08

Ah, Yes, it's often the most banal things that are the proverbial straw smile

Handywoman Wed 18-Dec-13 23:58:55

Well the final straw had already broken the camel's back by then (hence I went off at him despite being a quiet, non shouty person by nature) it just took a few days to spell it out to him...

MerryFuckingChristmas Thu 19-Dec-13 00:02:30

And you would want to go back to that ....?

EllieInTheRoom Thu 19-Dec-13 00:26:53

It's just confirmation he would never change, cos he never got it!

No point wondering "what if?" because you already know how it would have panned out!

Handywoman Thu 19-Dec-13 05:41:42

Yeah, definitely don't want to go back to that version of a. 'Partnership' ie I run the house, raise the kids, hold down a FT job, while he works and lies on the sofa. No way Siree.

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