Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me decide.

(11 Posts)
stripeylion3 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:55:15

So, I'm in the shittest of shit relationships. Eleven years, three DC, and I've made the decision to leave. He is a classic cocklodger. Does nothing more for the children past playing with and talking to them.

He contributes one quater of the rent and nothing more to any of life's necessities. There has been two serious DVD incidents and has told me recently that I mean nothing to him.

He is only out of the house for roughly 15 hours a week, ostensibly looking for work. I am a SAHM, I have a degree and have recently gained more qualifications as I plan to start working next year.

He has worked for about 4 years since we have been together and nothing regular for the last three years. He is currently seeking a disability support pension and has stated that he would definitely seek joint child access in order to get the money that comes with it.

I'm desperate to leave but panicking at the thought that he could get DC for HALF of their life(and mine).

He doesn't look after them properly, smokes around DS 1 who is a chronic asthmatic, doesn't recognise when dC are sick (raging temps ).

Omg I am wobbling, I would be a shit mother to leave them in his care in order to get away from him myself, am on Oz, Thumb, are you around?

RatherBeRiding Tue 17-Dec-13 12:23:59

You need some sound legal advice, and fast.

I doubt very much he would get half time access anyway and he doesn't sound like the sort who would really want it anyway tbh. I reckon his threats of getting access for the money are just that - empty threats.

But serious - get yourself off to a good solicitor sharpish!

stripeylion3 Tue 17-Dec-13 14:18:12

Thanks Rather, have been to Legal Aid who allocated me one appt solely focused on gaing a restraining order which Wasn't exactly what I was looking for and was given another regarding parenting orders today but was moved to Christmas Eve.
He actually spoke with me this evening in a totally rational agreeable manner which was completely unexpected and had me com

stripeylion3 Tue 17-Dec-13 19:15:10

Completely changing my mind and thinking about staying another few months til our lease is up. I had legal advice today informing me of the myriad complications of breaking the lease . I loved this man and the thought of being without my kids makes me borderline suicidal. I separated from him after the first DV incident (seriously sadistically f'd up) so am aware of how he will behave.

And he is so lazy, he will definitely be after the money. Although he did say tonight that weekend access would suit him.

Although I don't take anything he says seriously IYKWI,

ImperialBlether Tue 17-Dec-13 20:44:29

OP, do you REALLY think that anyone who has committed domestic violence on his wife is given custody of the children?

overmydeadbody Tue 17-Dec-13 20:47:53

He won't actually want them for half the time, nor will he be awarded that amount of contact if he has a history of violence.

overmydeadbody Tue 17-Dec-13 20:48:16

The sooner you leave the better.

stripeylion3 Wed 18-Dec-13 01:21:51

I separated the first time through the family court and he was given 50/50 access.

I returned 12 months later duped by the fantasy of an unbroken family combined with the fact that being deprecated from my 18 mo DD was destroying me.

I feel like I've made my bed. Tolerate him to be with and care for my DCs. He's not violent or abusive on a day to day basis. It's just the lazy layabout perpetually broke part I'm struggling with.

Today I am considering going to work and letting him bea SAHD. But that can work against me in the future too as he would get better access arrangements in terms of a split.

Grrr, damn it. This is killing me.

stripeylion3 Wed 18-Dec-13 02:00:40

He's just turned again and I want to stick to my original plan but he will be nasty and ill spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder in fear.

DistanceCall Wed 18-Dec-13 02:58:24

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you want to inflict this on your children? Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like?


arfishy Wed 18-Dec-13 04:31:40

Are you Australian or an expat Stripey?

Which state are you in?

If there has been DV then do you have an AVO and would that affect the outcome of any custody arrangements this time?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: