Am I Paranoid?

[needtowriteitdown]

My DH and I have been together for over 15 years. In all this time I have had problems with insecurity and jealousy. But in all fairness he does make it easy for me.

He has a problem with alcohol. If he goes out he comes in smashed, he can't just go for a couple, as he says he is, its all or nothing, he doesn't go where he says hes going, comes in hours after a time he says hes going to be, hes said hes going to the local pub then phoned me at 2am saying hes in the local city centre in a nightclub. He gone to a topless bar and not told me until a week or so later - all this is a back drop of me being a SAHM looking after 3 DC, (plus I never go out, and I mean never!) last time I went out was when I was pg with my first DC and it was a family meal.

Anyway ..... lately I have been feeling my age, feeling down, etc. One Friday night DH came home from work, obviously drunk, I asked him and asked him if he'd had a drink - he denied it. Until the Sunday when I asked him again - he admitted it. I then asked him to choose the alcohol or me, I was surprised but he chose me, all good you would think, but now I go back the jealousy, I have wondered in the back of my mind all this time, if the times hes been lying as per above and especially the latest incident if he was cheating, he denies it of course but the ideas there.

After this latest incident I have basically said I don't believe a word he says and I think he has cheated.

Now this week I have found out that he has changed this password on his phone and not told me. I found out as my DD also knows the passwords to all the phones and asked to use his phone but couldn't unlock it, he said pass it back and put his finger on it to unlock it and never spoke another word about it. I waited till the DC were in bed to raise the issue and asked him why he hadn't told me all day what the password was and why did he change it.

I have always known all the passwords, and he knows all of mine, that's one thing that's never been an issue - he said he was messing with his phone and he forgot to tell me, its not an issue and he did try to tell me the code - but I got on my high horse and told him not to bother, if he wanted to keep secrets he could - obviously that's backfired on me now as I can't check his phone as I have been able to in the past.

I have said to him that I am going to get through Christmas and the we are going to have a talk about splitting up.

He thinks I 'm crazy and thinks I making things bigger than they are.

What do I do?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. At the very least he is a drunkard even if he has or has not cheated.

I would make an appointment to see a Solicitor before Christmas to establish your own options legally speaking if you were to choose to separate. Many firms become very busy in January because many people hold on for dear life then after Christmas decide to seek firm advice on separation. Also you are more determined now to want to split up. Christmas is but two days after all, I would ask him to stay somewhere else now and where is not your concern.

Is this really the relationship model your children should be seeing here from both of you?. What are you teaching these young people about relationships?. You certainly do not trust him at all and no trust = no relationship. It all sounds both dysfunctional and unhealthy for you and these children.

Why is it also that your DD (is this the eldest child?) knows all the passwords to your phones, that sounds strange to me as well.

Even if he has or has not cheated, his alcohol dependency is a huge issue and one that may well have been suppressed by you until now. Of course he chose you over drink but his primary relationship is still with drink.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm always amazed when someone tells their story here, asks something like 'do I have trust issues?' or 'am I overreacting?' ... and then goes on to describe a partner so irresponsible, deceitful and inconsiderate that no-one in their right mind would believe a single word that came out of their mouths.

I think you'll find that, after you split up, all your problems of insecurity, jealousy and depression magically disappear. Get good legal & other advice before Christmas and then you'll be fully prepared.

[TheCrumpetQueen]

as I can't check his phone as I have been able to in the past.

I think if a man had written this it would be deemed very controlling.

He is an arse for the drinking.

Why haven't you gone out with friends or family over all these years? Surely you could meet up for lunch with friends on a weekend.

[needtowriteitdown]

My DD has the passwords to our phones, so she can play the games, etc The passwords are on because of work.

In the interests of fairness I must point out that the opportunity to cheat is only when he goes out, as we are together the other times, it the "new" way of cheating that I am suspicious about, i.e, interent, facebook, IM's Whatsapp, etc

Since our full and frank talk he has not been out for a drink at all, not once.

We seem to coast along things are lovely and as soon as I relax and think things are going great something happens, (or DH does something) that makes things rear there ugly heads again.

I am controlling I know I am, but its how I've been conditioned if you know what I mean, I have to control things as otherwise he would go crazy, (alcohol) I don't think anyone can understand until you've lived the situation tbh.

I have been checking his phone, emails, zealously over the last couple of months, and I don't know why, I haven't found a thing, but I have this compulsion if I resist for a couple of days I then suddenly break and have to check again. To be honest he hasn't cared - he has said look all you like I haven't done anything.

But all of a sudden he has changed his password and not told me - for a whole week!! And then when he knew that I knew he'd changed it he didn't talk about it, or say "oh by the way I 'd forgotten to tell you I've changed the password", he said nothing all day and didn't have a reason for changing it other than "I was messing with my phone".

I haven't been out as I don't have friends, I have acquaintances, mums I say hello to in the morning, but that's it, I'm a bit of a loner - but I like it that way.

We have started to go out together a couple of times, just for a meal, its been nice, but I really have to make an effort to do this, as I'm quite happy to stay in.

[NightCircus]

Been there.
Not time to do a long post as getting ready for work,

I'm sure most of your 'issues' would dissipate without him.
I expect his will remain always.
You only get 1 life.
Your children only get 1 childhood.
He'll be in his 'being good' phase now to keep you where you are, it won't last.

I'd leave him, but keep your cards close to your chest and do your research first.

I'd also have a quick look at the Hare psychopathy checklist in case any of it rings bells (you'll know if it does). If so have a look on Lovefraud website.

[NightCircus]

www.daniweb.com/community-center/geeks-lounge/threads/78319/hare-psychopathy-checklist

[Jan45]

Not a good way to be really is it, why do you even feel the need to check his phone, never mind emails and anything else - you clearly do not trust him and don't automatically think it's just you being a loony, our gut instincts are usually indicators of what is actually going on. Sounds like you don't have a very even relationship, you are in all the time while he goes out when he wants and comes back hours later, spending money in topless bars, who wouldn't that annoy?

You need to get out that rut and stop settling for staying him, let him take you out instead of just spending the money on himself! I'd be bored out my mind staying in all the time and not having good friends, never mind a partner that never takes me out.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then again, you can't complain that you never go out and in the next breath say that you'd rather stay home....

[gamerchick]

Other issues aside you have no right to look through his personal shit.. do you open his mail as well? We know each others passwords for emergency reasons but I've never felt the need to be nosy.
you've got into a bad habit and now you're being forced to break it. Take it with both hands.

[TheCrumpetQueen]

My dp would probably leave if I behaved the way you do, and vice versa! Where's the respect? If there is no trust, there no relationship.

Have you had counselling for your issues?