Does EA make you believe everything is your fault?

[Crazyoldlife]

Does ea make you believe you are very much the cause for relationship problems- your actions and past mistakes?

[sparklysilversequins]

Yes very much so. Is something like that going on with you? You'll get lots of support here if you want to talk about it.

[tallwivglasses]

Whether you were the cause or not somehow I doubt it

it looks like you're starting to deal with it all. GOOD x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Yes. Psychological bullying ... which is what emotional abuse is... is all about crushing the victim mentally, making them feel worthless, trapped and responsible for keeping the abuser happy. In a nutshell.... 'If you weren't such a bad person, if you were a better partner/wife, I wouldn't be so angry and dissatisfied'

Do you think you're in an emotionally abusive relationship?

[Crazyoldlife]

I Hear things such as " I wouldn't be angry if you hadn't of done that" "I wouldn't have mental health problems if it wernt for you" so yes. I am often given a list of all the hurtful things I've done and said from start of relationship upto now

[MincedMuffPies]

It is the what ifs they put in your head. What if I was nicer what if I just shuttup about certain things. They don't ever have any what ifs.

[Meerka]

Yes it does.

However, sometimes there is what someone called 'a degree of contributary negligence'.

Once you're out of a relationship you have to look back carefully, see what you could reasonably have done different and what you could not. It can take quite some time for the fog to clear though and to see where your own responsibility lies, because an abusive person will make you think it's all you.

Taking responsibility for the portion (usually by far the smaller portion) that you could have altered helps you avoid the same situation again next time. Stops the wool being pulled over your eyes.

Again, usually the very big majority of the responsibility is the abusive person's.

[Crazyoldlife]

Yes meerka I agree- there are many things I could have done better. When he lists off all my past mistakes I often say " well you should have ended it back then when I did that" his reply is always " I was blinded by how much I loved you to realise what you where doing to me"- an example is when I invited him out with my friends then uninvited him later that day- not nice i know. He talks of loving me but in the same sentence will say he can't trust me/ is angry at me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's classic emotional abuse. Horrible, contrary, designed to confuse and belittle... Are you on the verge of 'LTB'?

[Crazyoldlife]

What's Ltb?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Leave the Bastard' :) Wondering if this is starting to make you question the future of the relationship.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

On the 'uninvited' incident, which you admit wasn't nice of you. Everyone gets annoyed with each other in the course of a relationship. Everyone makes mistakes, is inconsiderate, hurts feelings intentionally or unintentionally. But the difference between the normal ups and downs of an adult relationship and an abusive relationship is that the hurt is always intentional rather than careless, it's a sustained campaign rather than occasional one-offs, and the motivation is to keep the victim subdued, wrong-footed and easier to control.

[Crazyoldlife]

I have pretty much left to be honest but plagued with regrets. In the relationship he had very different views to me about what was out of order and what wasn't. He is incredibly sensitive. Everything was going ok then all of a sudden he came to this "realisation" that I've treated Jo
Very badly. He is constantly asking "why did you do xyz to me" saying "I need answers" it could range from me txting an old flame once (two weeks into relationship) to me not inviting him out with fiends. It's like one day he just lost it and demanded I explain everything nasty I'd ever done. He then became a vvv angry person who threw the most awful insults at me claiming " mine are just nasty words what you have done as nasty insults". Everytime I would do something wrong he would say "this is t
Typical all you do is think of yourself". He has a large ego claiming " I am v popular, so many people see me as a nice guy". He always talks about how he "never forgets when someone wrongs him". To me it's just such an unhealthy attitude.

[Crazyoldlife]

Him not Jo

[MadBusLady]

Have you left as in moved out? Is there any reason why you have to stay in touch with this unpleasant tosser?

Doesn't sound like you should have any regrets at all to me, unless it's not dumping him sooner.

[whatdoesittake48]

Lots of red flags there. The thing which jumps out is the entitled attitude. they often say they have loads of friends, people like them so much, they are more clever, better at things than others, never wrong and most of - they never forget.

The funny thing is that actually they have few friends, have failed to achieve their dreams, can't maintain a relationship or hold down a job and they remember things wrong (put words into your mouth which were never there).

This overinflated ego thing is so annoying because how on earth do you point out to someone their own failings as a person, without sounding like you are the abuser. You can't say "even your own mother doesn't like you very much" without it being extremely hurtful and most of us don't say those sorts of things...but they won't think twice.

[Crazyoldlife]

Yes because I'm pregnant. I am so sad because I wanted a nice happy family but I am lucky to have a good set of friends and family. I suppose I just need reassurance that it's not all my fault even if I have made mistakes and wronged him. He is adamant that he will stay in babies life- we are not married so he has less rights. I'm
Also not too concerned as he is a nice father to his kid from his ex. I just sometimes think ive messed it up but if I was so evil he could have left at any point and to keep being demanded to explain why I did something two years ago is v wearing.

[Crazyoldlife]

He is also obsessed that I have cheated on him saying he has photographically proof and when I ask for it he refuses. He has a good Job and is respected at work. It's incredible he is the nicest guy at work and everyone thinks he's great yet he would yell in my face. He says now that he appreciated his yelling and anger was wrong and is seeking help. I just dont know why it was only me that recieved this treatment from him.

[whatdoesittake48]

Does he also tell you to stop bringing up things from the past which he did? that you need to get over past hurts? if you want him to stop bringing up things you have done, you need to do the same for him. No guarantees tho.

You should try the broken record technique "that is in the past and I am not discussing it any more" No statements about why's or how's. No words on the actual thing you did at all. Simply those few words and nothing more. every time.

Pregnancy and after birth are prime times for abusers to show their true colours.

[whatdoesittake48]

it is all very well getting treatment for yelling and being aggressive, but what about the words he says. he could say them in a whisper and they would be just as frightening and upsetting.

The cheating thing is very concerning. Is he setting you up for suggesting the child isn't his?

I don't think things are going to get better. Why is he singling you out for this treatment? because he knows he can and that you are pregnant and stuck. You won't leave so he can do whatever he thinks is appropriate to keep you exactly where you are.

often they see the light and you are left wondering why they have changed after so many years, but couldn't see it before. usually it is because all other tactics haven't worked - so they find something to keep you sweet for a while. it might be a genuine remorse on his behalf, but do you see it in other aspects of his character?

[Crazyoldlife]

When I say "that's the past let's concentrate on now" he says "you still act in the same selfish way so nothing has changed". He also went through a spell of hitting walls, talking of suicide and self harming ( punching self in face) which he believes is down to my behaviour towards him. He says when Im not around he does not self harm or hit walls etc. I am pretty much to blame for everything. He says it's because he loves me so much therefore everything hurts him so much. He often talks of how "heartbroken" I've made him and how I've "destroyed" him. Btw thanks for advice guys it's good to get some stuff out.

[whatdoesittake48]

have no regrets. if you have left - keep going in that direction.

[MadBusLady]

Don't be deflected by his "poor me" act. He likes having a go at you and making you feel like shit. He is EA and borderline physically abusive as well, if he's yelling in your face to be threatening. People who have genuine anger management problems lose it with everyone - bosses, coworkers, strangers in the street. People who mysteriously only lose it with their partner are just nasty bastards.

Still, not your problem any more thankfully. You really sound like you're so much better off without him. His problems are not your fault, you didn't cause them, you can't fix them.

If you are going to keep going with the pregnancy (sorry, don't know what stage you're at) then it will be tough to establish boundaries, but that's what needs to happen. You don't need to talk to him about anything other than making arrangements to keep him in touch with the child. The broken record technique is the only option - though I don't suppose he'll give up without a fight, he likes having you as a target.

[Crazyoldlife]

Yes late into pregnancy now so just getting organised. The genuine anger management point is so very true! I hadnt thought of it like that. So sad yet if he can't forget and move on from things I've done/ said and if he holds so many grudges there is little I can do.

[Meerka]

Okay, someone who talks of suicide and punches themself in the face and then blames the other person has gone badly astray.

If he's that unhappy then he should leave, not blame you. Anything he does to himself is his responsibility. Its a very big red flag. Blaming you is neither fair not reasonable.

[Crazyoldlife]

Yes Definetly. I had to leave to almost
Do him a favour. He's got a messy failed relationship behind him so I guess he's worried about how itl all look.