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Setting healthy boundaries - advice please(27 Posts)
Been with my husband for 9 years. He is a good, kind man but very lazy and he comes across at times as thinking he is superior to me. He is a GP and whilst I'm sure not all GPs are this way, he spends all day everyday with everyone running around after him, never being questioned, only called Dr by other staff, never first names unless by other GPs etc and i think he has a bit of a god complex. He has admitted on several occasions that he thinks he is better than someone else because he is richer/ more intelligent etc, though he says that he never thinks this about me, but i don't believe him. To give background: my mum is a narc (have recently gone NC) and my ex was a violent alcoholic, so had decades of abuse, game playing, my needs being none existant. Please help me establish healthy boundaries as i tend towards put up n shut up or getting upset and digging my heels in. I feel i have no perspective of the situation.
The last year i have worked in the same place as him, but just a part time admin post. We get along better now than we did before. He is a nice person and we have enjoy each others company. About 6 months ago i posted here for advice re him expecting me to be his maid/pa, constant arguing, lack of communication, etc and these things are much better than they were and we rarely argue. However, he still does very little in terms of housework, remembering/ organising things and i still feel like he doesn't really listen eg if i asked him to do/ not do something that affects me/ DIY etc he will usually do whatever he wants without taking my feelings into account.
I know he has been making more of an effort recently and so have i but some things just piss me off. He has a responsible job but is a complete man-child at home. I don't mind doing most of the housework cos he works long hours and i don't, but i resent picking up his stuff that he leaves on the floor/ surfaces etc eg dirty socks on the side table in lounge. I don't want to be constantly moving stuff before i can get round to actual cleaning. I also get constant demands like remind me..., asking me to repeat what i was saying cos he walked off into another room/ too busy watching tv, then getting upset if i don't repeat it once/several more times, generally micromanaging his life for him. Yesterday got annoyed cos as usual, he has left all the xmas cards, presents etc to me, so he begrudgingly helped wrap some stuff. His usual answer to everything is 'i was gonna do it' - there are things he was gonna do several years ago but are still left undone, but if i mention anything i am nagging him.
Anyway, today i behaved very stubborn in regards to a situation. I don't think i behaved correctly but was fed up of yet another typical ongoing situation. He often comes home for lunch and will have curry a couple times a week. He sticks it in the microwave uncovered and the sides and roof of the microwave is covered in the sauce. He then 'forgets' to clear it up, or 'was gonna do it.' He will usually leave his plate etc on the side or recently in the sink with a bit of water (that took a lot of work nagging). Whenever i go to use the microwave it is in a disgusting state so i either don't bother or have to clean it first. I have actually left it for over a month before now And he still hadn't cleaned it - food everywhere! As an added thing i absolutely hate curry. I often come home from work and genuinely feel nauseous/ get headaches from the smell, end up getting it on my hands when cleaning the pots etc. have tried reminding him, asking him etc, everything i can think of but no result. So yesterday i got angry and said mo more curry for lunches as i shouldn't have to feel ill/ clear up after him/ have a microwave festering in germs. Today, he brings home curry so i threw it out and went to work. childish but i was so annoyed as he never seems to consider my feelings.
Apart from split up, how should i deal with the endless frustrations in a healthy, assertive way without becoming a doormat/ bossy pants? Sorry this is so long just didn't want to drip feed and felt some of my history was relevant to understanding the context
Loveineveryspoon - I totally get what you're saying. It's like you're describing my life!!!
Loveineveryspoon - thank you so much! I also completely get what you are saying! I definately swing between trying to suck it up and be a stepford wife and seething with that pick axe!
I think i need to say if things are annoying me at a much earlier stage instead of bottling things up. dH is not perfect but i love him very much and he has some very good points. Perhaps i need to be more realistic in my approach
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