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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Christmas dilemma

15 replies

aduckluck · 15/12/2013 08:37

Every year it's the same DH wants to go and visit his family on boxing day with DD and the dog and I hate it. If I'm honest so does he but he has a strong family loyalty. We all have to trawl to his DS who's place is in the middle of nowhere and a like a muddy junk yard outside and a pigsty inside stay for the obligatory few days the food is awful and I am not joking one year we had soup that I can honestly only describe as grey dishwater except that would have been tastier, the company even worse DH's 2 sisters their DH's their parents one of whom has lost his marbles and either sleeps or shouts. Their 4 DC and of course my IL's my FIL drives me crazy he's a ignorant self centred old git who is rude and of course always right but this behaviour is allowed because he's a retired reverend. We all sit around and watch each other open the presents we have no television no Internet connection and the phone signal is hit and miss, I know It may sound trivial but I want to stay in my own home watch crappy Christmas telly stay in my Pj's and play with my DD new toys cook my own dinner. I have tried and failed to invite them to us every year and even feigned illness I have downright refused to go on other occasions. we have been married now for 8 years and every year it's been the same what shall I do I am dreading him making the arrangements

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 08:42

Is it just Boxing Day or are you expected to stay over for a few days? IME Christmas involves a lot of duty calls... some worse than others... and, if you can keep it short, it's bearable.

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Kundry · 15/12/2013 11:26

If you have to stay can you make the stay shorter? Be ready with what you are prepared to do eg one overnight stay so when arrangements start to be made, you are ready with why it can/t be a week. Or doesn't have to be on Boxing Day.

To start with you just need anything at all that isn't like it was last year because then the tradition has been broken and is easier to break further.

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 15/12/2013 11:30

Just refuse again - tell him that he's an adult and can do as he pleases but that you, DD & the Dog will be staying at home this year and every year after, but one step at a time. It sounds utterly, utterly dire and far beyond the call of normal 'family obligation' Urgh. Just Say NO.

Extra strong and for strength!!

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DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 15/12/2013 11:32

Isn't it normal to visit family over Christmas? Generally whether you like it or not.

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muddylettuce · 15/12/2013 12:47

It sounds terrible, but, it's one day of the year...and it's your in laws. I think you might have to suck it up (perhaps even literally, a hip flask of something very strong sounds necessary!).

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bunchoffives · 15/12/2013 13:22

Doesn't I'd agree it's normal to visit family over Xmas, but normally that family makes some effort to ensure you enjoy it - or at least to clean up and serve okay food.

Just point blank refuse OP. And keep repeating your invite to them. Then it's their choice whether they see you.

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MajesticWhine · 15/12/2013 13:23

Does your DH know how you feel? A shorter visit might be a better solution. Is it a long journey?

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RatherBeRiding · 15/12/2013 18:34

I really don't see why Christmas should come with some ridiculous obligation to visit people, even family, that you don't want to see. Having said that you might need to start to break this hideous tradition in small increments. Remember Christmas is a season - 12 days of, and all that, so make it a flying day-time visit sometime between Boxing Day and the New Year.

You don't need to explain why, simply say that this year we will be visiting on such and such but only for the day. If they insist on an explanation then honesty is often the best policy. You prefer to have Christmas to yourselves. They might not like it, but at the end of the day its your lives and you, your DH and your DD, and the dog are the family unit that should t ake priority.

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Gillian1980 · 15/12/2013 19:03

I would either say I'm not going or compromise and go for 1 day.

Ultimately you are an adult and do not have to go anywhere that you don't want to, especially not over and over again.

We do what we want to do at Christmas, it is our time as a family and we cherish that. We do go to see other family but only if it suits them and us - if it doesn't suit everyone then we don't go that year.

People put way too much pressure on themselves and other people at Christmas, sometimes you just have to put your foot down and put your needs first.

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aduckluck · 15/12/2013 20:38

TY all. We are expected to stay for a few days as It is a long journey probably 3 hours depending on traffic. DH does know how I feel and complains that I make no effort to go and he feels that I should as his BIL goes . I am just not very good at pretending every thing is super I have tried the smile and nod technique but it wears a bit thin after a day. In all honesty It just drives me to distraction. We will all just sit around making small talk. The children will play as they enjoy each others company. The SIL's will go off together into the kitchen to concoct some unrecognisable fodder from days old left overs I have offered to cook but this offer gets rejected we'll then sit in the long kitchen and prey for our food I prey that I wont actually get some hideous food poisoning. My poor dog will be shut outside in the hall in a cage he will get taken out for a walk but he's used to being with us. I did on our last visit to them suggest that we all meet up in the summer (we all do caravaning ) so that we could do our own thing during the day and then meet up and BBq in in the evening again that suggestion came to nothing. I just don't know what to do for the best. I am starting to dread Christmas every year for this very reason. I will add that in all the years we have been married they as a collective have been to see us at our house once.

OP posts:

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Gillian1980 · 15/12/2013 21:01

I guess it's a personal view, but I don't think of 3 hours drive as being that far. We'll be driving that far on the saturday after Christmas to visit family and driving back the same evening (I say we, but my DH can't drive so it'll just be me driving).

I'd maybe consider doing it as a day or at the most for one night. It would show your DH that you are making an effort but that you still want to spend time relaxing at home.

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Gillian1980 · 15/12/2013 21:04

Also, perhaps you could take some yummy food with you to save you from the weird concoctions on offer?

Maybe stuff that either doesn't need cooking or that is so irrisistable that they won't be able to say no!

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cate16 · 15/12/2013 21:12

I would arrive mid/late afternoon, stay one night leave early next morning. Take food to share.

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DontCallMeDaughter · 15/12/2013 21:19

Sounds like a visit to my inlaws and we go three times a year. But only for one night and I take supplies, wine and massive boxes of chocolates to "share" and then a bag of snacks that I hide in my suitcase. My MILs cooking is unbearable.

My DH would be really hurt if I refused to go, it's his family after all. Just have to find ways to make it bearable.

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aduckluck · 18/12/2013 17:54

Thank you everyone. Have talked it over and have decided that I am going to stay here with the dog. DH will take DD and stay over for 2 nights so same as usual but with less guilt for me.