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Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

(159 Posts)
flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:02:16

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

wordyBird Thu 12-Dec-13 00:55:09

Agree with Leavenheath.

From your other thread it's very clear your DH is not kind and patient with the children. He sounds like a bully: and your DD is trying to tell you so. Everything is not great, sadly.

Ilovekittyelise Wed 11-Dec-13 23:55:33

i just read the other threads (or at least some of them). to be quite honest the op sounds fucked up and attention seeking (im sorry, but it does; several long posts with attention grabbing headlines and inconsistent content, just a bit weird), and her husband a shameless bully.

sometimes the help required by people who start these threads isnt the type of help they are asking for, and that required is professional.

iv seen threads like this before: a lot of people will invest time and emotional energy trying to help, go round in circles as the op wont provide real answers to anything, and the thread will be shut down as emotions get out of control.

Ledkr Wed 11-Dec-13 22:50:41

near I tried hard not to sound snippy, I'm sorry if you thought I was being.

NearTheWindmill Wed 11-Dec-13 12:21:57

Obviously a lot more going on here than indicated initially. But, Ledkr why such a snippy comment? Where did I say my children couldn't look after themselves. Care is about feelings as well as doings imo.

My DS has come from a stable, loving home where his parent love and respect each other. Where the DC have been supported and set firm boundaries, where right and wrong is defined, where hard work and an orderly home is part of our lives. I think he will be extremely well equipped to establish good relationships later.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 11-Dec-13 12:21:40

Agree with leavenheath (again)

Your situation sounds miserable and you sound all over the place but as long as you act like a stepford wife you think it will be ok.

No it isn't sustainable.

Leavenheath Wed 11-Dec-13 11:01:33

Everything isn't fine between the kids and him. They prefer it when he isn't around. You also communicate with your husband through your older daughter, rather than directly. He's also the second relationship you've had with a man who wants you to put him before your relationship with your children. All of this is on your other thread.

Then to complete the picture, there are other threads about you stalking his ex-wife's facebook and you being worried about her claiming a relationship has been re-kindled with him, plus another about him only just getting round to legalising contact with his other children.

I'd say your friend is worried that you've landed yourself with another wanker who although possibly not the Grade A tosser your ex-husband was, is an A- tosser instead.

That happens.

Your other threads indicate this has crossed your mind too.

Listen to your inner voice, love. Stop all this pollyanna stepford nonsense and recognise it for the denial it is.

Talk to your friend who sounds like she's got a bit of nouse and your best interests at heart. Talk to a counsellor if you want an objective sounding board other than this one.

Most of all be authentic.

purrtrillpadpadpad Wed 11-Dec-13 10:33:56

I just don't get it.

flummoxedbanana Wed 11-Dec-13 10:32:37

Like I said on the other thread: everything is great between the two of us, everything is great between the kids and I, everything is fine between the kids and him - it's just when the four of us are together that we're struggling because of dh and dds relationship.

He isn't just sitting around being idle. On a weekend for example, as someone asked, the dcs come into our bed for cuddles and stories as they don't wake up early. Dh takes dd to make a cup of tea while I shower, I get dd1s clothes out so she can get dressed then take dd2 so dh can shower. I get her nappy changed and dressed then make breakfast for when he's finished in the shower. He plays with dd while I wash up, we both take dd1 to dancing then we usually walk the dog followed by going out or home for lunch. We then usually go swimming after dd2s nap and then home for tea, which I cook and wash up. Yes, he could do it but him seeing the childrenis more iimportant in my opinion as they see me when he's working.

EirikurNoromaour Wed 11-Dec-13 10:05:45

Just read your other thread. This is all bollocks isn't it?

Lancelottie Wed 11-Dec-13 09:21:30

In my experience, starting with a 7lb baby and doing daily toddler-hefting for years makes most of us very capable of heavy lifting.

Birdseed? Pah!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 11-Dec-13 09:21:19

Oh op, you are clearly contradicting yourself thread by thread.

Which is it then? You're the perfect wife leading a very happy life or not?

Fwiw- being the perfect wife has never been an aspiration of mine.

Leavenheath Wed 11-Dec-13 09:16:04

I've seen a few threads over the years with OPs like this and I can't recall it ever turning out any different. It always emerges that the women concerned are in abusive relationships, have lost hope of change and have turned into surrendered wives in a vain attempt to ward off further abuse. Obviously that never works either and in fact the situation becomes worse, because the woman keels over from exhaustion, can never shake the guilt that her children are being damaged by the man she won't leave and that the version of a 'relationship' her and her misogynist partner are modelling fucks the kids up for the rest of their lives.

Usually at some point the surrendered wife gets dumped for an OW anyway and this is a shock because these women believed all the bollocks about perfect wifedom having magical anti-infidelity powers...

OP your friend is a shrewd cookie.

She knows that you're fooling no-one.

She also knows that no man worth having wants a partner like this, or wants to opt out of parenting to the extent your husband does.

waltermittymissus Wed 11-Dec-13 09:15:22

And where are you?!

MissScatterbrain Wed 11-Dec-13 09:07:00

confused Earlier this week, you said that you love the idea of being a family but that the reality just isn't working. So why say you are happy?

milkingmachine1 Wed 11-Dec-13 09:02:40

What?! I didn't read the other thread, but from what's been written above the husband sounds awful.

OP - please explain, are you in denial about his behaviour?

Surely being in a relationship and having a family with someone is about sharing and working together as a team. If you're doing it all it doesn't leave room for your partner to enjoy spending time with his children, building a nice home environment etc.. Also, as previously said, it does set a bad example for your children.

RhondaJean Wed 11-Dec-13 09:02:37

To back up a little bit.

Was the implication that 20k is a heavy weight?


No wonder so many women have poor bone density!

Ledkr Wed 11-Dec-13 09:02:02

bonsoir as a grandma it's also very moving to watch my ds with his ds and see what a hands on and terrific father he is.
Makes me very proud

Ledkr Wed 11-Dec-13 08:59:45

See! This type if relationship could never be healthy.
How could it be?
How sad. Op is minimising both the nastiness of her dh and her own feelings by trying to be "the perfect wife"

Bonsoir Wed 11-Dec-13 08:57:24

"With the op I'd be very worried about the children's future relationships as a subservient woman is hard to find these days so conflicts could occur."

This is quite a powerful argument (albeit one where some emotional blackmail comes into play). If someone suggests that you, as mother, should be running around after your sons, you can retort "I don't want them left on the scrapheap of the marriage market." IME the point gets through quite fast grin

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 11-Dec-13 08:55:20

Just searched your other threads.

Unsurprisingly, you have a history of abusive relationships. Your OP on this thread is the OP of a self-abnegating, enabling, people-pleaser.

I hope your light bulb moment comes that gets you working on your self esteem. Yes, it's nice to do things for others. But you deserve to be your own champion, too.

LineRunner Wed 11-Dec-13 08:54:00

I remember that thread.

EirikurNoromaour Wed 11-Dec-13 08:47:11

Hmmm, the plot thickens

waltermittymissus Wed 11-Dec-13 08:41:10

Ah, I know that thread.

Had a feeling there was something else going on here.

purrtrillpadpadpad Wed 11-Dec-13 08:37:26

Op, aren't you the one with the DH who will come up to where your baby daughter is crying and reaching for you, and he will pick her up and take her into another room and shut the door? She hates having her nappy changed so he bears down on her going 'time for your nappy change' until she is crying and clinging to you? This is the same DH who has previously plonked your youngest DD on you when you were having reading time with your eldest, because your eldest isn't his, and he didn't like the closeness?

That thread was still going on the weekend but two days later you start a thread basically saying you're living the dream and he's great with the kids? I'm glad your situation has turned around but how did you get it to change so much so fast?

petalsandstars Wed 11-Dec-13 08:24:18

Sorry OP I posted on your other thread and recognised your name. There is no way that the behaviour of your DH can be classed as kind, patient and prioritising to your children especially the younger one. Ditto for the loving towards the baby happy to take her when she is seeking comfort from you.

I'd listen to your friend.

If you do all that and he still behaves as described previously then I would seriously consider ltb as he really has no incentive to be any different and the children will resent him

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