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Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

(159 Posts)
flummoxedbanana Tue 10-Dec-13 23:02:16

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

EirikurNoromaour Wed 11-Dec-13 10:05:45

Just read your other thread. This is all bollocks isn't it?

flummoxedbanana Wed 11-Dec-13 10:32:37

Like I said on the other thread: everything is great between the two of us, everything is great between the kids and I, everything is fine between the kids and him - it's just when the four of us are together that we're struggling because of dh and dds relationship.

He isn't just sitting around being idle. On a weekend for example, as someone asked, the dcs come into our bed for cuddles and stories as they don't wake up early. Dh takes dd to make a cup of tea while I shower, I get dd1s clothes out so she can get dressed then take dd2 so dh can shower. I get her nappy changed and dressed then make breakfast for when he's finished in the shower. He plays with dd while I wash up, we both take dd1 to dancing then we usually walk the dog followed by going out or home for lunch. We then usually go swimming after dd2s nap and then home for tea, which I cook and wash up. Yes, he could do it but him seeing the childrenis more iimportant in my opinion as they see me when he's working.

purrtrillpadpadpad Wed 11-Dec-13 10:33:56

I just don't get it.

Leavenheath Wed 11-Dec-13 11:01:33

Everything isn't fine between the kids and him. They prefer it when he isn't around. You also communicate with your husband through your older daughter, rather than directly. He's also the second relationship you've had with a man who wants you to put him before your relationship with your children. All of this is on your other thread.

Then to complete the picture, there are other threads about you stalking his ex-wife's facebook and you being worried about her claiming a relationship has been re-kindled with him, plus another about him only just getting round to legalising contact with his other children.

I'd say your friend is worried that you've landed yourself with another wanker who although possibly not the Grade A tosser your ex-husband was, is an A- tosser instead.

That happens.

Your other threads indicate this has crossed your mind too.

Listen to your inner voice, love. Stop all this pollyanna stepford nonsense and recognise it for the denial it is.

Talk to your friend who sounds like she's got a bit of nouse and your best interests at heart. Talk to a counsellor if you want an objective sounding board other than this one.

Most of all be authentic.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 11-Dec-13 12:21:40

Agree with leavenheath (again)

Your situation sounds miserable and you sound all over the place but as long as you act like a stepford wife you think it will be ok.

No it isn't sustainable.

NearTheWindmill Wed 11-Dec-13 12:21:57

Obviously a lot more going on here than indicated initially. But, Ledkr why such a snippy comment? Where did I say my children couldn't look after themselves. Care is about feelings as well as doings imo.

My DS has come from a stable, loving home where his parent love and respect each other. Where the DC have been supported and set firm boundaries, where right and wrong is defined, where hard work and an orderly home is part of our lives. I think he will be extremely well equipped to establish good relationships later.

Ledkr Wed 11-Dec-13 22:50:41

near I tried hard not to sound snippy, I'm sorry if you thought I was being.

Ilovekittyelise Wed 11-Dec-13 23:55:33

i just read the other threads (or at least some of them). to be quite honest the op sounds fucked up and attention seeking (im sorry, but it does; several long posts with attention grabbing headlines and inconsistent content, just a bit weird), and her husband a shameless bully.

sometimes the help required by people who start these threads isnt the type of help they are asking for, and that required is professional.

iv seen threads like this before: a lot of people will invest time and emotional energy trying to help, go round in circles as the op wont provide real answers to anything, and the thread will be shut down as emotions get out of control.

wordyBird Thu 12-Dec-13 00:55:09

Agree with Leavenheath.

From your other thread it's very clear your DH is not kind and patient with the children. He sounds like a bully: and your DD is trying to tell you so. Everything is not great, sadly.

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