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Have you left and been happier?

(60 Posts)
Fairy1303 Tue 10-Dec-13 12:24:32

Things are not good with DH and I. In fact they are awful.
I am finally seeing things for what they are.
It's a really horrible environment for me, and the children.
He is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and he does nothing really to help me.

I am 90% sure that I need to leave, but I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

I keep being told by those around me how difficult leaving will be. The financial implications, the impact on the children, the reality of being a single parent, etc.
It will be messy and hideous.

I suppose I'm looking for some positive stories from people who have left, to help me with my decision. I have a step daughter full time who I will miss terribly if I go, it will mess up her whole life and I will miss DH but I can't see an alternative - these must be factors in most seperations so was leaving worthwhile?

Not sure if I make sense, my head is not very clear at the moment.

anapitt Fri 13-Dec-13 01:33:37


Fairy1303 Sun 15-Dec-13 15:04:51

Things have reached crisis point here. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I think he is bordering on being mentally unwell - his thought processes are so skewed. He sent DSD to her room yesterday because she asked me how long a the pantomime we saw went on for - he had already told her so felt that it was a 'personal attack' she is 8 and was hysterical.
He has still not dropped the issue and is still telling her she is disloyal and disrespectful now.

His mother made a joke about him paying for the ice creams at half time and cobwebs in his wallet and he completely freaked out - I told him it was a shame that he had to get so angry at an obvious joke when it should have been a nice evening and he said I humiliated him, made him out to be nuts and was a psychopath and very manipulative.

His outbursts, anger and over sensitivity is getting out of hand. He was so angry with me he squared up to me in the street - as he was speaking with such venom it was spraying in my face and was in front of everybody.

I spoke to him this morning about it - I was so upset yesterday - his treatment of me is one thing but him subjecting the children to it is just unacceptable - I went to a friends for he evening and he was left alone.

When we spoke this morning he made it clear that he feels that I am completely in the wrong.

It sounds stupid but he is so constantly telling me that I am the one who is wrong - I am always called manipulative, crazy, a psycho and overly dramatic - I can't tell anymore whether I am in the wrong or not.

MIl is having the children tonight so we can talk properly but I don't know what to say to him - I need to get accross that I really am genuinely concerned for him and that his behaviour is totally unacceptable but I know he will turn it all around and make out like I am nuts.

I have reached my limit but feel so guilty.

maparole Sun 15-Dec-13 16:01:20

I don't think there is anything you can say: my ex had a similar disconnection with reality, would "not remember" vile things he had done so accused me of making it up, and always blamed everyone except himself for his behaviour. He would behave absolutely appallingly and then just get up the next day and pretend nothing whatsoever had happened.

It's very difficult to accept that you are dealing with someone who is essentially insane. I spent years attempting to have proper conversations, trying to work out why he was so unreasonable, tryng to make him understand that he was the one with a skewed view of things, but it will never change anything. All you will achieve is more grief for you and your dcs and more erosion of your self. Stop bothering about what makes him tick and start looking after you.

Meerka Sun 15-Dec-13 16:10:19

* Stop bothering about what makes him tick and start looking after you.*

and your children. this has got to be dreadful for them. Your poor 8 year old :/

Fairy1303 Sun 15-Dec-13 16:23:48

Thank you to both of you.

That's just it, meerka. I feel like I have reached my tipping point now and even if I hadn't - I can't be with a man who treats the children like this. I will be devastated to leave my step daughter as I have looked after her full time for nearly 4 years but I can't let her think it is acceptable to be treated like this, and I don't want DS to think it is ok to treat his partners like this either.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 15-Dec-13 17:07:13

Another yes heresmile I left five months ago now, after driving myself insane with shall I shan't I, worrying about the future I finally got on with it, a few events pushed me to the final decision and since I have found out that he sold me an entire lie from the word gosad it's hard, but I feel more like me than I ever did during our marriage. I am on my own with dcs now, I have no home and am living with relatives,I am looking for work and have more issues to worry about now but I am happier. Good luck smile

BertieBowtiesAreCool Sun 15-Dec-13 18:20:28

Meerka the 8yo isn't the OP's daughter it's her stepdaughter.

sad Nothing you can do for her OP (except possibly refer to SS??) but I hope to god that someone is looking out for her.

KingRollo Sun 15-Dec-13 18:25:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pookyandponky Mon 16-Dec-13 00:20:50

I left. It has been hard. I hit the bottom. But my girls and I are much happier now. It's a very difficult decision. But you can't regret it. Lok forward and suddenly the future appears and you wonder why you put up with the downs for so long. Suddenly you can do what you like. The kids are happy and the worries go. I know longer feel obliged to do the chores. I have more patience for the kids and enjoy life.
Look forward not back.

MistressDeeCee Mon 16-Dec-13 01:55:15

lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive..exactly the same as my ExH. Yes, I did leave and was a whole lot happier without his shouting, noise, aggression and ignorance, which impacted on my DCs too.

The best thing after Id got rid (with great difficulty) was having a peaceful home again, being able to have friends round again (I didnt whilst with him, in case he threw one of his ignorant shouting fits in their presence). Just, getting on with life with my DCs without noise and anxiety around me. Taking up my hobbies again. Going to work not feeling depressed about my home life. Life is so much better without an emotional abuser in it. Got loads of verbal abuse and threats when we finished, which then changed to long drivelling emails about me being the love of his life, he's a changed man, blah blah blah..I didnt fall for the crap though. He was just angry that Id ended the relationship and would have taken his anger out on me for doing so, if Id foolishly gone back to him. He still emails from time to time..more fool him for wasting his time, I wouldnt look at him again much less reply.

Ive been with my lovely current OH for 4 years now, despite feeling Id never meet, or want to meet, another man again. My DCs love him to bits, he treats them as if theyre his own. He was shocked when I eventually told him what Id been through with ExH. He's the complete opposite to that bullying idiot I wasted too much time with. I wouldnt have met him if Id continued to let ExH blight my life.

Dont waste your good years on a man who isnt worth it. Even being alone is better than that..the prospect of staying with such a man and in time to come looking back down the years with regret at the unhappy life you led with him, is an awful option for any woman. You never get time back. But I think you know this, OP. You sound like a very sensible woman. Good luck with all..going through the breakup will be horrible but as you can see from the thread, we're all so much better for it smile

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