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massive row and I think that we're over and I'm alright... I think (sorry long)

(15 Posts)
alilstressed Mon 09-Dec-13 13:11:28

Things have been building up at home for a while with DP. We have 1 DC and another on the way.
Since I've gone back to work following maternity leave I've really felt that it is still my responsibility to do everything. Cook, clean, childcare and get myself to work. I don't want to paint DP as a complete bad guy because he isn’t. He cooks (not as frequently as he used to) and is very capable of caring for DC (again not as frequently as he used to). I am aware that his work situation is not the healthiest at the moment and has been doing a fair amount of overtime so is tired. What I find difficult though is that most nights when he comes in from work he just wants to chill out, maybe take a nap, eat, smoke, have a drink, play a little with DC and then go to bed. Well I wouldn’t mind some of that lifestyle either but I am a mother and with that comes responsibilities. I finish work, collect DC from nursery, cook, clean/iron and do bedtime routine. So that’s the first issue.

Second issue is that I have a huge problem with how he speaks to me. And this is something that I have only noticed in the last 7 months or so. He talks down to me and treats me as if I’m stupid. I basically don’t feel appreciated or respected and my own self-respect dictates that I can’t live long term with a man who treats me in this way. In front of my child? No way.

So yesterday, we have a big blow up argument whilst shopping. He’s f-ing and blinding, I’m not. Its not my style. It basically went along the lines of me asking a question (tad of sarcasm) about shopping and him responding in a way which made me say I’m sick of how you talk to me and don’t intend to spend the next 20 years being spoken to as if I’m stupid. He then says ‘if you want me to leave then tell me the date’ and I say well go then. And those were the last proper words we spoke. We went back home and after shopping was unpacked he left for a few hours. We haven’t spoken since. I’ve no idea what will happen next but we don’t have screamy arguments which leads me to believe that it may really be over and right now I’m not upset. Its been good writing this down, no idea what I’m expecting to read back from fellow m-netters though…

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 13:20:58

It all sounds very sad but also as though it was something that has been simmering for quite a while. Don't know how old you both are but most of us start off reasonably carefree & selfish and, when a DC comes along, we have to park all that, grow up a bit and take responsibility. People like your DP don't think that applies to them. Worse, he sees your taking responsibility as a direct comment about his laziness.... a lot of really crappy behaviour starts with the arrival of the first child.

In your shoes I'd call his bluff over the 'name the date' business. This is one of those moments when, whatever happens next, you'll be very glad you made a stand for your self-respect.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry Mon 09-Dec-13 13:22:10

How pg are you? It's pretty normal to get the Steaming Rage with your partner while you're pregnant. It's also normal for expectant fathers to get stressy about their additional financial responsibilities (increased costs, plus loss of earnings during ML).

How was it before you got pregnant? Does he step up when there's a new baby around? Do you have a long history of speaking to each other sarcastically or derogatorily, or is it recent?

You're obviously both unhappy, but it may be only temporary. Can you unpack what's a permanent problem from what will go away?

onetiredmummy Mon 09-Dec-13 13:24:45

Go & say to him in a low calm voice 'do you really want to go?'. If he does then work out some practicalities, we can help you with that.

If he doesn't then start by telling him you don't like the way he talks to you & then get onto the lack of sharing domestic tasks. If you start with the domestic situation he will get all defensive & blame his work & you won't be moving forwards.

Have a think about whether you want to go it alone or try to make it work brew

hellsbellsmelons Mon 09-Dec-13 13:33:38

He left for a few hours?
Does that mean he came back then?
I say give him a date to leave and that date is tomorrow.
See how he deals with that and what he does will give you some of the answers you need.
If he does leave quickly don't be surprised when OW turns up pretty soon afterwards.

alilstressed Mon 09-Dec-13 13:34:31

Thanks all. I've just hit my 2nd trimester and DC1 is nearly a year.
We've been together for 5 years but only living together for past 8 months.
I just keep thinking that we are perhaps too different for it to work and having children together and living together has only brought that out to the surface.

I don't particularly want to go it alone, but if needs be I will do. I have 3 lives to think about now and that has to be my priority. Creating a safe and loving environment. I don't think that we currently have that. Safe yes but not loving.

This was a spontaneous pg and he wasn't very happy about it. My reaction was that if he wants to be responsible for contraception in the future then go forth. A childish response I know, but it felt right at the time… He has older DCs from a previous relationship.

alilstressed Mon 09-Dec-13 13:38:42

hellsbells yes he left for a few hours and came back after I'd gone to bed. He left early this morning. No words spoken by either of us.

I forgot to say that when I said about how I'm sick of being spoken to.... he said he is sick of the same f-ing argument.

Seeing it all written down is really helping.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 13:44:16

If you'll pardon the observation, haven't you gone about this 'arse about face'? You had a baby first, then tried living together? Was the first baby an accident as well? Was moving in together done under sufferance?

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry Mon 09-Dec-13 13:58:16

Oof. So you haven't got a pre-DC cohabitation model to compare with?

It sounds like he isn't cut out for family life then. What a shitter.

alilstressed Mon 09-Dec-13 14:09:03

cogito our first baby together was a surprise. Living together was always the plan for this year, even before the baby. I have entered into every decision in the best spirit with open eyes.
It may well be that children has strained our relationship too far. However, I have no regrets about how I have dealt with the situations I’m faced with.
And if now really is the end, then I can wholeheartedly say that I have tried to do the best for my family.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 14:15:38

If you went five years together without feeling the need to cohabit then who motivated for it in the end? You or him? I'd guess it was you because he sounds like a man that was quite content with a semi-detached bachelor life and really resents the decision to give it up. No need for regrets. Everyone makes mistakes.

alilstressed Mon 09-Dec-13 14:22:36

No, we had about 2013 being the year for us to move in from 2011. Every relationship has different timescales for when to progress to different levels. I had a friend who moved her partner in after 4 weeks. Too soon for me. This is one area of my relationship that I will easily defend.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 14:46:04

Your slow timescale for moving in is fine but, if you're that cautious about not rushing things, how did you end up with two contraception failures? I don't want to be unkind but isn't a baby a far bigger commitment than sharing a bathroom?

BranchingOut Mon 09-Dec-13 14:52:45

I think that the main thing is to put the blow up to one side and have an honest discussion about how you feel that family life should run.

Look at each 'job' in turn eg, collecting DC, cooking supper. Whose job should that be? Be clear that you are not happy to do it all, so what is he going to do?

Oh and be clear with him that even if you split up it will still mean him taking responsibility for his children during contact times.

Watch his responses and consider carefully what you want.

alilstressed Mon 09-Dec-13 15:08:28

cogito you're right, a baby is a far bigger commitment than sharing a bathroom. That's why if its time for us to no longer share a bathroom then we need to find a way to move forward.
How the child/children got here is not the issue. We are where we are. DC 1 is here and loved.

Thanks branchingout for that useful suggestion. I think that now 'its out there' a moment of calm is the only way.

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