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Am I dating a sociopath?

(143 Posts)
deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 07:33:52


Ok- I broke up with my exh in February this year, after quite a difficult relationship, but one that was full of love & a very deep connection.
In September! I met an older man, whom I got on with very well. He was quite literally a whirlwind in my life. He booked weekends away, brought gifts for me & my son. In the first 3 weeks together, he booked a trip to Rome in April. I was a bit confused by this, as how could we say, it was going to work out. He went overboard for my birthday and said he didn't buy me enough- he is planning similar for Xmas- as he keeps telling me every day, things he has ordered, have arrived. We now have 3 weekends away booked in the calendar. I offer to pay half of these, but in fact, I can't keep up.

I've started to feel trapped. It's all gone very quick. It was me who broke up with my exh and although I now realise I do want to be with someone- I was looking forward to healing time on my own, to just focus on me. There is some kind of spark missing. But I feel he is trying to control me with kindness. He has presented as Mr Perfect,he had a bad childhood, ( que, I feel sorry for him)he doesn't know why his ex wife broke up his marriage, at first he said they argued twice a year, I asked him again yesterday and he said, it was every month. He lives 3 hours away and always comes to me, his phone is always kept face down. I'm not suspicious at all, he rings me all the time,too much- he never lets me breath in fact. He gets upset if I don't answer , or I go to bed early, without speaking with him. He woke up the other day, said he wasn't speaking to me, because I didn't sleep cuddled into him all night!

Writing all this down, is sounding like he is a crazy man?
He is a Police sergeant, so I think he is used to getting what he wants and I have been warned me many people, they can be controlling men. I want to break it off, but he has planned to take me and my son and his, to Thomas land, next week and stay in a hotel, the whole thing has cost him £200. I plan on paying him half, in the N Y.
I am probably feeling uncomfortable, because I think I can see through I all, but then I wonder, am I just very bitter. I'm not used to this kind of spoiling, but it doesn't feel like it comes from the right place.
He also now and then, say hurtful things to me. I look tired, or old. ( I'm 33, he is 46- I bloody don't! When he pisses me off, I pull away and then he overloads me with compliments. ....??.?WTF!

What is going on!!!!!! I feel like I'm going mad.

qazxc Sun 08-Dec-13 08:17:20

break it off, the sooner the better. There will always be a reason why the timing is wrong/awkward, he will make sure of it. Leaving aside whther he is a sociopath or not, nobody should feel trapped and suffocated in a relationship, esp one as new as this one.

bragmatic Sun 08-Dec-13 08:19:33

I hadn't even read halfway through your posts and my skin was crawling. I'd be very interested to know the real truth of his first marriage, and yes, personally I'd end it with someone that smothering.

If you decide not to end it, then whatever you do, do not tie your finances up with this man. Do not. Keep every shred of independence you currently have.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 08-Dec-13 08:24:27

I feel claustrophobic just reading your post OP. Booking a trip for 6 months time a few weeks after meeting would have me running so fast you'd see the sparks. Sociopath or not, his behaviour is very alarming and controlling.
Next time maybe wait until you really know someone before bringing them into your child's life. I don't mean that to sound preachy, it's just being safe. He won't take it well by the sounds of things. I'd be number too otherwise he's likely to harass you.

winkywinkola Sun 08-Dec-13 08:25:51

This chap is trying to enmesh you in a relationship very quickly. It's not real because it's all going so fast, OTT gifts. I'd get out of it. You will miss the fuss and attention but it's not the actions of someone is balanced and secure.

I had this once. He was a millionaire living in Hong Kong. Declared undying love, constant phone calls, presents, trips.

It was oppressive and really not normal.

He accelerated everything and I was swept up along with it. I was only 25 as was he but he had the money, the constant pursuit etc.

It lasted 3 months. I binned him. I couldn't stand it. Emotional vampire. And I did miss all the luxury and attention for a bit but it was utterly bonkers behaviour.

Yours is already not a relationship of equals. He is endeavouring to create that imbalance consciously or not.

I'd get out and not go away with him and not introduce my ds to him.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 08:32:22

Those links, are invaluable. Him to a T. I was reading one yesterday and a very strange and dark sensation came over me- I suddenly saw him for what he was.
Yeah, I'm going to email him now. TBH I've tried to break it off twice already....the fucker is like a floaty turd, that won't flush away!

No, I'm feeling strong about it and lesson learnt with my son. I feel very ashamed and stupid,,,,it kinda boiled down to him having kids and him being in the Police.....

I'm gonna write the email now.
Thanks so much for the support.

IrisWildthyme Sun 08-Dec-13 08:33:41

Get out now. Do not go on any of these holidays. He's like a parasite trying to embed his tentacles in you and making lovely soothing friendly sounds to hypnotise you while he does it. Get away, right now, and if necessary get a legal order to prevent him harassing you - he is likely to turn nasty when his will is thwarted so you may need this.

The longer you stick with him the more difficult it will be to get away, your instincts are bang on correct but if you stay you'll start to doubt yourself - you really really need to end it.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 08:37:41

Blue, did he ever actually ask you if you wanted to go away?

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 08:54:49

I've done it.

Awaits the insanity backlash!!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 08:57:36

Good on you.

Now set up a rule on your emails to delete any from him, block his number and keep your mobile fully charged for when he turns up later crying and threatening to top himself.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 08-Dec-13 09:03:29

Good luck OP. I would keep any emails/texts in case things turn nasty. Hopefully not but if he goes all stalker on you, you'll have the evidence.

PyjamaDayToday Sun 08-Dec-13 09:08:57

Have you got some support in RL that can be around, or at least 'on call', over the next few day/weeks?

Stay strong; you know there'll be backlash, but then he'll move on to another poor sod

happytalk13 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:11:54

You are not bitter or any other negative word. there is something very wrong with this m an - look at his controlling and unreasonable behaviour! he's not speaking to you because you didn't cuddle him all night?!?!?!? Really?!??!? Get rid now before he completely takes over your life. I'd be willing ot bet that if you stay his behaviour will go from this to full on shouty ragey abuse and if you let yourself become dependant on him in any way he will just take advantage more.

Run, run like this wind!

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 09:20:40

Well done! Expect the backlash.

Use it to further justify your decision.

Or he'll go silent, not even acknowledge it, so you end up bewildered and sucked back in.

Whatever happens, until you can gain the distance you need, come and post what happens next, your thoughts, fears etc, and we'll be your perspective for you smile

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 08-Dec-13 09:28:48

Womens spidey sense! Works every time doesn't it. I'm so glad I'm a woman! ; )

JaceyBee Sun 08-Dec-13 09:36:18

Lots of sociopaths in the police. Lots of abusive controlling fuckwits too. You def did the right thing , well done. Who cares if he's lost money, should have thought of that before he tried to steam roll you into a relationship shouldn't he?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Dec-13 09:40:28

He will now likely launch a full scale assault on your emotional wellbeing and promise all sorts. DO not cave. Such men do not let go of their victims easily.

I would also suggest you now enrol yourself onto that Womens Aid programme I wrote of earlier along with reading Lundy Bancroft's book.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside Sun 08-Dec-13 09:47:29

You've done the right thing

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 09:52:00

Ah, you're all really great.
Nothing so far- I'm left wondering if he has got the email. What worries me, is if he calls and pretends nothing has happened..but I think I'll go out for the day. He lives 3 hours away, so no hope of him rocking up. (I hope)
Just phoned my mum.....she is really relived and said she was getting worried and had told her fiends, she was worried he was trying to control me. So bizarre when you look back and see all the signs. I never felt completely comfortable with it, if anything, if found it fascinating!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 09:59:39

Planning his stealth attack I'd wager.

Definitely go and have a nice day out.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:14:46

Haha...your right.
He just replied with a very simple ' I'm sorry, I never meant to upset you and anything I said, was just in jest. I think you're a wonderful person and I just love you. There is nothing more I can say."

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:15:16

I'm sure there will be more to follow!

RandomMess Sun 08-Dec-13 10:19:32

Can you block his email address and phone number?

Shnickyshnackers Sun 08-Dec-13 10:21:22

Oh gosh be prepared for him to try and not 'let' you break things off. Stay on MN and ask for advice if you feel you want it. All the best to you OP

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Dec-13 10:22:22

There will DEFINATELY be more. Please brave yourself and expect it. If he's a controlling man he won't like you having the power to end it.

Congrats on dodging a twat...

Good luck x

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Dec-13 10:22:51

* brace yourself..typo

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