Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Have I made a huge mistake or right decision?

(26 Posts)
Really1 Sat 07-Dec-13 19:27:16

Wil try & keep this as short as poss.
The love of my life walked out on me & our children just over a year ago after 10 years together with no real explanation other than he didn't love me anymore & wasn't sure marriage was for him.
It was a bloody hard year but I think I'm over the other side & our divorce is through.

I met a lovely guy april of this year & things have been great, we went on dates & things developed quickly.
He was like a best friend we got on soooo well and had loads in common but I just didn't feel a spark & know I don't love him so I ended things very very suddenly a few weeks ago.

I'm missing him terribly but not sure if it's for the right reasons. Do people really have more than one love of their life? I feel like il never love another the way I loved exh (although I'm not in love with him anymore as I lost all respect for him when he left me & the girls) but am I stupid to give up a bloke who would of done anything for me, treated me amazingly & I know has extremely strong feelings for me just because I don't feel a "spark"? He has asked me to reconsider.

My reasoning is when you know you know.. And you shouldn't settle for less than perfect but am I being rediculous or can you really love again?

Topseyt Sat 07-Dec-13 19:40:51

Only you can know whether or not the relationship was really right for you, or if this is a "once bitten, twice shy" sort of scenario.

If you are looking for perfection though, you won't find it. None of us is perfect. There will always be niggles in any relationship.

mermaid101 Sat 07-Dec-13 19:50:02

This is just my opinion, but I think you can love people as deeply as your first love, but differently. I have been in love the way you describe and he died. I thought I would never love anyone the same way again. I haven't. But I am very happily married and love my DH in a slightly different way, but with just as much strength- maybe even more.

It's hard to say because I think that each and every love is different. It has varied layers and nuances.

It's hard to know your heart sometimes I have found.

I wish you courage. Sometimes life can have a strange way of working out .

oldgrandmama Sat 07-Dec-13 20:08:04

Yes, you can love people in different ways. And - sorry, going to be a bit realistic now - that exciting sexual 'spark' between people usually fades a bit in the cold light of togetherness, after a year or so. If you're lucky, you settle down into a loving relationship, respectful and caring of each other. I think OP should definitely take some time to reconsider.

superram Sat 07-Dec-13 20:08:24

I think it is too early to know. My now husband told me in the early days that he didn't live me as much as his previous gf. I didn't expect him too and said fine see how it goes. We are now very happy.

However if he hadn't loved me at all I wouldn't have wanted to be strung along.

Only you know how you really feel.

Really1 Sat 07-Dec-13 20:23:01

Thanks for your quick replies. I should also add we want diff things (ATM) eg he has made it clear he wants a child of his own I do not want anymore. I was with my ex very young so not sure how the "grown up love" thing works/starts off.
I just feel that after 7 odd months I would of known if I was starting to fall in love with him or not?

piratecat Sat 07-Dec-13 20:27:50

do you mean the sexual spark or that 'we click in almost every way' spark.

i think if it's the latter, and you don't feel this, then it's not right.

There can be many types of love for someone, i don't think i will relive the love i had for my ex dh, and it's on the past now. Yet i could love someone again, but, it would have to be a strong bond, and lots of fun.xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Dec-13 20:48:39

Of course you can have more than one love of your life. However, the definition of what that means is going to change depending on the stage of life you're at. 'First love' is often very intense but based on nothing more than raw emotion.... so if you were with your ex from a young age, that might be applicable. Later love should still have a frisson, a connection, and you should still feel excited about being together but, if you've got any sense, it'll have a stronger foundation. You'll complement each other.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 21:06:27

If your ex walked out just over a year ago and you met this guy in April you weren't single for very long, so I wonder if you haven't given yourself time to grieve and get over him? It must have been a terrible shock. Perhaps you're still in love with your ex?

I don't think there's any love you can't get over and I think everyone has different options, so I'm sure you'll love again, you may just not be quite ready.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 07-Dec-13 21:17:28

How refreshing for listening to how you feel and acting on it.

Can you imagine a scenario where you never saw him again? How would you feel? Indifferent, happy, relieved? Him wanting a baby and you definitely not is not something you can compromise on. A friend has been with a man for a few years who is younger than her and wants a baby, she doesn't want any more, but he is still with her so he has made a choice there. Your ex has to make the same choice, you have told him you don't want another baby but does he believe it and think he can change your mind?

When I met DH I was only one month out of a two year relationship but I knew within two months I loved him though at first I wasn't sure if I had done the right thing or not as I didn't initially fancy him but I liked him as he was, and is, a really decent person. I decided to see how it went and we have been together nearly 18 years now.

I had a stupid romantic notion of "love of your life" and thought it was the one who got away. I have two LOYL. One I was with for 3 years on and off with a later fling and decades later we still had something. The other is DH and he is the real, grown-up, solid love of my life. He has stood by me through so much, is totally reliable, I know he will never let me down and it is a bonus that I still fancy him and we have such a laugh together. The other one just broke my heart and causes pain. I know which I would rather have.

Sex isn't everything but if you have no physical relationship and no solid base either you are not going to get very far.

Do what feels right for you. Don't be pushed into anything you aren't ready for. If he gets pushy then walk away. If he is genuine he will listen to you and hear what you are saying and respect it.

I never thought I would love anyone after the first LOMY and to be honest it was only after hearing he was married that I actually fell in love with someone else for real. Before that I had been kidding myself with all of them because I wanted to be over him.

I will shut up now. I am so going to regret this post blush.

JingleMyBells Sat 07-Dec-13 21:23:17

I had a relationship like you described about 7 months after my divorce for a similar length of time. Ex and I had been together for 7 years although the last 2 were on and off. I thought ex was the love of my life although in actual fact he was a tosser. Anyway, the point is, the guy after my divorce was lovely but I didn't feel the "spark". When I finished with him I looked back and wondered if I had done the right thing especially as I was single for ages afterwards. However, 1.5 years ago I met DP and I truly believe he is the love of my life. Five years after my divorce I was in the right place and that's important. Perhaps you just weren't in the right place mentally with this new man.

Really1 Sun 08-Dec-13 06:51:44

Thank you, I suppose I just want reassurance that I have done the right thing for now but I know I'm the only person who can say either way really. I was plodding along for a while hoping I would eventually start to feel that I was falling in love with him (he told me he loved me a number of times but I could never say it back) and now I can see that it probably was a bit too soon after my ex dh walked out to even try & have feelings for anyone else.

It makes it sooo much harder that he was such a nice guy & is absolutely devastated and I just wish I did feel the same way as he felt about me but I think I'd be kidding myself if I did.

I just hope Kama doesn't come back to bite me on the ass and I'm left single forever or end up meeting so many tossers that I regret doing this!!

Homebird8 Sun 08-Dec-13 07:04:01

On the other hand, how would Kama treat you if you went through life wondering if you'd settled. Sparks aren't everything but you need to fair to yourself and your partner. You couldn't tell him you loved him. That tells you just as much.

piratecat Sun 08-Dec-13 11:02:24

you were being true to him at the end of the day.

new year new start soon. x

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Dec-13 11:11:08

1) You don't owe him a relationship just because he's a nice guy.

2) It would be unfair to string him along if you don't see it working out long term. He is now free to find someone who will love him back and want the same things out of life as he does.

3) There are worse states than being single. Being with someone who doesn't float your boat is one of them.

HoneyandRum Sun 08-Dec-13 12:24:33

I think the most important thing is what you have done and that is - be true to yourself. For whatever reason it doesn't feel right at the moment. You sound like you are still grieving your marriage which is very normal and natural. I agree that just because he is a nice guy that shouldn't guilt you into being with him. Perhaps you are also in the process of learning what it means to be treated with consideration and respect, which is all good but I think you were right not to ignore how uncomfortable you were.

Can you take the relationship back to another level and just meet as friends for coffee or drinks occasionly? Take your time understanding who you are and what you want.

You can definitely love another person as much as your Ex but it will be different as you are older and have changed. I would try not to compare how a relationship unfolds with your relationship with your ex. This curent man may be part of the process of learning about yourself.

On the other hand don't discard a good man for superficial reasons, but take your time. It sounds like the relationship was moving pretty fast when you only got divorced recently.

Really1 Thu 19-Dec-13 13:24:00

Thanks for your replies sorry I've taken so long to get back here.
We have been talking over the last couple of weeks over text & he came over the other night to chat and we just had such a lovely eve sad
One min I think gahhh what have I done I do miss him etc the next I think no it's the right thing as I was having doubts etc & it didn't feel 100% right. We do have the same sense of humour & we do bounce off each other personality wise but I'm just not sure the spark is there for me.
I also feel like maybe it is too soon after my ex and maybe I need to take a year or so "out" to gather my thoughts, feelings and emotions?
I just don't know I'm so confused.
I don't want to cut him out of my life cause I'd love to stay friends with him & who knows what may happen but at the same time I just feel like I'm giving him false hope or leading him on my doing so? Obviously I can't expect him to wait around for me either? Confused sad
You don't even need to reply I just need to get my thoughts out!!

Spickle Fri 20-Dec-13 08:02:28

I split up with my DP for the same reasons as you. I hadn't long come out of a previous relationship and I wasn't ready for the next one. I felt it would be unfair to expect DP to hang around waiting for me to decide, so we went our separate ways. I went out on a few other dates, DP met someone too. However, a year later we got back together and have been really happy ever since.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 20-Dec-13 08:10:26

A year out is a great idea. When you're in a long-term relationship, even a good one, I think you can lose your identity. You become so used to 'we' that you find 'me' disorientating. That's when it's tempting to latch onto the next man on the scene because he gets you back to 'we', which is where you feel comfortable - 'rebound'. Take some time out, make a good life for yourself as an independent woman and then - if you still want to - see if having someone else in it would enhance what you already have.

Santaspelvicfloor Fri 20-Dec-13 08:20:25

I've been in your shoes. It's hard to remove that armour you've built around yourself. It's also hard to imagine finding many people who you feel so easy and happy with.

Basically you're settling for a business like relationship of 'we don't argue therefore we must be matched' or a romantic 'no spark, so let's split'

I can't answer except to caution that this time now when you are thinking it through can be harmful to a relationship. He might find it hard to build trust in your relationship unless you can really talk things through with him.

This is such early days for you following your marital split. It's also a new relationship. Don't invest more than you can afford to lose

Joysmum Fri 20-Dec-13 08:30:13

There are a lot of great people out there that we can spend times with and enjoy their company. Does that mean we would want to commit the rest of our lives to them forsaking all others? It requires that extra little bit of magic that goes beyond logic to turn those relationships into something that's fulfils us for life.

There are many people who have perfectly acceptable marriages or relationships but don't have that extra something and are truly satisfied and make do as it's good enough. I can't imagine being tethered for life to someone who didn't rock my world and I needed to think about how I felt rather than it being an all encompassing feeling with no thought required.

Meerka Fri 20-Dec-13 09:03:45

In your shoes with the utterly traumatic loss of yoru ex, another year sounds a very good idea. After all, it can take 18 months - 2 years or more to get over a bereavement, and that's if therés not complications. This isnt so very different.

What about laying the cards absolutely flat on the table?

tell this man that you like him very much indeed, but that you're not sure about the spark, but you also feel that you miss him a lot. That you think that maybe you still need time before you are ready for a relationship with anyone becuase you need to sort your head and heart out. Ask for a year. Be plain that you cannot give an answer that you will say yes or no to a relationship. You would also have to say that you will give him an answer after that and that you absolutely understand if he finds someone else in the meantime. (you can't reaonsably expect him to hang around exclusively for you). Either way, you do really like him as a friend and you really want to stay friends, even if you don't end up together. And that you'd support him if he finds someone else, in the cirumstances.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 20-Dec-13 09:32:11

@Meerka.... I don't think it's very fair to keep someone on a string for a year, waiting for the OP to decide yes or no.

Really1 Fri 20-Dec-13 09:45:29

Meerka this is exactly what I did yesterday. We spoke, I told him that I do need time out because I need to get my head over around the last year or so & although it doesn't mean I won't miss him & I don't care for him I can't leave him hanging on for an answer I can't give right now.
I said that if we are meant to be together then we will be but right now I'm not in the frame if mind to give 100% into a relationship & he deserves more than that.
I told him to contact me wheh ever he felt he needed to but that we shouldn't be talking/texting daily/every other day as it's confusing for both.
I told him I'm not looking for anyone else and that I just need to be "me" for a bit. I think he understood?
Gahhh this is hard I never thought I'd have to worry about things like this!
Life has a funny way of mixing things up a bit ay! X

Really1 Fri 20-Dec-13 09:48:59

Ps I didn't tell him I'd give him an answer within a year... I just said let's see what the new year brings.. Maybe we will end up crossings paths again & il be in a better place & maybe we won't but i just wanted him to know that I wasn't on the look out for other men or anything!
If he meets someone & it works out then we wasn't meant to be in the first place. X

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now